More hurtful, foolish words had never fallen out of my mouth. I braced myself for the blowback. Violet’s tear-filled eyes narrowed at me, her cheeks flushing.
“I never once asked you tofixme,” Violet growled. “I am in therapy. I am doing what I need to do. I thought this would help you relax and take your mind off the game. I was trying to be a good friend.”
Friend. Another reminder of how fucked up my life was getting. The most beautiful woman in the world was squirming on my bed, but don’t worry, she was just my friend.
But that was my own stupid choice, I guess.
I shrugged with a humorless laugh. “You are, Vi. You’re a good friend. I’m just the guy who can’t fucking get a win. My dad can’t wait to point out all my failings. Every game we lose tightens the damn cinch, and I don’t know how to come out of it. I don’t know how to get out of this.”
Vi sat on her heels at the edge of the bed, brows stitched together while she watched me melt down. “Colt?—”
“I’m not done. You’re going to hate this. I hate that I’m going to say this.”
“It’s okay. Let it out.”
I heaved a breath. “Every single day, I wait for the other Colton and Violet shoe to drop. It fucked me up, Vi. The times you left . . . I was not okay. And I’m still not totally secure that you’re not going to run off again. But I don’t know. I’m kind of doing it to myself. You were sitting here in lingerie with your legs spread, moaning out my name, and I came in here and yelled at you.”
“I’m sorry about that,” she said, picking at a thread on my comforter. “I-I should have checked in with you first. I thought it would be a welcome surprise. But that waspresumptuous.”
Her voice broke, adding to my guilt and shame spiral. “I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish I were better. Easier. I wish I had never hurt you. I’m sorry I dragged you into all this.”
“Honestly, I’m sorry too,” I said, exasperated. “You didn’t drag me into this. All of this is my fucking fault. ‘Hey, Colton! Remember that shady guy you let stay on as the goalie in college? He raped your girlfriend, so now you have to live with that guilt and the trauma he caused her! And now, if you want to have sex with her, you have to do a whole production! And just in case you needed one more thing to worry about, you have to play that guy twice next week!’”
She flinched when I said the “r” word. Violet breathed out hard through her nose. “I understand that you’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. What happened to me isn’t my fault, nor is it yours.” I opened my mouth to object but she silenced me with a look. “I’m working on my shit, and I want to be here for you while you’re going through yours. I didn’t know you were about to play him twice, and I’m happy to talk about how you’re feeling. But I need you to speak to me respectfully. If you don’t want to do the book stuff anymore, we don’t have to.”
My chest tightened. Was this what a heart attack felt like? I was a kid throwing a tantrum while she was a rational adult. She was meeting every metaphorical flail of my little fists with calm restraint. My breaths got shorter and shakier.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t want you to see me like this. I thought I would be alone. I hate feeling this way.”
Her voice was confident. “I’m not afraid of you like this. But if you want me to leave, I’ll go.”
I pressed my lips between my teeth so hard they hurt, my hands on my hips. I closed my eyes, fighting the stinging behind them. I pinched the bridge of my nose and my fingers came away wet. My voice didn’t sound like my own. “I don’t want you to go. I need you.”
My bedsheets crinkled and Violet padded over to me. “Then I’m here.”
Violet raised on her toes and kissed my temple, then cupped the back of my head. Her fingers stroked along my scalp and I nestled my face into her shoulder. And she just held me. Her thumb passed over the base of my skull.
“I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with,” she whispered.
That statement crushed me so badly that I’m surprised there wasn’t an audible crunch from my chest. Loving Violet was the easiest thing I’d ever done in my life, and it killed me that she thought the opposite. But if I dropped the L word right then, she’d have run so fast I’d have just seen a black lace and skin-toned streak disappearing out my door.
And I knew I loved her, because I’d never stopped.
“No. I’m not really mad at you. I like the book stuff, a lot. I’m sorry.”
She held me back, looking me up and down, assessing. “I know you’re frustrated. You’re right to be. These are the times I question whether I should be in anybody’s life, you know? You’re so understanding, but am I going to break your limit? What if I don’t feel better fast enough? What if I can’t get past the triggers?”
“We can work around that,” I said, folding our hands together between us. “What I can’t work around is the threat of you leaving. It’s been too amazing having you back.”
She nibbled her lower lip and gazed at our feet. “It’s different now. I think, back then, I left so you couldn’t leave me. I was in control if I left. And I really needed that.” She tipped her head to the side. “And also, I was scared shitless and triggered. But I could have called you after to work it out and I didn’t.”
“We’re figuring it out now,” I said, leading herso we could sit on the edge of my bed. I pulled her into my lap, looped my arms around her waist, and rested my cheek on her breast. “You look really hot, by the way.”
Violet laughed. “Even with my small boobs? Do they even work as hockey captain pillows?”
I turned to kiss the top of each breast, then nestled my head back in. “Your wonderful little titties make the perfect pillows for this hockey captain.” I stilled, a thought occurring to me. I’d been shoving down this nagging thought since we started this whole arrangement. “Hey, um . . . ugh, I don’t even want to say it.”
“Better out than in,” Violet sang. “We just found out what happens when you hold it all in.”
