I close my eyes to suppress the moisture there. “I love her. I want her.”
“It sounds like she loves you too, Jake. She knows she can’t figure out what you want for you. She’s taking care of you.”
I let that sink in. Mom’s right. I’ve been feeling like Darcy gave up on me, but she’s looking out for what’s best for me. “She’s the only thing I’m sure I want. Where I work isn’t relevant. I care more that she’s there, you know?”
Mom stands up and hugs me where I sit, snuggling her cheek to the top of my head. “I’m glad you found a good one, honey. Can’t wait to meet her.”
“If she stays with me,” I sulk.
Mom laughs. “You might have a slight bit of your sisters’ dramatic streak. I wasn’t there, but it sounds like she’s just giving you time. I have a feeling it’s all going to work out.”
I need to stop holding back and get all my thoughts out. “She’s probably inheriting her family’s farm, so she can’t move. She’s convinced I won’t be getting the most out of my degree if I stay where I am. I don’t want to leave her, but we also haven’t been a thing for that long. She was supposed to be getting married this month, so I know she’s going through a lot. What we have feels right, but she doesn’t want to see me right now and I graduate in December. That’s not much time. So where does that leave me?”
Mom sits again, crossing her legs and folding her hands on the table like a talk show host or a boss or something. “So stay a little longer after you graduate. Date her. Make sure it’s what you want.”
I shake my head. “She’s got this idea in her head that I need to go elsewhere to find myself, like I’m missing out on some opportunity if I don’t move to a big city and work on a major robotics team. Like she’s not a good enough reason for me to want to stay. But other than her, I don’t know what I want.”
Because if I did robotics for Mom and I achieved my objective, where do I go from here?
Mom studies me. “Prove it to her. Date her.”
“She said no when I asked if we could date. Said her being around would confuse me too much.”
Mom nods, mulling that over. “She’s afraid of getting hurt too. But you need more time with her.”
“Exactly,” I say.
“I think you need to tell her that. It’s fair for you to need more to go on to make a big decision, and it’s fair for her to want you to do what’s best for you.”
I stare at the yellow-checkered plastic tablecloth. “What if she won’t listen to me?”
Mom smirks. “You’ll find a way.”
FIFTY-FOUR
DARCY
I haven’t sulkedin a few months. I’m due for a good sulk, and I’m trying to pack all my negative emotions into one concentrated sulking session. I know my former therapist would tell me that’s not how feelings work, but she’s not here, is she?
I wander down Paint’s Main Street and it’s maybe the most pathetic thing I’ll ever say, but my hand feels empty without Jake’s in it. I ball it into a fist and remember the way his hand fit with mine.
I stand in front of the soda fountain and lament that I never brought Jake here. His sweet tooth would have loved it. He always ate two more scoops of ice cream than I did, and he always snuck an extra one into my bowl—his way of ensuring I was indulging along with him. Extra ice cream was one of the ways he found joy. And always mint chocolate chip.
My chest fucking aches. God, I miss him.
Okay, it’s not like he’s dead, but I’m grieving him like he is. There’s always the chance he’ll come back and say he’s taken time to think and he wants to keep going. But I can’t count on that.
That stupid phrase “if you love something, let it go” is really fucking annoying right now.
I know I’m being dramatic. I hate it. I don’t like being dramatic.
I’ve been staring blankly into the soda fountain for so long that one of the waitresses waves at me. Add being a weirdo to things I’m checking off. I wave back and move on.
I don’t even think I’d taste ice cream right now.
I make it to the end of Main Street. There are no bars on the main drag, probably an attempt to keep things wholesome in Paint, but the Legion Hall’s about half a mile down the road. There’s not much traffic right now and it’s unlikely anybody’ll dare to do me any harm.
I only get a few stray honks as I walk along the side of the road. It’s still plenty hot here on Labor Day weekend, sweat rolling down my spine.
