Sitting at Maya’s baby shower, I realized how much I had let pass me by in the name of trying to be good enough. It could have been me getting married and having a baby shower. But rather than putting my foot down and keeping Colton in my life, I had let him go. I put my personal desires and my mental well-being to the side so I could have a hope of doing well enough to fit into my family.
“Aw, Vi, it’s gorgeous,” Maya said, opening the gold bracelet I had custom made for my soon-to-be-born niece. “You’re going to be the best auntie.”
I pretended the tears in my eyes were from feeling touched and not from my anguish.
Because I didn’t want to just be an auntie. I wanted to be a mom.
But I stood and extended my arms to Maya. “And you’ll be the best mom. Love you, sis.”
She hugged me a little tighter. “Love you too.”
Nouriand I sat on the couch in my parents’ basement, my laptop balanced in front of us on the coffee table. Maya had already gone to bed, pregnancy and her sugar crash post baby shower taking her out just after dinner. Nouri’s med school bros took the fantasy sports very seriously, and I was very dedicated to beating them. This was the draft night for our hockey fantasy league.
We hadn’t done one the year before, keeping our focus on football, basketball, and baseball. But one of the bros, with some heinous name like Meatwad, insisted. So here we were, launching an NHL fantasy league too.
“Alright, you know the rules. Snake-style draft, so alternating first and last picks,” came the voice of Vince, the ringleader of the fantasy sports group. Vince and I had gone on a very unsuccessful date to a Celtics game where he mansplained basketball to me. I took exceptional delight in crushing his ass in the NBA fantasy league after that. “Let the draft begin.”
This was extra-fun for me, given how many players I knew. Okay, fine, it was like three, but it was a fun three. And the other guys, all Alden med school alumni, were fighting for the Alden grads in the league.
I got Guy as my first forward pick, and it was a strange feeling to pick my friend’s husband. The rounds continued andI worked through the notes I’d taken based on stats and probability. I had Mikey down for my first defenseman pick, but someone else picked him up. I had to find an alternative. My stomach bottomed out on the next headshot.
Colton Jones, 8, Captain, Ohio Rusties, Defenseman. Most guys mean-mugged, but in classic Colton fashion, he had a big smile. It made me hold one back as I tapped his face to select him.
“Isn’t that your ex?” Nouri muttered.
“Wait, what? Vi dated Jonesy?” a voice came from the screen.
Nouri had already moved on to picking his goalie, chanting under his breath as he waited for the pick to solidify.
“Ha! Got him!” Nouri wiggled his shoulders. “Eat that, Vince.”
“How could you take Doyle? You knew I wanted him!” Vince whined.
“I’m surprised Violet didn’t pick him,” someone else said. “Wouldn’t he have been on the team at the same time as Jones?”
My heart pounded and my vision swam. Doyle. A cold sweat broke out on my skin and my breath shallowed.
I cleared my dry throat. “I prefer Nick Oberbeck for goalie. I met him at a wedding. He’s nice. Young too.”
“Nice doesn’t win cups,” Vince grumbled. “But suit yourself.”
I barely heard his negative nonsense. I was miles away mentally, in a darkened room, pulled away from a party.
Harsh breath against my back.
Limbs too weak to defend myself.
Head swimming. Trying to find a way out. Confusion.
I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t do this now. I foughtto pull air into my lungs. I couldn’t let these people see me melt down.
“I think I’m going to turn in,” I said, standing on wobbly legs. “Goodnight, everybody.”
“You don’t want to pick the rest of your team?” Nouri’s brow wrinkled.
“I trust the power of the computer. I got the ones I wanted.” I leaned down to the computer screen and drummed up my most shining version of my personality. “See ya, guys. Have fun losing to me this season!”
I dashed off upstairs without making eye contact with Nouri. I closed my bedroom door and nose-dived into the floral bedspread on my childhood twin bed.
