“No, oh God no. I just mean I feel guilty for bringing all of this to them.”
“Don’t. The Fischer’s love you. That’s apparent to anyone who’s ever caught a glimpse of you guys together. But, speaking of your adoption. Why didn’t you go back to Theo and Elle? Your Ma was still alive back then too.”
“Mac, who are Theo’s head security guards right now?”
“Leo and Matt— oh fuck. You have to tell him, Elle grew up there! How did you not tell them?” I don’t mean to yell, but it comes out like that nonetheless. I can tell by the way she coils in my arms that she won’t tell them. That’s okay, she told me, and I may not enjoy the warehouse like Kieran, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy torturing these fuckers until their last breath.
“Wow, thanks for the judgment. That’s exactly what I need.” She tried to pull away from me, but fuck that. She isn’t going anywhere.
“Be mad at me from right here. I’m not letting you go,so you can be mad. But you’ll be mad exactly where you are.”
She huffs out an annoyed breath, “Elle was safe, because if they let anything happen to her, it’d be obvious my abduction came from inside the organization. Theo knows where I am. He’s known since Papa went to him after we realized who I was. He understood his lifestyle wasn’t safe to bring me back to, so he and my Papa made a deal. I’d be adopted by the Fischer’s and they’d keep me safe, protected, and loved. In exchange he’d do everything on his end to keep that world away from me.”
“He knew all this time. Since we were thirteen? And he said nothing?” I’m so pissed, but also in disbelief. If he would have fucking told us, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have held a gun to my head more times than I can count, wanting to end it all. I wouldn’t have scars that I had to cover with tattoos. I wouldn’t have started drowning my fucking problems at fourteen fucking years old. We could have reconnected; we could have had all of that time together!
“That was part of the deal, Mac. Look at your family’s organization over the past ten years. It doesn’t exactly scream safety either. Your parents, the Petrov Bratva, Rowan’s wife and son were kidnapped a few years ago, and Kieran almost died last year. It’s not exactly the model of Fort Knox. We did what we had to do to keep me away from that shit. But I kept tabs on you. I noticed we were both getting into programming and coding. Of course we were. We always had to do the same things. So I made it to where our paths would cross. It wasn’t much, but it was what I could offer us. Then Nix needed my help, and then she married your brother. I didn’t have the energy to fight it anymore. I didn’t care about anything else, I just needed to see you. And now we’re here.”
“I have so many more questions. So much I want to know, so many fucking conversations we need to have, Beautiful. But we’ll have our whole lives to talk about that. Right now I need you to tell me who I need to talk to about donating my kidney.” Pulling my head back, I tilt her head up by her chin so we’re staring into each other’s souls, completely bared for one another. Well, as bare as I’m willing to get right now.
“Well, that leads us to your truths, doesn’t it, Mac? People who are alcoholics typically can’t donate their kidneys.” She raises a singular eyebrow at me.
“I’m not an alcoholic, Riley.” I say between clenched teeth.
“Don’t call me that, MacQuillian. Riley died in captivity the moment she started responding to a fucking number instead of her name. My name is Lelonie, and you know that.”
She’s right, so I break eye contact and look down. “You’re right, I’m sorry. But I’m not an alcoholic. I just drink to keep my demons at bay. I’m not the only one who does that. I go to work, I have relationships with my family and friends, I drive without getting DUIs, and I care about you more than anything else on this goddamned Earth. Alcoholics can’t do that stuff.”
Her hands cup my face and bring my eyes back to hers. Her voice comes out quiet but firm, “Baby, yes they do. Alcoholics do all those things every single day. Maybe not every person, but a lot of them do.
She doesn’t get it. “No, you aren’t understanding. I don’t drink to get fucked up, I just drink to keep my head clear. I don’t have a problem. I love you, Lelonie. Don’t you see that?”
Her eyes water, and that guts me. “Mac, I love you. I love you so much, and it’s because I love you that I’m going to tell you this. You don’t love me, you can’t love me before you loveyourself. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t throw it out there like a pawn to distract me. And you can’t care more about me than you do the liquor until you put it down. But you can’t do thatfor me;you have to do it for you. Because you are worth it, and because you need to love yourself enough to take care of the body you have, before you end up like me.”
I’m trying my hardest not to get mad at her. What kind of asshole gets pissed at his sick girlfriend for being worried he’s going to end up like her? I guess I am. I’d already decided that I’d go see what Davis and his little meetings were about tonight. I don’t need them, but maybe it’d make her feel better. “I’m going to an AA meeting tonight. That’s why Jakob is coming back soon, so I can get there on time.”
“Really?” She asks skeptically.
“Yeah, I met this guy outside of one a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been curious.” I tell her the truth. Davis has had my interest piqued if for no other reason than I want to know who or what he waits for every time.
“That’s great. I’m here to listen, you know? If you want to talk about it?” A little light shines through her gaze. A little bit of my beautiful girl.
She just told me everything. The least I can do is talk to her about it in return. “I started drinking two weeks before our fourteenth birthday. Kieran said something to me, I don’t even remember what it was anymore, and it pissed me off, so I went to hide in the pool house. My Da kept liquor in there for guests, and this day marked that you’d been gone longer than we had ever had you. The first sip was awful. It tasted like what fingernail polish remover smells like. You know, our living room used to stink of that stuff every time Ma decided to paint her nails. But each sip went down easier than the last,and once I drank enough, my heart didn’t hurt as bad, and I dreamt that you were right there with me. I kept doing it because I was tired of my heart being so fucking heavy all of the time, and every single time I passed out, there you were. Waiting for me to come back to you.”
“You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m right here. You don’t have to pass out to have me with you. You just have to be here with me.”
The realization hits me in the chest like an arrow to the heart.I don’t know how to stop. Fear coats my veins in the next second. How the fuck did I let it get to this point? It was never supposed to be like this. I’ve been drinking to run from the fact that I lost her. Now she’s sitting in my lap, and she needs me. The real her, not the dream I find when I pass out. She needs me, not the half version I’ve been for so long. She needs someone dependable. A good man to love her through this shit life threw at her. I don’t know how to be that man. I’ve been this shell for almost nine years. All my teenage and adult years have been coasting in a haze of smog. I don’t know who I even am. But I do know I want to be a good man, I want to be dependable and someone she can trust. So I’ll go to this meeting, and I’ll try it. Because becoming the man I was meant to be is more important than being the man I’ve been.
* * *
Walking down the street, the wind whips my hair into my eyes. Pulling a beanie from my coat pocket, I pull it on before adjusting my hair so it sits out of my eyes. It’s probably about time to cut it, but that’s a problem for a different day. Jakobgot to the apartment right at six, and after getting Lee settled on the couch and telling her I’d see her soon, she fell asleep.
I let Jakob know what I was doing and that I may be gone for a few days. He told me to go, and he’d take care of things at the apartment. He promised to keep me updated but agreed I shouldn’t talk to Lee much until I was done detoxing. My last drink was four hours ago, and my hands are already shaking. I was going to go try to meet up with Davis, but I’m feeling like shit, so I called Rowan.
Roe’s black Escalade pulls up beside me and he rolls the window down. “Get in.”
There’s no point in playing coy. I called him after all, so I do what he says. As soon as my seatbelt is buckled, the back of his hand comes to my sweaty forehead. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? And where have you been?”
“We have so much we need to talk about, but I’m pretty sure I’m starting to detox. I don’t want to do it at home with Clara and Rhett, but I don’t want to go through withdrawal alone either.”
