Those were not the words I meant to say.
Finally, Beck shrugs. “So, what’s the problem?”
Isn’t it obvious?
“My mother was ruled by her heart, and it killed her. I’m not going to make the same mistakes she did.” It’s a struggle to keep my voice cool and unaffected. None of us talk about our bio parents often—we haven’t spoken of them in years—because it always cuts right to the quick. “I will not fall in love and give my heart to the wrong person so I can end up broken and alone.”
Nick lifts a brow and looks pointedly around the office. “As opposed to what?”
I may be alone, but I’m not broken. Just temporarily…off-kilter.
“You’re miserable without her.” Beck spreads his hands like one of those goddamned relationship experts you see online. Next, he’ll insist I miss her.Because you do, asshole. “If you’re going to be miserable either way, you might as well go for it.”
Nick tips his chin toward our younger brother. “What he said.”
“Thanks, Dr. Phil, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”
“Maybe.” He shrugs. “Or maybe you’re being hardheaded.”
“Like the time you refused to believe the mall Santa was the real deal and pulled off his beard,” Beck chimes in, grinning at the memory.
“I was right, wasn’t I?”
Yeah, and you made half a dozen kids in line cry.
Nick waves a dismissive hand. “You’re missing the point.”
“And what exactly is the point?”
“You’re stubborn as fuck.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “From what you’ve told us, Lucy is nothing like the men your mother dated, and you’re nothing like your mom. You’re far more cautious. In the twenty-two years I’ve known you, Lucy is the first and only woman you’ve ever let in.” He smirks. “Well, aside from Mama Hart, but I think we can agree she doesn’t count for this exercise.”
Beck frowns. “What’s really going on in that thick skull of yours?”
Christ. They aren’t going to let this go.
Below the desk, I wipe my palms on my thighs. “It’s nothing.”
“If it were nothing, you wouldn’t be tangled up in knots,” Nick says, pointing out the obvious.
He’s right, as usual.
Just get it over with.
“I don’t have a lot of great memories from my life before Mama Hart.” I scrub a hand over my face. It’s old news, but I don’t know where else to start, and unpacking baggage you’ve kept locked up tight for twenty-two years is no joke. “My mom dated some real bastards, but I remember this one time, she met a guy she swore was different. Eli was clean-cut, had a good job, and lived on a goddamn cul-de-sac. The exact opposite of her usual type. Hell, even I thought he was nice at first. Figured maybe I’d finally have a normal family.” The memories come flooding back, and I close my eyes, bracing for impact. “It didn’t take Eli long to shatter my illusions. When he drank, he was the meanest sonofabitch of them all.”
I pause, pulse thrumming at my temple. My brothers remain silent, their attention fixed on me, waiting for me to continue.
“Afterward, he’d apologize. The bastard would tell her he loved her as he patched up her cuts and bruises.” My gut clenches, and I force a breath out through my nose.It’s done. The past is the past. “And she’d say it back, like the beatings were a goddamn sign of affection.”
Nick shakes his head in disgust. “That’s fucked up.”
“No kidding.” Five years old and even I knew it was toxic as fuck. “Which is why I have no interest in falling in love.”
“That’s some heavy shit,” Beck says, fiddling with his glasses. “And you know we’ve always got your back, whatever you decide, but whatever your mom and Eli had, it wasn’t love.”
I glare at him across the desk, but he’s unflinching.
“I get it. Those experiences left a mark.” He throws up a hand like he thinks I’m going to argue. No chance of that happening. He’s right on the money. “But you aren’t your mom, Miles, and Lucy isn’t one of those men.”
