Indy was gone.
My condo was so fucking quiet.
And this pain in my chest was never going to leave.
Sabrina called to tell me that Indy was settling into her old apartment. She, Hope, and Indy came by to pack up her stuff while I was busy screaming at the network for the shitshow James had caused. I didn’t answer Sabrina’s call, but I read the voicemail summary later.
Austin called to tell me that he’d settled her into Sabrina’s old apartment and given her a “company car.” I didn’t pick up for him either.
I avoided the front desk when I was at work. Walked the long way around the building to get to the breakroom when Nathan wanted to talk. Held my breath when I walked through the halls at work, just aching to hear her voice.
But I never did.
Like the sick son of a bitch that I was, I started sleeping in the spare room. Her scent still clung to the sheets, and I vowed to never wash them. It was the only place in the whole world that gave me a sliver of peace. I could feel her presence there. Could almost hear her laugh.
I was haunted by her heartbreak that still pulsed in the room.
So I painted.
I painted at work, doing the same cans twice because I was such a space cadet, I’d forgotten how to spell the company’s name.
I painted at home because I needed to see Indy’s face. Trace her lips. See that special little sparkle in her eyes.
But nothing I could paint could even compare with the real thing. It was all just a sad facsimile.
Maybe I needed a bigger canvas…I could paint a huge mural on that wall in the living room. Then I’d never truly be alone. Indy would always be with me.
Was this what a breakdown felt like? I’d never been so low. So utterly broken.
I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to masturbate. Everything felt muffled.
Distanced.
“Holy fuck,” Ryan whispered. “Are you seeing this?”
I lifted my head and looked around and found Ryan and Nathan standing in the doorway of my spare bedroom, staring at me like I was an alien. I looked around the room, but nothing looked out of place. “What?”
Nathan sighed. “I didn’t know it was this bad.”
“He’s such a sad sack,” Ryan agreed.
“Fuck off.” I turned back to my canvas.
“Nope. We’re not doing this.” Ryan bounded into the room and ripped my paintbrush out of my hands. “You’ve been locked up in here for days, not talking to anyone, not answering your phone, not answering your door. And this is what you’ve been doing? Painting Indy’s face over and over again like some whacked out stalker?”
I turned and grabbed a new brush from my side table. “You married your girl. You wouldn’t understand.”
“You seriously think our road to ‘I do’ was fucking easy?” Ryan ripped the second brush out of my hand. “Her dad tried to fucking kill me remember?”
Nathan waved a hand. “The MC tried to kill my girl.”
I closed my eyes as a wave of grief crashed over me at the reminder. I’d had a hand in both scenarios. Because of our dad and the shit he’d gotten me to do for him. But I’d played a part.
It was at the top of my list of regrets, right under ‘kicked Indy out of my life.’
“All right. Come on. We’re going out. You need to see some actual sunshine.” Ryan pulled my pallet out of my hands and tossed it onto the side table then pushed my shoulders until I was walking toward Nathan in the doorway.
“It’s nighttime,” I protested.
