“It’s still a mess,” he said, “but the point is, it made me feel like I don’t know love, because all the love in my life was a lie.”
“That’s a lot to take. I see why you shut down,” I said. “But you do know love, babe. You know how your friends love you. You know how Guy and Kitty love each other, and Dylan and Jeanine. You know love. Just because what you got from your parents was complicated doesn’t mean you can’t love. And your parents do love you. They’re just figuring it all out.”
His eyes were fixed on the floor. “My dad was still super hard on me growing up. I was so convinced that if I just played hockey good enough, he’d be around more. I thought I was the reason he was gone. I kept fucking up in critical games because the pressure to get him to stay and be proud of me was too intense.”
“Ben—”
“Hang on, there’s more. I need you to hear it all. All my skeletons. Everything bad. I won’t be able to trust that you love me until you’ve seen it all.”
This poor, sweet man thought he was unlovable. It was soul-crushing. “Okay, baby. Go on.”
“I have chronic stomach problems, IBS. I was having an episode when you called me and I told you to leave.”
“I know, Ben. I mean, not that you were sick then, but I put the pieces together since we live together.”
“That’s so fucking embarrassing, Jess,” he said, shaking his head.
“It’s your body, baby. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I love you and your body.”
Ben was quiet, his eyes wet.
“That all?”
He gave a self-conscious laugh. “I mean, I slept with a lot of women. Like a whole lot. Like probably a bad number.”
“I’m not worried about your past, Ben. But I am worried about how we treat each other now, and how you treat yourself. I love you, but you need to know that you’re worthy of love, too. You’re worth it even if you have a bad game, or quit hockey, or screwed a bunch of women, or screw something up. You bring so much joy and love and care to the table. You know that, right?”
He didn’t say anything, just crushing me into a hug where I sat on the toilet lid. He sat back and took the mug out of my hands, standing and guiding me to the shower. He still had his clothes on.
“You coming in?”
He got a little smirk. “If you’ll have me.”
“Get in here, Jockey.”
I don’t remember much about washing myself, because Ben did everything. Between every action, he covered me in kisses. On my mouth, on my skin, down my sides, between my legs.
I shampooed his hair, loving how thick the hair felt in my fingers. I spent extra time rubbing his neck and shoulders, his satisfied sighs a reward.
We got out of the shower, drying each other off. Ben radiated reverence, his eyes raking over my every feature like he was seeing them new for the first time. He held my hand walking me to the bed and laid down a towel for our wet hair.
“Lie down, baby,” he said, climbing on the bed after me. He hovered over me, gazing down into my eyes. “I love you so much, Jessalyn. Whatever it takes, I’m willing to do.”
I knew he wasn’t just talking about sex. He was talking aboutus. “I love you, too, Ben.”
“So you’ll come home with me? Stop living here?”
I nodded, stroking his cheek. “I’ll come home with you.”
“Toourhome. It’s ours, Jessie.”
I smiled. “Yes. Ours.”
And then we shut up. We kissed, all tangled up together, rolling each other to our backs. It was physical, yes, but like that day after the beach, it was so much more than sex. Kisses went everywhere. I worshiped him, and he worshiped me. There was pleasure and something even deeper: a quiet peace, a union, an iron-clad bond.
He entered me at last, his lips on my neck with whispered promises. To love me until I begged him to stop. To build a home together. To work on the hard stuff. And I promised not to leave. To be with him when life was hard. To be a partner, facing life together.
And for a while, we were silent, shared breath. He gazed into my eyes as he pressed into me, over and over. His hands alternated between grabbing and tender caresses. I held his shoulders, his waist, his hips. We came, him first with a soft whimper, and then me with a little help from his hand and his sweet words. “Be mine, Jessie. You’re so beautiful when you let go for me. Let me have it. Let me take care of you.”
