“She’s been like this before?” One word keeps flashing in my head like a neon sign. One diagnosis that almost knocks me to my knees. I’m certain the lack of confirmation is the only reason I’m still standing.
“Yeah, man. Not in a while, and never this bad. But the bad days look pretty similar to this.” He reaches out and claps his hand on my shoulder. “My family and I have tried everything, but she won’t settle enough to get good rest. Now it’s your turn. I’m tagging you in. Go comfort my sister. She deserves the world, scorched or not, so don’t fuck this up.”
I nod solemnly at him and don’t bring attention to the way his eyes shine with unshed tears. “The only way I give her and me up is if I’m six feet under, and even then I’m sending her signs from the afterlife until she can be with me again.”
“Good, she needs someone to fight for her when she can’t fight for herself. Her fight’s slowly draining.” He turns to leave but pauses in the hall. “Oh, and Mac?”
“Yeah?” I’m already kicking my vans off as I answer him.
“You show up here again drunk, while my sister lays in bed fighting to get better, and you won’t have to worry about setting the world on fire to get to her. Because I’ll make sure it’s you burned by the flames. You respect her enough to come here sober, or you don’t come at all from now on. You’re better than that. And even if you aren’t, she deserves better than that shit. Be who she deserves or step aside so some other man can be.” He might as well have punched me in the solar plexus, because I physically bow over by the impact his words hold.
“Got it.” Is all I can manage as he continues down the hall.
My first instinct is to yell, to tell him to fuck off and that he doesn’t know anything. But something niggling at the back of my head stops me because I know deep down he’s right. She deserves so much more than who I am and what I can give her. I’ll stop drinking. For her I’ll do anything. Even as I think it, I know it’s not going to stick, but I’ll try.
Sliding into her bed, much like a couple of weeks ago when I stayed, I move into her until my front is flush against her back. She’s burning up, but she’s shivering at the same time. As I wrap my arm around her waist, she stirs slightly.
“Quill?”
“Yeah Beautiful, it’s me. Go back to sleep. I’m here.” I whisper into her ear before kissing her temple gently. Shenods and goes back to sleep. Not me though. I lay there for the rest of the night, terrified that she’s going to tell me she has something that can take her from me before we can really even start our story.
16
Chapter Sixteen
Lee
Stirring awake, my heart comes to a standstill as I register the arm around my waist. A second later the memory of Mac in my bed comes back, and I relax back into his hold. He snuggles closer into me, and his face buries into my neck.
“You awake?” I whisper into the quiet of my room.
“Yeah, I’m up.” He places a sweet kiss on my neck before pulling his head back. “How are you feeling?”
I feel like shit. I’m swollen and uncomfortable, and I wish I could sleep for another year. But my body waking itself up means that it’s almost time for my medicine. “I’m fine. Thanks for coming over last night.”
“Don’t do that, Lelonie. Don’t brush me off like that.” His hand comes up and starts combing gently through my hair. His voice seems smaller today, and I hate it.
“What do you want from me? You want me to tell you that I’m sick? Want me to tell you that if you stay with me, this is your life? That this is all I can offer you? That I hope you don’t want fucking kids because if you do, you may as well walk now? This is all I have for you, Mac! A life of IVs, machines, medications that cost a fortune, and the very real possibility of you being a widow before you hit your thirties!” By the time I’m done, I’m yelling, and Dieter and my Mama stand in the doorway watching in horror.
“Don’t say that, don’t say shit like that, Lee. We’ll work it out. We’ll figure it out together. I’m not leaving you. I don’t give a fuck about kids, I give a fuck about you!” His voice is strained. He’s trying to hold onto what little composure he has left. But it doesn’t go unnoticed that the whole time his hand never stops moving, never stops gently stroking my hair.
“Can you conjure up a kidney out of thin air, Mac? Can you make a time machine and go back so they don’t stick me with dirty needles? Shit, while you’re there, go ahead and stop them from beating and raping me for years. If nothing else, make them stop giving me the men who thrive off torture. Can you just will all of this to get better? Let’s be real, Mac, you can’t even stay sober long enough to drive me to doctors appointments if I asked you to. Let’s not act like I’m stupid here. I notice the red eyes, the constant smell of whiskey and the way your brothers try to track your every move because they think you’re going to go too far at any moment. The fucking flask that’s ever present in your jeans or coat pocket. You want to figure my shit out, but what about your shit?”
Mac stiffens behind me before slowly pulling away from me. “You’re being mean. What you’re saying may be true, butyou’re being hurtful about it because you’re hurting. I don’t want to set you off any further, so I’m going to go hang out in the living room. I’m not leaving here, but I’m going to give you as much space as I can stand. So you get from here to the living room and not an inch more. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about all of this. We’re telling the truth today. The whole truth, Riley. I’ll be ready when you’re ready.”
With that last lethal blow, he kisses my forehead gently and moves out of the room. Dieter throws his thumb over his shoulder, “Uh, I’m just going to go out there. Call me if you need me, Kostbarkeit.”
Mama doesn’t hesitate. She moves into my bed and takes up the space Mac just vacated. Then like the good Mama she is, she holds me silently and plays with my hair until I cry myself to sleep.
A little while later, I’m woken up by a calloused hand sweeping my hair out of my face. Blinking my eyes open, I see the most beautiful green eyes staring back at me with a small, timid smile, “Hey, Lee. You have to wake up and take these, then you can go right back to sleep, okay?” He’s holding a glass of water in one hand and a handful of pills in the other. “Your mom helped me, and I promise I didn’t look anything up. We’re going to talk about all of this when you’re feeling better.” Nodding, I sit up just enough to take the pills before laying back down.
“I’m sorry I was hateful.” I tell him sincerely. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.
I wanted to talk to him about what I’d noticed, but I didn’t mean for it to all come out like that. Mac’s sneaky about his alcohol consumption, and if you didn’t know what you were looking at, you’d miss it. With the men who used to come inand out of my cell, I’m hyper vigilant to people being under the influence of any type of substance. It’s time to put it all on the line.
“No, you were right. After we talk, I’m going to have to leave for a few days, but I’m going to call and text you constantly. You won’t even notice I’m gone. I’ll send Kieran over with stuff for you. And I’ll be back before you know it, okay?” He doesn’t sound convincing at all, but I’m too tired to dig into that right now.
“Okay, can I nap just a little longer? Then I promise we’ll talk.”
