“People suck. I ran into a woman and her little girl on my run yesterday. Somebody had worked her over pretty good. Black eye, split lip kind of thing. Kanga wanted to say hi to the kid and the mom basically had a panic attack when I got too close. She was…terrified. This tiny little girl waved at me with a cast on her arm. It just triggered me is all. Made me want to track down whoever did that to them and do some busting up of my own.” He drains the rest of his bottle and sighs deeply. “Like I said, people suck.”
My fingers tighten around my beer bottle as flashes of my own mother’s black and blue face cross my mind. I push it aside and give him a nod of understanding.
“Yeah, man, people suck.”
Avery
Irub at my tired eyes as I listen to Chloe’s breathing deepen into sleep, cozy in her backseat nest of piles of blankets and hot water bottles. This will be our third night sleeping in the car and it gets harder every night.
The first two nights we parked at a huge service station next to transport trucks but there were so many people walking around through the night that I jumped and flinched at every little noise, terrified that someone would try and get into the car. I’m beyond exhausted and I need sleep so tonight we drove further out of town and I parked us at an empty industrial building that has for lease signs all over it. There shouldn’t be anyone around the place so I might actually get to sleep through the night.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the guilt of putting my baby into this situation is a constant weight.
Tonight is the coldest night by far and the snow has been falling for a few hours, covering the car windows. I can still see the occasional set of headlights sweep past on the road not far away from where we’ve parked but they are few and far between as most people have made it home for the night. The occasional lights give me a little comfort that I’m not all alone out here but they also make me tense up that it will be a police car that will swing in and check out why a car is parked in the lot of an empty building.
The two emergency candles I have lit on the center console flicker as a gust of wind rattles the car, making me even more nervous. Their small flames help take the chill from the air in the car but I can’t leave them lit when I finally let myself go to sleep. I lean back into the driver’s seat and try and relax but my brain just won’t shut down. I’m down to twenty-six dollars and change. So far no one has gotten back to me about house cleaning or babysitting so that means no prospect of earning any more money to keep us going. I don’t know what to do. Everything feels so hopeless.
Not only do I feel like the worst mother but now I feel like a criminal as well. This morning, I had pulled into a hotel parking lot to try and kill some time while waiting for the library to open and had watched families coming and going through the doors with envy. I would give anything to be staying in one of those cozy rooms with hot showers. I could tuck Chloe under the covers and take a long hot bath to soothe the aches from my injuries. When I couldn’t take watching all those lucky families anymore, I turned my eyes away and they landed on the huge sign for the hotel bragging about their free hot breakfast and pool. I stared at that sign for a good ten minutes before something took over me and then I was in motion.
I grabbed one of the suitcases from the trunk, and with my dark sunglasses on, I took Chloe inside that hotel straight over to the hot breakfast stations set up in one corner of the lobby. We feasted on everything they had on offer and I slid some yogurt cups and granola bars into my purse when no one was looking. Not only did I steal that food meant for paying hotel guests but I waited until a mom and her kids came through with towels and pool toys and we followed behind them right into the pool change rooms. I locked us into the handicap shower stall and Chloe and I showered for the first time since we ran away from home. Even wracked with anxiety that we would be caught couldn’t diminish just how amazing that shower felt.
So now I’m not only a bad mother and homeless but I’m also a criminal. I hate that my life has turned out this way, that I can’t give my baby the life she deserves. I glance into the back seat as tears trickle down my face but only a tuft of her dark curls can be seen from how bundled-up she is and I wonder just how much worse it can get. I bite down on my bottom lip and wince at the pain which reminds me that her being abused would be even worse than what we are dealing with right now.
I turn back to the snow-covered windshield and wipe away my tears. As hard as this is, staying would have been worse. Headlights wash over the snow and I tense up, waiting for them to pass by but instead the light that brightens the snow cover jerks back and forth and then gets brighter until the whole car is lit up inside. My hands start to shake as I quickly blow out the candles and then turn the key to give me enough power to run the wipers. It takes a few passes to clear the snow from the windshield so I can see and then I’m cursing under my breath.
Of all the bad luck! A car has gone off the road and slid partway into the ditch so that the headlights are spotlighting my snow-covered car. I watch as tires spin and spin but get no traction. Finally, a man steps out from the driver’s side and starts trying to push the car out. I cringe when he slips in the snow and ends up flat on his back.
As bad as I feel for the guy, this is really bad for me. If he calls the police for help to get him out, they could investigate why I’m parked here. I need this guy to get out of the ditch and fast. I glance back but Chloe’s still asleep and should stay that way for the night. I could just drive away and find a new place to park but the roads are icy and it would mean burning more gas.
I curse one more time under my breath and then reach for my scarf, hat, and gloves and bundle up. I get out of the car and gently close the door, praying that Chloe won’t wake up in the few minutes this should take and freak out when she finds me gone. I stomp through the snow and down into the ditch until I’m a few feet away.
“Need a hand?”
The man spins around so fast that he almost goes down again but manages to catch himself on his car. It’s an expensive car too. Some kind of fancy high-end Mercedes. It goes well with his overall high-end look. I can tell how expensive his coat is even covered in a fine dusting of snow from when he fell. He focuses on me with sharp grey eyes and tries to get a look at me but only my eyes show so he gives up with a frustrated sigh.
“Looks that way. You don’t happen to have cell service, do you? I can’t seem to get any bars to call a tow truck.”
I shrug a shoulder in my puffy jacket. I’m not going to tell this guy that I don’t have a cell phone.
“No, must be a dead zone. I can help you push it out, though.”
He scans me again and raises a disbelieving eyebrow. There’s no hiding my slight frame, even all bundled up. Something about the look has me squaring my shoulders.
Beforehim,I was fairly capable of taking care of myself and even though being this close to a strange man makes me nervous, I can do this. I might not be able to care for my daughter or myself properly right now but I can damn well help get his car out of the ditch so I lift my chin and meet his gaze.
“Grab your floor mats and jam them under the back tires. I’ll back you out while you push.” I cock my head to the side. “First time going into a ditch? It’s fairly straightforward to get out but it helps to have two people.” I tell him in a flat tone and then glance over my shoulder at my snow-covered car and strain my ears to listen for Chloe.
The guy follows my line of sight and opens his mouth like he’s going to ask a question so I pre-empt him by waving at his car.
“Floor mats?”
He tries to get a look at my face again but I stay out of the direct glare of his headlights so he can’t see much and then he finally nods.
“Yeah, okay, thanks. I appreciate the help.”
He slides through the snow to get back to the door of his car and I look down and spot the dress shoes he’s wearing. Crap! Maybe I’ll have to be the one to push while he drives. He won’t be able to get much traction in those shoes.
I say as much, causing him to growl out, “No, I probably have twice the body mass than you do. I’ll push, you drive.”
