Remi was all I could think about.It was like the first time I’d seen him the semester before we actually met in that lecture hall.He was strolling across the courtyard outside of the cafeteria with a backpack over one shoulder and baggy jeans and vans on his feet.My mouth had actually fallen open.I positioned myself at that same window for the next two weeks just to catch another glimpse of him.It was in vain; I didn’t see him again until the class we shared.
But I thought about him constantly, I concocted a personality for him that was quiet and broody—nothing actually like him.Yet somehow, therealhim was better than my imagination.He was funnier, smarter, and he made an effort with my friends.
Now, the man he was over a decade later was better than my memory.I couldn’t bring myself to think about anybody else; even Theo James interviews and movies couldn’t distract me from Remi.
Lowering my arms, I looked over my shoulder to find him looking down at the sleeping Furgie, so I clearly was imagining him looking at me.
Maybe he didn’t think time had been as kind to me as it was to him.Society definitely conditioned men and women to perceive aging differently; men got the privilege of getting hotter while women were supposed to do everything in our power to never age a day.It was bullshit, and I’d think less of him if he felt that way about me.That somehow I would be less desirable because time had passed, but him thinking that would also really hurt.I wanted him to want me as desperately as I wanted him.
God, this was torture.
This ill-advised crush.
“Does that mean we get cupcakes now?”he asked in a low rumble that shot electricity through my body.
“Is that all you’ve been thinking about this whole time?”
He grinned down at Furgie making it impossible for me to judge the tone of his expression.“I will not justify that question with a response.”
“I guess you’ve been good enough to get a treat.”
This time he smiled at me, and my toes curled under the coffee table in response.“I thought I was a guest.I didn’t realize we were on the merit system.”
“We’re on whatever system I decide.”I shrugged.
He narrowed his eyes at me.“Tell me more about these treats, are they from Country Grounds?”
“Yes, I’m kinda obsessed at this point.It’s gonna be hard to leave that place when I’m done here.”
“I mean, Chicago is no slouch on baked goods.”
“That’s true.”
A muscle flexed in his neck as he swallowed.“You won’t miss anything else about this place?”
It was as if he’d thrown out a fishing line baited with exactly the flavor I was looking for, and I must avoid it under every single circumstance.I pushed myself up to stand needing distance from the sharp cut of his jaw.“It’s a cute town, but every place I go to for work is good.There’s always something there to love.”
He snorted gently moving Furgie onto the cushion next to him.Standing, he shifted his clothing that had clung in places that I craved more than anything my kitchen could store.“Yeah, but some places more than others.”
Maybe it was because I’d turned my back, walking away from him into the other room, that made me brave enough to ask, “Would you ever move again?Or are you here for-like-ever?”
“Uh ...”
I didn’t dare turn to face him with how hotly my cheeks burned.
“If I met someone,” he began, “and this wasn’t the place for her, if she liked living in a city or something, I’d move.”
Pulling the cupcake containers from the cupboard, I avoided his eye.“But it’d be a sacrifice, right?Like you really feel at home here.”
“It would be a sacrifice I’d make willingly.”
“So, you want to fall in love and get married and all of that?”
His response was so careful, words picked out deliberately.“I still want everything I wanted with you.”
My eyes stung, but I refused to allow the feelings choking me to surface.He might have been able to clock that my smile was fake as I shoved the vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting into his too broad chest—like really, what was the purpose in being so goddamn large?What was the purpose in saying all the right thingsnow?
Anger consumed whatever else wanted to bubble to the surface.“Well, all I have is baked goods.I hope that’s enough.”
