“Hey, are you okay?” Andi asks, her hand gripping my shoulder.
“Uh, yeah. I was just reminiscing about something. I’m good.”
I’m not good.
I came in here looking for Linzie, wanting to fix what fell apart, and now—I’m wondering if maybe I just need to give her some space. Let her sort through her feelings. I know I’ll never love another woman the way I love Maggie. But Linzie has a space in my heart that is only for her. I see a future with Linzie. The question is, does she still see one with me?
CHAPTER 7
LINZIE
“Mom, go back inside. Seriously. It’s too cold for you out here. Besides, doesn’t Andi need your help in the kitchen?” Trevor complains for about the tenth time.
“Do you not want to spend time with your mother? Is that the problem? Do you have a woman out here behind the barn and you’re just waiting for me to leave so you can have your way with her?” I tease. Trevor rolls his eyes in a huff. His breath is a puff of smoke in the freezing air.
“No. But I don’t want my mother to catch pneumonia and spend Christmas alone in the hospital.”
I gasp. “You mean you wouldn’t visit me? You’d leave me alone in the hospital … onChristmas?”I grip my chest, feigning disappointment and heartache.
“Cut the shit, Mom. I know you’re out here hiding from Gabe.”
Damn him.He’s too observant for his own good.Or mine.
“I’m not hiding. I just wanted to come outside and help. And there’s nothing going on between me and Gabe anymore. I don’t think we want the same things,” I admit out loud for the first time to anyone.Including myself.
Trevor leads the first horse into the barn and walks him to the stall at the end. I help him by putting oats and hay into the feeder while he brushes the magnificent animal and gets him settled in.
“Mom, I’ve seen you two together. That man loves you. I mean, why else would he go through the trouble of asking me if I’m okay with him pursuing you, and making sure I would have no objection if you two took things a step further?”
“Hewhat?” I’m completely taken off guard. “When did he do all this?”
And what did he mean by taking things a step further?
Trevor shrugs. “When he first wanted to ask you out.” He resumes brushing the horse. “Gabe pulled me aside and asked me if I would be upset if he asked you out on a date. He knew you were a widow, like him, and that I was close to Dad. He didn’t want there to be any issues between us. I guess, you know, he thought I might not want you to replace Dad or seeing you move on would bother me. But it doesn’t. I don’t think Dad would want you to stay single. Not if he knew you had a real shot at finding someone who loves you and would take care of you. Like Gabe does and would,” he says pointedly.
“You don’t think your father would mind if I moved on?” I thought about thatvery thingfor a long time and decided if someone came into my life I could share laughter and joy with, then I would put myself out there again. It’s what Michael would’ve wanted for me. It’s what I would’ve wanted for him if the roles were reversed. It’s not that I didn’t love my husband, but being alone is sometimes harder than trying again.
“No. I don’t. But I also don’t think it’s moving on. Not really,” Trevor says.
“Explain.”
“You didn’t break up or get a divorce, Mom. Dad was killed in combat. It’s not moving on. You’ll never forget what you twohad together or the memories you shared. You’re just adding someone new to your life so you can have a life and make more memories with them. It doesn’t erase your past. It adds happiness to your future.”
“Wow, kid.” I breathe. “How’d you get so smart?”
Trevor smiles, coming around the horse to where I’m standing, then wraps me in a hug. “I have great parents.” He kisses the top of my head, and I wrap my arms around his waist, squeezing him tight.
We work together to bring in the next horse and repeat the same process. I feed him while Trevor brushes him.
“Your dad isn’t what’s holding me back from having a relationship with Gabe. I want you to know that.”
“Then what is it?” Trevor continues brushing the horse’s mane.
“Things haven’t been the same since the feds came into town.”
“So, you guys had a fight. It’s not that big of a deal. Couples argue all the time, but if you run away and don’t try to work it out, what will you be giving up?”
I shrug him off. “It’s not that easy, Trev.” I sigh. “I don’t think Gabe feels the way you think he does about me.” My chest literally hurts admitting this out loud for the first time. “I don’t know, actually. It seems like maybe all he’s looking for is a physical connection, and I want so much more than that, Trev. Ineedmore.”
