She gives me the smallest nod. Helen has lost a lot of weight. She looks so fragile now. John needs to stop working so much and come home and be here for his family. I think, like my brother, avoidance and keeping busy is their way of dealing with their pain... or not dealing with it.
When Helen leaves, Zara screams, “Why isn’t Misty home yet?”
A sob comes from outside. Helen must have heard her. I step toward Zara, put my arms around her stiff body, and pull her to my chest. I lean down and whisper in her ear, “It’s okay. Let it out.”
Instead, her body goes limp. I gently pick her up, as if she were glass that could shatter, and place her on the bed.
She peers up at me with tormented eyes. “Please hold me,” she croaks.
As I lie down next to her, she rolls over onto her side. I pull her into me. Tears roll down her cheeks. A catatonic stare has replaced the flash of anger.
Misty’s disappearance has created a tsunami effect that’s severely affected my family. My mom has moved away. I thought she, more than anyone, would’ve been here for Helen, but she went to live at one of our holiday houses in the mountains. She said she’s giving everyone room and time to grieve. I think she’s a coward, so Kane and I have little to do with her anymore except the occasional phone call. We live with our dad full time now.
Once Zara’s breathing levels out, I slowly move my arm off her and shuffle to the edge of the bed and stand. I look back at her once more before I drag my feet to her bedroom door and, as quietly as I can, pull it closed behind me.
Dread creeps up from the pit of my stomach as I walk down the stairs. I’ve separately spoken with each of Zara’s parents about Zara’s depression. My thoughts go back to my discussion with John.
His eyes were dark underneath, his hair was messy compared to its normal slicked-back look, and his tie hung haphazardly off to one side.
“I’m losing my family, and I don’t know what else to do.” His body slumped further into the seat at the dining table.
“I want to comfort Helen, I do, but I don’t know how when I’m struggling so much myself.”
A deep ache took root in my chest. “I know,” I replied. “I’m struggling to be there for both Zara and Kane.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Audrey suggested Zara is too reliant on you, and I would have to agree with her. It worries me. The treatment facility she showed us sounds promising. It offers a range of health practitioners to help her, and it has world-class therapeutic interventions. I think it could really help Zara cope and give Helen some peace in knowing she is dealing with what she’s experiencing.”
Zara would be better off moving away and getting the psychological help she needs. I stupidly thought if I loved her and was there for her, she would snap out of her comatose state and live again. But after I saw her cut herself, I knew I wouldn’t be enough.
My breathing quickens as I make my way down the stairs to search for Helen. As I walk through the house, I hear the TV, so I go to the living room.
Helen is sitting in her usual easy chair, with Misty’s blanket over her. Her sad eyes peer over the edge of the blanket, and she attempts to give me a smile.
I sit on the sofa. Tension takes over every muscle in my body.
“She cut herself with a razor blade last night.” My voice is tortured and raw.
Helen gasps. “My baby is in pain. She needs professional help.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I can’t lose her,” I try to explain, knowing it sounds selfish.
“You will never lose her. She needs to find herself. I don’t want her to go either, but the mental health treatment center Audrey proposed sounds like the perfect place for her. I wonder every day if today’s going to be the day where her grief is too much and she...” Her voice is riddled with pain.
I know how she feels because I’ve had those thoughts as well. Every time I have to leave her house, I’m a total wreck, worrying if Zara will be okay by herself. Her grief is so heavy it cripples her. I’ve tried my best to be the person she needs.
But I feel like a fraud. If I were helping her, shouldn’t I witness a change in her? I see a spark now and again, like a firefly—a speck of light in the darkness—but then it’s gone as quickly as it comes.
“The psychiatrist thinks she’s codependent on you and it’s hindering her recovery. You have been there for her. I know you love her, Knox, and I can never thank you for being there for her. However, I think we both know she won’t willingly leave you. You are going to have to end your relationship with Zara.” She pauses. “Do it for her.”
Everything I’ve ever tried to do is for her. I cover my face briefly. The pain of knowing she would be better off without me is like a red-hot poker in my heart, and my chest is on fire, burning me from the inside out.
I look up at her, defeated. “When?”
“The sooner, the better. Audrey has already spoken to the manager at the center. They have a spot available for her.”
I can’t reply. She wants me to end our relationship today. I’m not ready... but then again, I never will be.
“Your mom mentioned your interest in joining the military. If that’s what you want to do, you should pursue it. Don’t put your life on hold. Zara will get better, and I believe Misty will return.”
