“I’m sorry.” Guilt swarms me. “I understand your reasoning, I really do. I just want to break the woman’s beautiful fucking face for what she did to you and Leo.”
Evan flashes me a half smile. “And that’s one of the things that makes youyou, trouble.”
“It’s you she hurt, not me. I don’t know why I’m so fucking upset.” I dab at my face.
“I do.” Evan strokes a stray tear away. “I don’t think this is really all about Zara. I think this is because that situation in there made you realise that you love Leo, Flo. And not the he makes you laugh and you’ll think of him from time to time kind of love, but the heart-pounding, protective, soul-consuming love that I feel towards him. I can see it, and I guarantee you that so can he.”
I sniffle.
“It’s okay to love my son, Flo.”
More tears fall. “I do love him, Evan. I love him so much. Like he’s my own kid, and I know I shouldn’t. I know that’s probably what you were trying to avoid with all of this, and I went and fell in love with him, anyway.”
I think it’s probably not just Leo I love, though.
“I’ll miss everything about this. Waking up to that stupidly annoying Whisker Wheelers theme song every morning, pouring Donkey’s milk and cereal into his egg cup just to make Leo happy, coming to watch youpractice, even though you think it’ll convince Leo to become a football player one day, but I know you secretly love how he claps for you because no one that mattered really ever has.”
Evan drags his bottom lip into his mouth, eyes liquified.
“The whole world has been against you and Leo for a long time, Evan, and I know you’ve come to accept it. You swallow it. You expect it. But I want you to know that you won’t get that from me. I’ll always be on team West, even after I’m gone.”
“Fuck, Flo.” Evan drops his head to my shoulder, arms snaking around my waist tighter.
“Thank you for trusting me with him. It means a lot.”
“Thank you for being, I guess, the mother that Leo never had. I’m so happy he got to experience it, even if just for a little bit. We’re both proud of you.”
Now we’re both crying, and I remember Gracie telling me that she hasn’t seen her brother cry since their dad died. It strikes something inside of me, like a thunderbolt has just pierced my heart.
He brings his lips to mine, the kiss soft and tentative, and his words hit me, like I hadn’t properly taken them in.
The mother Leo never had.
31: Evan
Dread fills my body this morning. Flo’s leaving to catch her flight to Florida to begin the trip of a lifetime, where the possibilities are endless.
She could fall in love with Georgia or Yukon and decide to move there. She could meet a guy along the way, who gives her everything she asks for, and who doesn’t have responsibility looming over his head. She wouldn’t get mixed up with the press, and things wouldn’t be complicated. They’d be easy, and she’d be happy.
“Well, I guess I’ll be on my way,” Flo says with her bags by the door, crouching down in front of Leo, who pouts his bottom lip before throwing his arms around her. He’s a smart kid, but doesn’t quite understand the severity of the situation. There’s no guarantee that Flo will come back, and if she does, there’s also no guarantee she’ll want to be in our lives. She might be in a completely different place with hers.
“I’ll see you at Nathan and Mae’s wedding, okay? I bet you look dapper in a suit,” Flo teases my son while givinghim the biggest squeeze, using the distraction to wipe the tears from her eyes so he doesn’t notice.
“Donkey will miss you. And I will.”
“I’ll miss you too, buddy. So much.” She gives a quick peck on the head.
Then she stands and faces me, and it feels like my heart is slowly being pulled apart, but for her sake, I don’t let it show. God, I feel like Elsa. “Come here, trouble,” I say while opening my arms, and kiss the top of her head while rubbing her back.
“You’ve turned me into a softie. I hardly ever cried before I met you.”
“I have that effect on women,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
We pull back, and when Leo drops down onto the ground to continue his colouring, I cup Flo’s cheeks and give her the most passionate kiss I can muster. “One more for the road.”
She melts against me, but soon pulls away when her eyes begin to water again. “Please don’t talk about me too much to him. He’s been left once,” her throat bobs, “and I don’t want him to feel the same way again. He’s young, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. Six months is a long time to miss someone, Evan."
That last part was for me. We both know it won’t be healthy for Leo, or for either of us, to text and call as if the future is certain. It’s best to let Flo go cleanly and effectively. No long, emotional texts. No late-night phonecalls. No pretending that we can just be friends for the time being. It’s the only way to protect what I have left. We’ll see each other again, but I just don’t know in what context. If Flo finds her calling somewhere far away, then that’s where she’ll go, and I won’t blame her, won’t hold it against her. We both knew this wasn’t a forever thing, no matter how much I wanted it to be.
