A thousand cheesy lines swirl through my head as my hand lands on her waist, but none of them can adequately capture what I need to say. So, I go back to the line I first used with her. “Do you want to kiss me?”
Aria’s jaw tightens and she squeezes her eyes shut. The suspense is brutal. She’d have every reason not to kiss me. But my whole being itches with the need to feel her mouth on mine again.
Her eyes drift open and her lips part. The word is a delicate, breathy sigh. “Yes.”
I take her chin in one hand and use the other to pull her to me until we’re flush, front to front, toe to toe. I brush my thumb under her eye to get her to look into mine, because I need to see. I need my brain to register that this is her, that she’s really back. I lower my lips and, just like that, Aria Johnson is right where I want her.
So I hold her there, waiting for the impatient stroke of her lips to move more, waiting for her to take me like she used to. Greedy, desperate, except this time, I’m the desperate one.
But I can feel it. She pauses, hesitates, and I know it’s over before it really got off the ground.
Aria steps back from me and presses the back of her hand to her lips. Soft thunder rumbles overhead and she looks up at the clouds.
“We should finish up before it rains.”
I know this is a lie. We spent numerous rainy days in the woods as kids. Rain will not get us.
But she wants away from me. The kiss was so right for me, and so wrong for her. I feel about as sick as I did when she fell on me.
Aria high-tails it past me onto the path. “I need to check on Richard’s mushroom.”
I struggle to keep up with her without running. Her shoulders are set, and she keeps her face straight ahead. I know I should give her space, but I want to fix this. And yet, my tongue doesn’t quite work to form the words I need.
I almost trip when she crouches at a tree’s base. “Is that it?”
Ari stills, and says nothing.
Maybe she didn’t hear me. “What? Is that the chicken thing?”
Ari shakes her head, looking down between her feet where she crouches. She stands and brings herself to her full height, her eyes full of fire. “It’s ahenof the woods.Grifola frondosa.Chicken of the woods is a different mushroom,Laetiporus sulphureus.It’s a summer mushroom, while the hen is a fall mushroom. And you would know that if you didn’t disown me every fall!”
My breath comes in jagged spurts. She said it. She called it like it was. Twice now. And I hate myself, because I’m still searching for reasons why it’s not so bad. “I had hockey,” I breathe. “I got busy.”
She crosses her arms over her chest, eyes narrowing. “Brodie. Be real.”
“I am being real!” I don’t want this to be happening. I don’t want to be the person who hurt her. I was the last person who should have hurt her, and I did it over and over.
Disgust rules her face. “No. You’re playing into this ‘ugly duckling now belongs with the beautiful swans’ narrative where you get to rescue me from my nerdy unworthiness. Once again, it’s Brodie the hero. Well, guess what, buddy? You don’t get to use me to feel charitable.”
“Use you?” I’m incredulous.
“Youusedme at the date auction to show what a good person you are for loving the nerd!”
I toss my hands up, but I’m grasping at straws. “This town is full of nerds, Ari! Iris is dating three nerds at the same time. My sister is marrying a nerd. I was trying to show everyone that I like you and I’m not ashamed of you.” I swallow hard and soften my voice. “I wanted you to feel loved.”
A tear drips down her cheek. “Because who else could?”
Four words, and they completely gut me. “Ari.”
“You still feel sorry for me. You think I’m not worthy of love unlessyoulove me.”
“Ari, no. I think you’re brilliant.”
“But unlovable.” She shakes her head. “Nothing’s really changed.”
She turns, sniffling as she walks away, and I don’t think I have a right to go after her.
ELEVEN
