I know damn well Cam could tell something was off, but I’m so fucking grateful he didn’t interrogate me about it.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin if he had pressured me. Lainey’s and my story started so long ago; I can’t exactly jump right into the middle of it. Part of me doesn’t want to, the same part that wants to keep her hidden away from this version of myself I’ve become.
I might not have recognized who she is now, but the same could be said for me. I’m not nearly the same guy she once knew.
It’s been years since we last spoke, truly opening spoke, since Cole drove her away from everyone in her life. It’s like the longer he’s around, the more she seems to disappear. Because of him, I practically lost one of my best friends.
We had grown up together. Secret handshakes, secret meetings, secret feelings—it was all there between us. But neither of us ever made a move, probably too scared to ruin the friendship we had. But in the absence of that confession grew the depth of our connection. We poured ourselves into one another, so much so that there were plenty of times I wondered if she or Luca was my closer friend. They were different kinds of friends to me, but in the end, Lainey knew me better.
Lainey’s a time capsule of the varying versions of me I’ve been over the years, holding my secrets, my phases, my highs, and my lows. She was there through it all. Through the first time I won a state championship my junior year of high school with Luca. During the time I lost my sister, the most important person in my life and her best friend. Through the stages of life I stumbled through, she was by my side, and vice versa, and then suddenly, she wasn’t.
It was as if her leaving was the catalyst for hell raining down on me, or perhaps she was the angel who kept me safe, and once she was gone, my world crumbled.
We’d always been there for one another, but then I was alone to fight my battles, and for a long time, I was losing every fight. I’ve struggled with my mental health, especially after the car accident. Therapists I’ve had throughout my life all pinpoint my trauma to a certain event—the day my sister died.
They say that I took on her responsibilities and goals after she passed, feeling guilt when I was living for me and not for her. But how could I not have guilt when I’m the reason shedied? Having that weight on my shoulders every day was lighter to carry when Lainey helped. But I was too reliant on her, too attached … another thing my therapists have pointed out.
I relied on her to help keep me afloat, and when she vanished from my life, I was more lost than ever. I didn’t know who I was without her, and unfortunately, I had to find out the hard way.
I’ve missed her though, more than I was ever ready to realize, but, hell, the pain cutting through my chest right now is proof enough of that.
My hand massages the agonizing throb, and I feel like I’m being transported back in time to our teenage years. The boy in me who once fawned over her wants to rush back through those doors and never let her go again. But we aren’t kids anymore.
I’m twenty-eight years old. She’s twenty-six. We can’t just fall back into the way things used to be, no matter how badly I might want to.
Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to little Olivia, Alec and Laura Kostelecky’s second baby. God, I can’t believe she’s already two years old. Time really does fly. I remember when Alec first found out about Jack, their son, after having been apart from Laura for six years.
Applause breaks out through the big group of family and friends gathered in their backyard as she blows out her candles, clapping her tiny hands together afterward with pride.
I swear my heart fucking palpitates from the cuteness aggression, seeing her all proud of herself for blowing out her candles.
I love kids. I have my entire life, but until this very moment, I’ve never felt this emptiness deep in my chest, reminding me that I’m nowhere near having a kid of my own.
An unexpected image flashes in my mind—blonde hair, blue eyes so deep that I could swim in them, and a smile that brings me to my knees.
Lainey.
Sucking in a breath, I let my mind wander down the path of what-ifs, not stopping myself from imagining possibilities.
What if Lainey and I had gotten together when we were younger? What if she had been mine all along? Would we be married? Would she be pregnant now? Would we already have little hellions running around?
The idea of getting Lainey pregnant has me clenching my fists at my sides.Fuck. I need to stop imagining that right now. I’m at a goddamn kid’s birthday party, not in my bed.
Trying my best to put my daydream to rest, I turn to Matty. “It’s nice out today.”
Talk about the weather, Jensen. Could you get any more boring?
Matty chuckles. “I suppose it is.” He nods his head toward Alec and Laura, who look happier than ever, cutting cake and handing tiny plates out to the crazy kids. “You picture yourself having that one day?”
Thanks for the help, changing the subject, Matty.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, uhh, maybe someday. You?”
For a moment, I see him lost in his thoughts, and I wonder what’s pulling him away from the present—or maybe who.
Matt is a guy everyone wants to be around. He’s joyful and upbeat, a bit of a weirdo—but most goalies are. He looks at the world with optimism and hope—a refresher from the pessimistic view I often have.
If he wants kids, he’d make the best dad—I have no doubt about that.
