“This trip you’re going on. You think it’ll help you when it comes to deciding what to do when you come home?”
She shrugs. “IfI come home.” But then she scrunches her face up, clearly not liking the idea. “I honestly don’t know, hopefully, I guess.”
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“Because I’m not. I should be more excited, right?”
Slimming my eyes, I think. “Never done it, so I don’t really know.”
“Ihaveto do it. I mean, I’ve booked it and paid the deposit and everything, but I’m fully aware that a part of me decided to go on this trip to delay having to think about things. To give myself six months to ignore feeling like a failure for not having a plan for what I’m going to do withthe rest of my life. I’m holding onto hope that it’ll help me find where I belong, but I need to accept that it might not.”
The idea that this woman will be leaving in a month causes a pit to form in my stomach. Not only because I’m worried about hiring another nanny my kid won’t get on with, but because Icareabout Flo. I’m invested in her life. What she thinks of herself. What she’s going to be doing with the rest of it. Even though I know I shouldn’t be.
I study my drink, trying to embrace this whole ‘pity pour’ thing. “Enjoy the trip, Flo. Don’t overthink it. What happens will happen. Six months is a long time, and a lot can change in half a year.”
That’s if she doesn’t find where she belongs along the way.
“Yeah, you’re right.” A long breath slips past her lips, and she peers at me, eyebrow popping up.
Yeah. My turn.
“I… always hated that stupid cabin. It was a reminder that one day, I’d have to swallow my pride and hire someone full-time to look after Leo. Accepting help isn’t something I’ve ever liked doing. My dad died when I was still a teenager. He was in the forces, so I kind of had to step up and take the responsible role. I took pride in taking care of the people I loved, but I think the hate for help really sank in when Leo’s Mom left. She told me I’d fail. That I wouldn’t be able to handle being a single dad alongside my career, and I’d need everyone to pick up the pieces for me. The press pick at me. Every single thing I do isn’t good enough for them, so honestly, I’ve stopped trying to do the right thing. I don’t bother being nice anymore.”
Every instinct in my body is screaming at me for opening up and sharing my deep inner feelings, but I shove it aside because Flo doesn’t hold an ounce of judgment on her face.
“Well, I think you’re nice.”
“You’re the only one, trouble. Leo’s mom made me sign a contract agreeing not to tell anyone about her relation to Leo, and I did, just to make it all go away. She’s clearly embarrassed by him.” I laugh to myself, feeling the words cut deep. “I think I thought that if I didn’t renovate the cabin, then I wouldn’t need to hire a nanny, but all I did was piss off everyone around me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about retiring early, but I have this barrier stopping me. The need to prove to myself that I can handle my career and being a father without help. But… I do need help, and that’s pretty fucking hard for me to admit.”
Flo’s lips tilt in a smile, and not a smirky, sassy one, but a genuine, happy one.
My heart thunders inside my chest. “I need to thank you, Flo. Leo means absolutely everything to me, and I can see how much you care about him.”
I feel like the weight sitting heavily on my chest is diminished. I’ve never actually said these things aloud, not even to Darrell. Not even to my sister, or my Mom. But as I sit here, staring into my nanny’s glimmering eyes, I feel aquiet comfort drift in the air between us, like a thin mist. It’s calming, and my body feels lighter.
“Well, I don’t know if this coming from me means anything, but you’re definitely not a failure, Evan. Leo’s mother was very, very wrong because I’ve never seen anyone look at their father the way he looks at you. That kid adores you. You’re literally his hero. And the sacrifices you’ve made for him—it would be so easy to give up everything for him, but Leo wouldn’t want you to do that. He’d want you to finish what you started. Do what you love. Just because you have a child, doesn’t mean your wants and needs go out the window. Following your heart isn’t selfish, even if you’ve got someone else relying on you.”
Her words. She hasn't said them casually, like it’s something Flo feels sheshouldsay. I can tell she means everything she’s just spewed out, and they land deep in my hollow chest. I let her kindness wash over me, embracing it, feeling it. Because someone telling me how good a father I am has never felt so validating.
“Thank you, Flo.” I meet her eyes and stand to grab her empty glass to take it inside. But she doesn’t release it, fingers snaking around mine like it’s instinctual.
Her tongue darts out onto her lips, and I have to resist the urge to let my eyes roll into the back of my head.
“Don’t do that, trouble.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re younger than me, and my kid’s nanny. I feel like a fucking perv for looking at you the way I do.”
She cocks her head now. “I may be younger than you, but I’m not a child, Evan. I’m twenty-six, not twelve. I’m a grown woman.”
“I know you are.” I greedily devour her with my eyes like a starved man.
Rising to her feet, her eyes drop to my lips, and my knuckle finds its way to her cheek. Her skin could easily be mistaken for silk, and I take her in like the masterpiece she is. Hair still wet, slightly tangled. Long, bare eyelashes. Blushed lips. Absolute perfection.
It’s been years since I’ve touched a woman this way, and judging by how Flo’s throat releases a soft groan of approval, she’s enjoying this as much as I am.
“I like the way you look at me.”
