Someone who enjoyed having a man watch her dance, enjoyed a man holding her. Enjoyed kissing. So much so that I think I would’ve gone all the way. Let him take my clothes off. Let him take me in ways I’ve never let anyone do before. Let him bring out this new woman I was and possibly even name her. Possibly even claim her.
I think I would’ve gone all the way if the club was our hotel room. But it wasn’t.
The cool night air sobered me up. Brought Alice and Bianca back, chased away whoever I’d become in that club. Chased her away so completely I didn’t even remember meeting her. And the wild ride through the empty streets banished her for good.
He was disappointed when I told him we had to leave.
I expected him to argue. To ask what was going on, why I was changing my mind. A part of me hoped he would. Then maybe that third woman would come back. Maybe she’s the oneI would’ve grown up to be if Gael never happened to me. But who knows? Who will ever know that? Not me.
He didn’t argue. Hardly even asked why. He just stood there and looked at me like a storm brewing in human form and has said nothing now for the whole ride back to our motel. The music is on too loud, the night air blowing in through my open window is so cold it cuts my face, because we’re driving so fast and I don’t know if he’ll even be my friend anymore once we reach our destination.
Alice doesn’t care. Bianca kind of does. And that third woman… she’s screaming in despair over that prospect.
The town of South Cave is almost completely dark. Even the church and the community center next to it are covered by what looks like a thick black blanket. Unsurprisingly, none of the lights are on at the motel. Could just be the really late hour, but I doubt it. We’re probably the only ones staying there.
The headlights of his car are bright enough to illuminate all the shabbiness of the motel though. I’m glad when he turns them off once we reach my bike that I left parked in front of my room.
I open the door to climb out, wondering if I should say goodnight or just slip away quietly. He grabs hold of my arm before I can though and his touch is fire. Just like his kisses and caresses back at that club were fire. A cleansing fire that let me just be.What the hell am I even thinking?
“Are we really gonna leave it like this?” he asks.
“You can do what you want,” I say. “I’m not forcing you to stay.”
I said that because I’m sure he’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning. I’m sure that’s what he’s saying. And I wouldn’t blame him.
He releases my arm and I get out of the car.
“I just want you to know that I had a great time tonight,” he says, grinning softly at me. “The best.”
“Yeah, me too,” I say slam the car door. I can give him this much. I can admit this much. But I can’t give him anything more.
I go into my motel room and bolt the door behind me. I left all the shopping bags with my new clothes in the car, but I won’t need them now. Because I’m sure his headlights will come back on any second and he’ll be gone by morning and I’ll have to face Gael all on my own.
Maybe that’s for the best. But I close the thick blackout curtains on the window anyway, because I don’t want to see his headlights come on. I don’t want to watch him leave. I don’t want to know I’ve messed up yet another thing that could be something great, because I’m too scared to face the broken pieces of myself. Or let anyone see them, for that matter.
16
Nico
I had her. She was mine for the taking. And then I lost her.
Lost her so completely I just sat there in my car after she disappeared into her motel room, trying to figure out if tonight was just an elaborate nightmare or what.
And trying to decide whether I should just leave.
She clearly doesn’t want me. Not the way I want her. So what’s the point of sticking around?
The old me, the one who partied so hard I rarely knew what day it was would’ve been out of here the moment she slammed the car door. But that was the me before I betrayed my entire family, burned all my bridges, and didn’t build a whole lot of new ones since all that happened. Truth is, I don’t have a lot of friends anymore.
Truth is also that I can’t just let Alice go. She’s done things to me no other woman ever has. Made me care for her in ways I haven’t cared for another person, ever. Made me see her, before I see myself. And I like who I am when I’m with her. Even if she hardly lets me kiss her. And might never let me fuck her.
She needs my help and I promised her my help. I can’t leave her to face that priest alone.
The sun was rising by the time I realized that. And it was easy to go into my motel room after that. It was even easy to fall asleep on the lumpy mattress that nevertheless smelled surprisingly clean. Clean like moonlight. Clean like Alice.
Knocking woke me, pulling me out of a dream that I can’t quite remember but know was a good one.
“Wake up!” Alice calls through the door. “It’s past noon.”
