She shrugs and stares at me like I’m supposed to get it. “But the control,” I say.
“I know,” she concedes. “It’s not great.”
“I know that,” I sniff. “That’s why I’m still mad.”
And just like that, I’m starting my day pissed off. “Fuck it. Let’s go for a trail ride before it gets hot.”
* * *
“Isn’tthat the one that tried to kill you?” Bri says, eying Cane warily.
“Let’s not think about it. Come on. Quit stalling. It’s going to get hot fast.”
We ride off past the pond to the trail that leads through the holler and up into the mountain. Cane hasn’t been ridden enough this summer, and it shows. He’s twitchy. I look back at Bri and Freckle jogging along behind us.
I flick my head at Bri, then click my tongue at Cane. “Alright, buddy. Show me what you got.”
Cane breaks into a lope until the path runs out. I slow him down so we can duck into the woods and climb the mountain. Running through dense brush is not advisable. We come to a clearing with some random sandstone boulders, a place we’ve come to sit before. It’s height of summer green, the lush shades so vibrant and varied no number of paint chips could capture it. I tie Cane to a tree, and Bri does the same with Freckle, giving her neck pats when she gets down.
“You’re still frowny,” Bri says, wiggling my shoulder.
Something’s been on my mind since I fought with Jake at the market yesterday, and I don’t know how to feel about it.
My gaze is on my feet, my knees folded under my chin. “He said I was abused, Bri. I can’t get it out of my head. He doesn’t know exactly what happened, just what I’ve told him.”
Bri’s hand lands between my shoulders. “Do you think you were abused?”
I sigh, fighting a case of bubble guts and heat behind my eyes. “I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Do you think I was?”
Bri sucks a deep breath and lets it out, competing with the birdsong around us. “You weren’tnotabused.” Her hand pats my back. “He was hard on you, Darce.”
“Part of me thinks I’m just being dramatic. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was and I’m just playing the victim.”
Bri uses a stick to draw shapes into the rock, a pale brown trail going into the surface. “I think he did a lot of gaslighting. He wants you to think you’re being dramatic. He wants you to think you’re overblowing it so he can keep doing what he was doing. But controlling you by telling you what to wear, how to be, when to work out, and then interfering with your job, that’s pretty serious.”
I rest my head on my knees. “I just never thought it would be me, you know? I don’t want to wear that badge. It was almost a blow to my ego to hear Jake say that.”
“Darcy, it’s not your fault. You know that, right? That’s never your fault.”
I start to cry. “I should have been stronger. I should have seen it coming.”
Bri’s sweaty arm comes to rest around my shoulder and she leans her head against mine. “You can’t see it when you’re in love.”
“It’s hard for me to see Rob as a bad person,” I sob.
Bri sighs. “I don’t think he meant to do it. He’s messed up, you’re messed up, we’re all messed up in our own special ways. We’re all just trauma bags in skin suits wandering around this world looking for solace.”
I chortle and sniffle, wiping my tears. “Wow, that’s optimistic.” I blow out a breath. “I shouldn’t be with anyone at all right now. I’ll do the same thing again. Become a human barnacle, shift my personality, and lose sight of my own needs and dignity.”
Bri folds her knees up too, resting her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. “My thoughts?”
I chuckle. “I guess. I think you’re going to give them regardless.”
“Let Jake love on you, Darcy. Let him be nice to you. If the vibes go off the rails, then you can back out. You don’t have to commit the rest of your life right now. But if you’re interested in having sex and getting cuddled and wollered?*around and having someone adore you, and it sounds like you are, then just enjoy this summer. When is this going to happen again?”
I puff air out my lips. “It’s hard for me to not get attached. I start planning forever.”
She nudges me. “Just this once, try not to. Be here. And tell him how you feel.”
