“I am. Dee, there’s something else you need to know.” Soren’s solemn gaze made Disa nervous. She feared what he might say. “I’ve never strayed from you. I’m certain Ivar and many others believes I have, but that must come from assuming you and I don’t satisfy one another here in our chamber since we haven’t gotten along anywhere else. I think some of our people even assumed I would approach Lorna when she was a guest, but I didn’t. I saw one of my guardsmen approach her door a couple of nights when she first arrived, but I had no intention of going near it. I’m sure you’ve wondered, and I’ve given you reason to assume I have, but I haven’t. And not merely because our coupling has always been satisfying. I didn’t understand it until now, but I do. I never wanted another woman because no woman could live up to you. I think I’ve been bitter that you are such a good wife because I couldn’t rationalize being unfaithful to a woman who does everything everyone expects and then more. I wanted to find fault with you, a real fault, not my perceived fault. But being so disloyal to you after all you do for me as your husband and jarl, as well as for this tribe, seemed dishonorable to even consider.”
“It was the same for me, Sor. I have wanted to hate you in truth, not just dislike you, but except for how we don’t get along, I can’t find real fault with you. You are a good leader and a good father. I may not have agreed with your decision about this marriage, but I understand you didn’t make it lightly. You considered it because our tribe needs peace to prosper. Even before we met Inga, you regretted that Ivar would have to make such a sacrifice by marrying someone other than Lena. I know that wasn’t easy for you, even if you haven’t admitted that you worried about them.”
“So, what do we do?”
“I don’t know. But we will figure it out. For our people and for our son.”
Soren and Disa looked at one another, and something shifted between them. There was the arousal that they always experienced, each of them attracted to the other even when they disliked each other. But this was different. It was not physical, or at least not entirely. The tension that seemed to have seeped into their very souls released.
“I don’t want to fight anymore, Dee. We have spent what will have been the first half of our marriage baiting and lashing out at one another. We have a second half to make of what we want. I want to know that I will grow old with someone who wants to be at my side, not someone who is merely too old to get away.”
Soren grinned, and Disa recognized the boyish playfulness that she witnessed when she first arrived more than two decades ago, but back then, it had not been directed at her. It had been toward another woman. It had broken her heart, and it was in that moment that she steeled herself against letting Soren ever break it again. Now it was directed at her, and she was unsure if she wanted to bask in its warmth or sob for the years of lost opportunity.
Soren watched the conflict and confusion shimmer in Disa’s eyes, and he imagined he knew what caused it. He rarely smiled, and when he did, it was almost never a genuine smile directed at her. There had been disingenuous ones and mocking ones, but not a true one like he wore now. He inched closer to her and wrapped his arm around her waist.
“Perhaps we are in agreement to reconcile, but I don’t expect you to overlook or forget the past. I just hope we can get to know one another as we want to be now, not as we have been or what we were. I have made you grow into a woman you never intended to. I remember when you used to smile and joke with my mother. You stopped laughing once both my parents were gone, and after the boys died, I don’t think you’ve smiled since then. Not the way you used to when it reached your eyes and made them shine.”
“You saw my eyes shine?”
“Yes. Of course.” Soren tilted his head back. “You are so beautiful, Disa. I’ve never told you that when we aren’t in the midst of joining. But you are. Your beauty has made me lust for you since I met you. I didn’t want to. I blamed you for my own feelings. But your eyes shone when you arrived, but each year, they have dimmed until they seemed to burn out when the boys died. I did nothing to try to bring that light back. I made you suffer in silence in your grief instead of letting us console each other in our shared loss. I don’t think you even considered for a moment turning to me. And that isn’t what a marriage should be. You should be able to rely on me like I have relied on you. You have given, and I have taken.”
“Sor, kiss me.” Disa pulled her lips into a thin line, nervous to ask. “I want to see if it might be different now.”
Soren cupped her cheek and inched closer, allowing Disa to start the kiss. It was as though they were kissing for the first time. They were both timid and unsure. Their lips brushed together several times before they both grew brave enough to press their mouths together. The kiss was languid as they explored one another. They had never struggled to be intimate, their mutual physical attraction and acceptance that they had no other choices for a lover made their coupling easy. Lust and need had sparked passion but not tenderness. Over the years, they came together for physical release and pleasure. Emotions other than lust had little to do with their coupling.
Now their kiss was filled with a sense of newness, as if they were younger versions of themselves. Soren kissed along Disa’s cheek and jaw before moving to her neck, and she tilted her head, offering access to her neck. They drifted as they undressed one another before stretching out before the fire. Soren took time to observe Disa for the first time in years. Her belly had rounded over the years from carrying four sons. Her hips and backside were wider and softer, but he found he appreciated it, even if he never gave it much thought. He pressed her onto her back and swept her hair from beneath her shoulders. His fingers traced the fine lines that ran over her belly, the evidence of the family they created together. Soren shifted to kiss the scars before kissing each of her breasts.
“I’ve never thanked you for the sons you bore me. I believe there is little, or more likely nothing, you can’t do.” Soren suckled each breast as Disa arched toward his warm mouth.
“We made those sons together. You gave them to me as I gave them to you.”
Soren ran his hand between Disa’s thighs, and she let them fall open as they kissed. She burrowed her fingers into his hair as his fingers slipped into her. Her body reacted as it always did, humming with need and unspent passion. Disa grazed her nails over his chest and belly until she wrapped her hand around Soren’s length. She remembered the first time she had touched him, intrigued and tentative. She had shut her eyes, so she did not have to look at a man she desired but did not like. Lying before the fire, she looked at a body she had admired countless times during more than twenty years of marriage. Her husband was a handsome man still in his prime.
“Sor, I desire you just as much now as I did all those years ago. Perhaps more. I will admit to always feeling superior to the other wives, knowing you were such a handsome man when we were young, and now when many of the men our age are growing slow and fat, you remain the most handsome man in our tribe. I’ve enjoyed their envy.”
Disa had the grace to look guilty, but Soren chuckled.
“We are two of a kind. I have often thought much the same. You are still the most beautiful woman in this clan, and I am the only man who has known your body, who has made you cry out in ecstasy. Cry out in just the same way as I will make you do tonight. Over and over.”
“Promise?”
“Promise, Dee.”
Soren spent the rest of the night keeping that promise. Their coupling was more than a means to release. They made love for the first time as they took their time exploring, pleasuring, and sharing.
Fifteen
Ivar’s head was on a swivel as he and Jan raced through the trees on horseback. He searched for any sign that Lena and their friends had traveled along that road. He had been certain he and Jan would have caught up to them by now. That they had not, made him fear the worst. Were they still galloping at full speed, too? If they were, what had them so fearful?
“At this rate, we’ll get all the way to Kaupang before we catch them.” Jan scowled and pushed his dripping hair from his eyes. The rain had let up, but it had drenched them by the short and intense downpour that accompanied them for the first half of their ride.
Ivar had barely noticed the cold and damp, but the rain had made visibility difficult, and sometimes they had to slow to a walk or trot before returning to a gallop. Ivar cursed the weather for slowing them. He only wished it had slowed Lena enough for him to catch up.
“Don’t tempt fate,” Ivar grumbled.
“The clouds are covering the moon so we might ride past them and never realize it.” Jan looked around before releasing an ear-piercing whistle that made both horses whinny.
“Jan,” Ivar warned, but before he said more, an answering whistle came. He knew the sound as though it came from his own soul. “Lena!”
