ONE
PARTY EXCITEMENT
Sophie
*Ping!*
I pick up my phone from the bar to see a new message from Sexy Cop with Nice Teeth. When I open the message, I see the ugliest dick pic I have ever seen. My head falls back as laughter erupts from my mouth. The dick is thick but short and slightly discolored, like there’s something wrong with the skin, nestled in dense pubic hair, which only makes it appear smaller.
My brother Lawson’s brows curve in as he squints at me. “What’s so funny?” he asks as the barman pours his whiskey, so I turn my phone around and shove it in his face. The disgusted grunt that comes from his mouth makes me laugh again. He pushes my phone away. “Get that deformed dick away from me.”
This is the phone I use when I want some dick. It’s where all the men’s numbers go. I enlarge the photo and bring it closer to my face to inspect it. “The skin is all weird, like he needs to drink more water or something.”
I peek up at Lawson. His glass is at his mouth and he’s taking a sip, his critical eyes still on me. A spark of awareness hits me, and I grin. “It looks like a yam!”
My brother chokes. He hisses and sets his glass back down on the counter as he wipes dribbles of whiskey off his chin.
I press on the image and forward it in a message to my best friend, Piper. I tap my fingers on the counter, waiting for her reply. I know Piper’s read it when her name pops up on my screen, calling me.
I can’t even say hi because she opens with, “What the actual fuck is that?”
I giggle. “If I had to see it, so did you! Don’t you think it looks like a yam?”
She squeals. “It does. You’re so right. I’ll never be able to look at a yam the same.”
“It’s up there with the ugliest dicks I’ve ever seen,” I say as I’ve seen plenty.
Piper and I both have active sex lives. We love sex, and we aren’t ashamed of it. Some people have rosters of people they sleep with—we have waitlists.
“Do you remember a year ago, I told you about the guy who licked pussy like a champ, but his dick resembled a mushroom?” asks Piper.
I suck in a breath through my teeth, my hand coming to my mouth. “Yes! How could I forget?” Piper called me up at 2 a.m., drunk, telling me how she got pounded by a mushroom, so I ended up calling her Mario for a month. “What happened to that guy, anyway?”
She sighs. “Good times. I don’t talk to him, so I wouldn’t know. Who does the yam belong to?”
“Remember I told you about a hot cop who pulled over the limousine up in Crown Village and gave the driver a warning for speeding, and the cop and I exchanged numbers?”
“Faintly.”
“Yes, it’s him… such a shame. I don’t understand what they expect me to say when they send me a dick pic. Like, oh yeah… I can’t wait to suck on that.”
She laughs. “It’s because they’re incapable of having a conversation with the opposite sex. They think they’re going to make your panties damp by sending a dick pic, and that man didn’t even make an effort. The lighting is poor, and there’s a pile of dirty clothes in the background. What a turnoff!”
“I agree… dick pics are just wrong!”
“Sophie!” my brother whines. “Stop talking about it.”
“Which brother is that?” Piper asks.
I raise my brow. She’s met all three of my brothers a handful of times, and she seems to have a little crush on one of them.
“It’s Lawson, not Alec.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she says coyly, with a hint of amusement in her tone.
“Well… I better get going. I’ve got lunch with Dad, then I’ve got to get ready for tonight.”
“I bet you’re excited for lunch.”
