I never told my poor girlfriend at the time, Elise. She was another case of a girl who I wasted time with while the one I really cared about was unreachable.
And I wasn’t in a place where I could reach Kitty anyway. It just hurt too much. Talking to her reminded me of Maman dying, and of the promise I made to her.
I still loved Kitty. I never stopped. But it was hard knowing she was so far away, and that I couldn’t have her.
Frank told me that she wrote a play that was getting put on at her school during her senior year. I tried to figure out a way to go to Charleston to see it, but it just didn’t work with my practice schedule. Instead, I found a little gold necklace of a tiny bird, the kind I’d seen on our street in West Virginia. I made sure it would arrive the day of her play starting.
My note read like this:
KB –
A little bird told me your play is opening tonight.
I know it’ll be great, because you made it. I’m so proud of you.
Love, Guy-Guy
She sent a snap with a picture of her wearing the necklace and a thank you. Later that night, after the play had closed, she sent me a text.
Kitty Bird
I miss you
I sat on it for a while. I missed her terribly, but I was embarrassed about how bad I was at keeping in touch. That night, after I’d had many drinks to celebrate our win over Princeton, I broke away from the party to call her. I left a voicemail that I’m sure was a drunken mess. It was 2 a.m., so of course, she was asleep like a reasonable high schooler. I don’t remember all of what I said, but it was something like this:
“Hey, Kitty Bird. I hope your play was good. You’re a star. I miss seeing you. I love you forever.”
She sent me a text reply in the morning.
Kitty Bird
You’re a dork. Love you too
And that was about the extent of it. At that point, I assumed our I love you’s had morphed into friendship I love you’s. I didn’t have the right to her heart, especially since I hadn’t done anything to earn it and had left her hanging. Again. Just like I did when I didn’t stick up for her after kissing her. I had my reasons, but I realized that I was in a pattern with her. Not a good one.
Frank told me she was going to Alden, but Kitty didn’t mention it. I think she was secretly mad for all the time I spent avoiding her. Maybe mad’s not the right word, but she understood that it wasn’t our time to try like Maman had asked.
Then on move-in weekend for freshmen, the Gattos insisted I join them for dinner while they dropped Kitty off. Kitty was civil, but didn’t say much. She was so fucking pretty, but there was a cool air about her that told me to back off. We had to wait at the restaurant, so Kitty and I stood outside while Mark and Heather sat to wait inside.
“So, Alden, huh?” I scuffed my shoes on the ground, hands in my pockets. “You get all moved in?”
“I didn’t come here for you.” The way she delivered it sounded like a mobster in a trench coat casually flicking her cigarette into the gutter. Our last interaction had been so friendly that I was somewhat shocked by her stormy mood.
“Yeah. I get it. You wanted to go here first. I had a full ride, so I went for it,” I said, trying to warm her up.
“Must be nice,” she scoffed. “Some of us will have debt for an eternity.”
Kitty was truly like a cat hissing at me. Maybe shewaspissed at me.
“Well, it’s really good to see you again,” I tried. “Your necklace looks good. How was your play?”
She softened the tiniest fraction, touching the tiny bird at the hollow of her throat. “It was good. You should’ve seen Mr. Bangor trying to manage it all.”
She launched into the story and I did my best to encourage herand get her to smile. Luckily, our table got called, and we went inside. Heather ran the show, asking me about hockey and my schoolwork. Kitty was mostly pleasant until Heather asked me to give Kitty tips for school.
“Mom, I can settle in on my own just fine. Guy doesn’t have to be my tour guide,” Kitty insisted, cutting her salad into minuscule pieces. I’d never seen lettuce so small.
While it was good to see Mark and Heather, I couldn’t tell if Kitty was embarrassed by her parents or just wanted space from me. It probably was awkward for her. People spread rumors about us in the past. The rumor mill was probably turning again saying she followed me to college. But I didn’t see her much on campus, just a passing hello here and there. I got the impression she was doing her own thing. I figured when the time was right, I’d see her. I just hoped it was soon.
