“Is there some kind of alchemy with these hockey players?” the maid of honor, Annie, asked. “I’m the only person here who hasn’t dipped into that pool.”
The giggles and banter continued to swirl around me, but a pang of guilt popped my joy bubble. Here I was, older, grown, and knowing better, while still telling half-truths about who Colton was to me. It was a patent lie that he was only good in the sheets. Colton was good everywhere, but not everyone in my life could see it that way, especially when he encouraged me to go for what I wanted, not what my family wanted.
But today’s lie was in line with the narrative I cooked up all those years ago: he was annoying. He got too clingy.
Those lies were the walls of the fortress around the truth I wasn’t ready to own yet. And years later, I still wasn’t ready to unpack the truth.
So I continued to cover it up and pack it away, saving it for a time when it wouldn’t completely dismantle my life to deal with the pain.
But the fallout was bigger than just whatIcould have had—it was whatwecould have had. Together. And nothing makes that more apparent than a wedding.
I was nervous to see him this weekend. I didn’t think he’d yell at me or do anything but be his normal ray of sunshine self, but that guilt made my skin feel tight. I had one more day until I’d see him, one more day until I had to come face to face with the hurt I left in my wake.
And the incredible love I left behind.
Nothing could have preparedme for seeing Colton Jones again.
His smile where his upper lip lifted a little too high, to show you how much he loved what you were doing or saying.
His nose scrunch, to tell you how funny you were.
His enamored eyes, to tell you that you’re the only one who mattered.
Colton Jones looked at the world as if it were an oyster designed just for his enjoyment. If you spent enough time with him, you’d start to believe the world was indeed made for him.
But the kicker of it all was that he wanted you to enjoy the world just as much as he did.
Colton would take you on a magic carpet ride to show you the world from his starry eyes.
Those twinkling, icy blue eyes that, despite their ice, were the warmest you’d ever see. Eyes that were once a beacon in the darkest nights of my life.
Those eyes locked with mine across the room during this cocktail reception. My throat tightened and my face warmed, a soft smile tipping up my lips. There he was. Gorgeous, jovial Colton Jones, regaling a likely hockey player with some story or another, making them feel special in that way only he can.
I missed that cheerleading in my life. So deeply. And here I was seconds away from getting to have it, even if I didn’t deserve it. I pretended to be interested in the resort’s kitschy floral wallpaper until I spotted Kitty’s cousin and the mountain of a man with her. If memory served correctly, this was the cousin who canceled her own wedding, then ended up with a cowboy. Just the distraction I needed to keep from outright gawking at my ex.
While the rehearsal dinner wound down, I couldn’t stop scanning the room for Colt’s frame. I knew he’d be there. He’d never miss out on a big moment for one of his friends. Hell, I figured once his crew started pumping out kids, he’d sit in the waiting room with a balloon and flowers to welcome the new additions.
Kids. Something we talked about in the middle of the night as a couple of kids ourselves. I was set on having two, but he talked me into the benefit of more. Colt was an only child who desperately longed for a big family, while I had intensely experienced the trials of having a high-achieving older sibling. But when I thought about a yard full of little faces with his bright smile, about him being their dad, tossing them in the air and catching them, making them squeal, covering their tummies in little nibbles, it was an easy concession to make. In theory.
Kids. Something I knew he didn’t have, and I certainly didn’t either. Kitty told me he wasn’t bringing a plus-one to this wedding, and the same was true for me. Who the hell had the time, desire, or drive to date with a schedule like mine? Getting my PhD was no joke, and left little room for things like friends or dating.
I found Colton in the room again, staring long enough that he turned to gaze at me. My heart raced and my breath seized up as his lips quirked up. This glance lingered, and I wondered if he’d break it.
He did, then looked at his feet and nodded, seemingly listening to whoever was talking to him. I took in all the details: his tousled brown hair, his perfectly tailored pale blue suit, a crisp white button-down with the first couple of buttons open, a scant dusting of chest hair visible underneath. The memory of that skin under my lips made my whole body ache. He jostled the ice in his cocktail glass. He didn’t want to talk to me. I couldn’t blame him.
Even through all my guilt, I still wanted him to talk to me. Put simply, I missed him. He was a highlight in my life. If I told him I had to study, he showed up with snacks and his own work to do. Those frosty blue eyes would peek at me over the top of a book, crinkled at the edges from his almost constantly present joy. If I went to his games, he made sure to find me in the crowd when something good happened. He wanted to share his victories with me, to revel in the fun together. I was part of his team.
And he was part of mine. He was always ready to hold me when I was exhausted, to kiss my forehead and nuzzle my nose when I wanted to quit. One time, he snuck into my presentation as moral support, his bright smile shining out from the back row of the auditorium.
Now, Colton wore that endlessly happy smile, complete with a nose scrunch.
And that smile was directed at me, even after all this time.The last time I was with him, he was trying to bargain with me through my dorm door.Vi, I’ll go visit your parents myself. They’ll come around.Only one piece of wood separated us, but there was an ocean of reasons that kept me from him.
Still, I wanted him. I wanted it to work too. Why hadn’t I opened the door? He was everything I wanted, but something in my body told me I couldn’t bear to have in my life right then.
I didn’t want to run from him. I ached to go back to him, but the thought alone sent electrical jolts down my arms and into my fingertips.
All my lies covered up a terrifying truth, one I wasn’t ready to face. One that my body and mind buried from me, carefully wrapped in a protective layer of fear.
