“I’m not looking for you to say anything back to me. In fact, I don’t want you to. Not yet. I think it’s important that you decide to love yourself and break away from the chains of your destructive inner dialogue, because you owe that to yourself.”
Logan’s lips pressed together in a firm line, as if he wanted to argue against my words. But he kept himself quiet, instead lifting his hand to gently tuck a stand of my hair behind my ear.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I pressed my hands against his chest, needing to feel him, to ground myself within him. “I’m right here, and I always will be. I promise you that. But you need to figure out how to love yourself. How to go easy on yourself. Okay?”
Logan’s eyes were focused somewhere on my coat as he searched for words. When they lifted back up to mine, they were full of warmth and adoration. “Okay, sweetheart.” He nodded. “But I might need you to help me along the way.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I again pressed myself up for a kiss. “There is nothing more I’d rather do than help you see yourself the way I do.”
ChapterTwenty-Four
THREE YEARS AGO (AGE 22)
On the firstThursday of June, three weeks after graduating from college, we took a three-hour flight from Denver to Cabo San Lucas. In the days leading up to the trip, Adam and Logan were positively beside themselves with excitement. If you didn’t know any better, you would have assumed that this graduation trip was forthemby the way they extensively researched excursions, mapped out the best local restaurants, and completely overhauled the shared packing list that I’d created with things like “multi-person unicorn raft” and “hella sunscreen.”
I had to admit, though, that once I got settled into my seat on the airplane, my own excitement kicked in. I’d never been to Mexico before, and after what felt like a lifetime of schoolwork and studying, I was ready to fully let loose and enjoy these next few days with my best friend.
In total, we had seven people in our group. Mackenzie, who’d originally intended for this to be a small girls trip, had invited Nora and Gwen from her education program at CU Denver. Once Mackenzie’s brother, Trevor, found out that Adam and Logan had forced themselves into the trip, he declared that he was coming too, despite Mackenzie’s best attempts to stop him.
Trevor was a year younger than Adam and Logan but had known them well enough growing up, and was able to get the trip’s details from them with a simple phone call—making it impossible for Mackenzie to thwart his plans. Once she finally gave in to the reality that the guys were coming with us on this vacation, Mackenzie decided to also invite her boyfriend, Eric. Unfortunately, he had to pull out of the trip at the last minute because he got hit with some sort of summer flu.
The house that we’d rented was right on the beach with a back patio overlooking the gorgeous Pacific Ocean. On one end of the patio was a built-in fire pit with chairs seated around it to enjoy in the cooler evenings, and on the other side was an array of lounge chairs to lay out on during the warm, sunny days.
The house had three bedrooms inside of the main structure, and there was also a detached casita on the property that was built out as a fully-loaded studio unit. Adam and Logan had called dibs on the casita as soon as we confirmed the booking on the house. Mackenzie and I were sharing the primary suite inside the main house, Nora and Gwen would share the second biggest bedroom, and Trevor would have the third bedroom all to himself.
I’d met Nora a few times over the years at various college parties with Mackenzie. They’d met in their first week of classes, both of them in the education program at CU Denver. Nora was a bit of a wild child and could certainly hold her own when it came to partying. Her almost six-foot stature was a force to be reckoned with when she started drinking. She was a lot of fun to be around and I’d always enjoyed hanging out with her.
This trip was my first time meeting Gwen, who was a petite blonde with an adorable pixie cut who looked like a little fairy next to Nora’s tall frame. Gwen was two years older than us and had just finished her master’s degree in education. She’d been a TA in one of Mackenzie and Nora’s classes during their third semester and they’d both instantly clicked with her.
The weather in Cabo couldn’t have possibly been any better on the day that we arrived. The sun was out, the air wasn’t too warm, and both the sky and water were crystal clear. We’d decided to keep the first night in Cabo low-key, staying at the house to build a fire in the fire pit. We figured it was more responsible to just hang out on the patio all night, to save our “vacation energy” for the next full day. Starting a three-night trip off by diving right into the local bar scene was probably not the best idea.
It didn’t stop Adam from getting absolutely hammered, though. We’d started pouring cocktails around six that evening, and by nine o’clock Adam’s face was completely flushed. Before I knew what was happening, he’d launched himself up from his lounge chair and began running down the patio steps that gave access to the beach. He was somehow totally naked as he plunged himself right into the ocean.
Not one to be outdone with any party tricks, Nora was just as impulsively flying down those same steps, discarding her clothing along the way as she attempted to remove each article mid-stride. Her long, blonde hair whipped behind her as she ran right into salty water. Those of us who remained on the patio simply watched them, stunned, as they both screamed and splashed at each other in the waves.
“Fifty bucks says those two hook up this weekend,” Trevor said as we all watched Adam push Nora underneath the water.
“If he doesn’tdrown herfirst,” Mackenzie responded with disdain. She still wasn’t super happy about any of the guys being here, and I didn’t blame her. It wasn’t exactly ideal to have your older brother with you on a weekend party trip.
Trevor, Mackenzie, Gwen and I were seated around our small fire with margaritas in red solo cups. Logan had been lying on a lounge chair next to Adam before Adam had so abruptly decided to go skinny dipping. I glanced over in that direction now and caught Logan looking at me. There was a desperate look in his eye—something wild and ferocious—but he blinked and it was gone. I sent a small smile his way, and he smiled back before briefly turning his attention to Adam and Nora in the water, and then he laid his head on the lounger and looked up into the night’s starry sky.
I looked back into the fire, recognizing a similarly burning flame within my own belly.
The next morning, Adam and Logan were up bright and early, yelling at everyone from the hallway that it was time to go snorkeling. When everyone ignored them, they began opening all bedroom doors and throwing inflatable drink holders at us.
“What the fuck are they doing?” Mackenzie grumbled from her side of the bed. “How is your brother even vertical right now?”
I threw my pillow over my head in protest.
After extensive persuading, everyone was out of their beds and congregating in the kitchen in their swimsuits looking half asleep as we all rifled through the assortment of snacks for something to eat. “Do you think it’s too early for beef jerky?” Nora asked. She looked a lot like one would look the morning after drinking tequila and swimming naked in the ocean.
“I don’t think it’s ever too early for beef jerky when you’re on vacation,” Gwen answered. She didn’t look tired at all. In fact, she looked positively radiant as she bounced through the kitchen in a bright yellow sundress. Her hair was adorned with little hair jewels that glinted in the sun. How in the world had she had the time to do something like that?
“Perfect,” Nora replied as she began ripping open the package of a bag of jalapeño flavored jerky.
I grabbed a banana and a bottle of water and walked toward the back patio, wanting to take a moment to myself to enjoy the incredible morning horizon. Slipping out the back door, I made my way down the steps to the beach.
I stood there for about fifteen minutes, ankle-deep in the warm ocean as I ate my banana, soaking in the beauty of this beach. Of this sky. Of this whole place. A collection of small, white fishing boats floated lazily in the distance. Other vacationers were walking along the shore line, looking for shells in the sand. It was serene, and I felt thankful to be on a trip like this at all, celebrating such a pivotal moment in my life.
