But my phone continued to not receive a response from Alicia, and I was still searching for her headlights breaking through the night.The knowledge that I was completely full of shit had grown past the point of ignoring.My need to be near her was bad for my health, and persistent.My feelings were more than residual.And she was more than a representation of my past wrong doings that I wanted to make right.
I was still in love with Alicia.
Chapter Eighteen
Alicia
Throughmywindshieldplayedthe sweetest little tableau.A sleeping baby hugged to Remi’s chest.A gorgeous brunette walking next to him.They were talking as if this was the most normal thing in the world.She put an older little girl in her seat, before rounding the trunk of her car to check the straps of the car seat Remi had deposited the youngest in.Even from this distance with only the parking lot lights overhead, I could tell her eyes were the clearest blue, that her cheekbones were high, and under her wide lips was a delicate, pointed chin.
In short, she was absolutely lovely.
But when they hugged goodbye it didn’t linger.Not that it mattered.
It didn’t matter.
It just made it feel like snakes were slithering in my stomach.
I erased the text I’d been typing just a moment before thanking him for fixing the door he broke.I’d gone back and forth on replying but ultimately decided I would for two reasons.One, it’d been fun to talk to him throughout the day.And two, I really wanted to bury that text I’d sent about him calling his penis a genie.
So embarrassing.
It was even worse that he didn’t even acknowledge that I said it.
“What response could he have made to make that comment okay?”I spoke aloud to my empty car.
Remi waved goodbye to the gorgeous mom.
Admitting, even to myself, that I felt the slightest twinge of envy over who Remi spent time with was humiliating.
I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Sadie that I was getting tied up in a weird almost friendship with him.Her advice and perspective would be helpful, but then I’d have to admit that I was less than indifferent toward him.And she’d be able to tell that I was lying when I said these feelings had nothing to do with attraction not only to his appearance but ...him.
Remaining in my car, as he jogged back to the building.I sent a simple,Thanks.
He slowed to a halt, pulling his phone out of his back pocket.The steam of his breath shone in the parking lot light; it illuminated him in stark contrasts.His thumbs hovered above the screen of his phone before tapping haltingly.Furrows dug deep into his forehead.One giant puff of silver blotted against the black sky and then disappeared.His shoulders fell, his face pointed up.
My heart twisted.
This one-sided unguarded display.
This confirmation that our situation wasn’t easy on him either.
He slid his phone back into his pocket.With less spring in his step than before, he took long strides toward the building.
The ache in my chest moved upward squeezing like a fist around my throat.
“What are we doing?”I whispered.
Nothing, I pointed out.Absolutely nothing, we are existing.We are withstanding a shitty situation.And we’re doing a pretty good goddamn job of it.
Anyway, I was here with Emmett—in a professional capacity only, but still.He had offered to introduce me to people who would be able to spread the news about my cause.I’d established a rule years ago that while I was traveling for work: I did not pursue anyone romantically.Part of my job, possibly the most important aspect, was being likable.Entering into a small dating scene ...It wasn’t good for business.I needed all the help I could get.Gaining traction within Grand Ridge had been slower than I’d expected.If everything didn’t sound promising for Jamison, lawyer fuckboy, at the capitol then I would be nervous about my progress.
Plus, Emmett seemed really nice.I had every reason to enjoy his company—and zero reasons to be jealous of the company my ex-husband kept.
Still, I found myself both dreading and anticipating getting to snag glances of Remi in the wild, among the people he filled his time with.Dread won out when I considered that he might do more than hug someone tonight.
“Get your head outta your ass,” I demanded, truly fed-up with my bullshit.
I took a bracing breath and stepped out of my car.
