Choose happiness. It was some phrase I’d seen on a mug that some overly optimistic girl in one of my classes carried. I hated it. And yet, I weaponized it and used it on my best friend. The love of my life.
Guys hit on me, but it didn’t feel right. I was too wounded. I knew what real love looked like. Why would I waste time with someone who wasn’t The One? Guy was The One.
A cute guy from one of my classes, Evan, kissed me at a party. I gave off all the right signals. I didn’tnotwant him to kiss me. I didn’t push him away. I pushed myself to like him back. But I just couldn’t.
When Evan kissed me, I cried. Mikey happened to be at thatparty, and he shoved Evan against a wall asking what he’d done to me. I just looked at Mikey and shook my head.
“Him?” he asked. I nodded.
Mikey apologized to Evan, who never sat next to me in class or even looked my way again. I appreciated Mikey’s big brother attitude, but ultimately, I was relieved when he graduated and got drafted to the Princes’ system. The sooner the boys who had known me and Guy as an item were gone, the sooner I could move on.
I did my best to keep my chin up and bury myself in my craft. And mostly, I succeeded.
Eventually, I was able to kiss other men and not cry. I had a good sense of humor going into my first time fucking someone new. I knew it would be weird. My last partner had known every quirk of my body, every single secret about me. How could this guy ever measure up to my Guy?
“Don’t compare him,” I chanted in my head, but how could I not? The man between my legs seemed to have no idea that the vagina and clitoris are in fact not the same. I ended up taking charge of that encounter, holding my hand over his mouth to shut him up and closing my eyes as I rode him. He thought it was the hottest sex that either of us had ever had. Sadly, that was only true for one of us. I was literally going through the motions and left as soon as I could.
Guy’s ghost lurked everywhere, waiting to remind me exactly how good I’d had it.
I lived, but I was haunted.
Chapter 29
Guy
When COVID first hit the U.S., I went into a spiral. I knew Kitty was still at Alden, which isn’t that far from New York. I had this panic that she was sick or would die without talking to me again. Hockey was on hold while everything was locked down, so all I had to do with my time was eat, sleep, and worry. I didn’t have a partner to hang out with. I just had myself. I was terribly lonely and deeply anxious.
I needed Kitty.
For years, our back-and-forth had only been via text. Little reminders of our friendship, inside jokes, silly memes that we knew the other would think were funny. She, Frank, and I still had a three-way text going, sometimes more lit up than others. But when I developed this fear that she was in danger, I had to call her, breaking out of the text chain.
I was shaking as the phone rang. I was never afraid when a 200-pound man came hurtling down the ice at me with a vision of wedging my body between his and the boards. But the thought of that five-foot-seven woman being in danger put more fear in me than anything could. If I lost her, I’d have nothing.
Her voice was warm on the other end. “Hi, Guy-Guy.”
A smile cracked over my face at hearing her, though my words broke. I realized how long it had been since I smiled. “Kitty Bird. Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m in Cambridge still.”
“We have to get you out of there, Kitty. Are you feeling okay? Are you healthy?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Are you okay? Your team is already a breeding ground as it is.”
She wasn’t wrong. If one of us got a cold or stomach bug, it wasalmost guaranteed to make its way around the locker room. We spit and bled all over each other all the time, a veritable cesspool at times.
“I haven’t seen anyone in like five days. I hope nobody has it. You’re so close to New York, though,ma puce.”
“It’s just been me and Violet holed up together for now. We’re okay.”
“I’m so worried about you. Can I rent you a car to drive home?”
She chuckled, kind of sad. “Mark Gatto’s already on it, Frenchie.”
I snorted. “Of course he is.”
“He’s on his way to get me. I’m more worried about him getting it since he’s older. We’re going to ride home with the windows down. We’ll both isolate when we get back.”
My heart pounded. “Kitty, I need to know you’re okay. I need to see you.”
