“But something has to give, Guy. We’re stressing each other out trying to stay together and it’s only the beginning.”
I couldn’t hold back anymore. Tears brimmed for me, too. “Am I losing you, Kitty?”
She didn’t say anything, just sobbed, looking into my eyes. We wiped at each other’s tears.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered.
We held each other on the bathroom floor, mourning the wall of insurmountable challenges we faced. The only way we could be there for each other is if one of us gave up everything. Andneither of us wanted the other to do that.
When it was clear Kitty wasn’t going to get sick again, I helped her to her feet. We got ready for bed. We laughed at each other for crying while we brushed our teeth. We were rock bottom pathetic. Then I held her tight to me in bed, thinking maybe if I held tight enough, it wouldn’t be real.
Chapter 26
Kitty
I was up early on Christmas Eve, still adjusting to West Coast time. I put on a pot of coffee and looked out over a still-dark Seattle. Guy padded out to the kitchen at around six, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He didn’t say a word, just wrapped himself around me from behind. I twined my arms over his and he kissed my neck.
“I don’t even want to say it,” I moped.
“Merry Christmas?” he asked, mirth in his voice.
I turned to face him. “No, you goof. Let’s have coffee and talk.”
We settled in on his couch, facing into each other. We were close enough to hold hands but far enough to give ourselves space. I wanted to be able to study his face while we talked through it all.
“How do you think things are going when we’re apart?” I started, giving him an open-ended question to answer.
“Not great,” he said. “I want to say that it’s not your fault, though. I want to make that clear.”
“I know. It’s not your fault, either,” I said. “Distance is just really hard.”
“It is. Harder than I thought it would be,” he admitted.
“I think we’re kind of torturing ourselves. You deserve to be able to focus on hockey. Our relationship is supposed to bring joy, not stress.”
“You do bring me joy, Kitty. You make me so happy. So stupid happy. But it’s not the same when we’re not together. It’s like something gets lost along the way. I still love you, so deeply. I still think you’re the love of my life.”
I held back tears as he said that. “I think that, too. But we’re hurting each other trying to force it. We’re both leading half-lives instead of supporting each other.”
Guy nodded. “We are.”
The next part was super hard to say. “I don’t know when the hard part would end, Guy. The distance is going to be a thing at least until I graduate, and then I’ll probably be in New York or L.A. At minimum, we’re talking two and a half more years. That’s a long time of things being hard.”
“It is. For what it’s worth, I don’t want to break up. I just want to have it all work.”
I took his hand, the calluses of his palm a familiar scrape. “I wish it was that easy. But you deserve to not be distracted by misery, and I deserve to focus on my dreams, too.”
“You’re part of my dream, Birdy. I just can’t figure out how to make it work right now,” Guy said. “I want to spend my life with you. You’re my person, Kitty.”
“I want that, too. But I don’t think we can do that right now.”
Guy was quiet for a while. We both knew what we needed to do. Neither of us wanted to say it.
“What do we do for the next few days?”
I shrugged, morose. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to be sad the whole time. I want to pretend. I want to love you like it’s not the last time.”
