She shrugs one shoulder and punches buttons on her screen and then pulls an empty cup and lid from under the counter and sets it in front of me but then pauses and looks me over once again before grabbing a second empty cup and doubling the first.
“Coffee station’s on the right against the wall. Refills are free.” She taps the doubled cup and lowers her voice. “Bring the second cup back if you want next time so you don’t have to pay. Can I get you anything else?”
I shake my head unable to speak as tears well up at the small act of kindness.
“Alright, that’ll be three forty-eight, then. Cash or card?”
I manage to squeak out “cash” and hand her the bills and coins. She nods and calls out, “Next.” I snag the cups and lid and move over to the coffee station to fill up. I add more creamer and sugar than I normally would take to give me a boost of calories and when they slide my order tray onto the counter, ask for a few more containers of syrup to add to my food supplies in the car.
I spot a booth close to the play place and head that way, snagging a discarded local paper from an empty table and get Chloe set up with her breakfast. She goes to work on her pancakes after I cut them into bite-sized pieces and I’m surprised that she doesn’t ask me any questions about waking up in the car instead of her bed. I know I’m going to have to talk to her about what’s happening but right now I’m grateful for the reprieve as I suck back my too-sweet coffee. She makes it through half her plate before she starts sending excited glances towards the jungle gym filled with brightly colored plastic tunnels and slides and finally asks if she can go.
I smile brightly at her. “Ok, baby but try and be careful not to bang your cast. I’ll be right here watching you if you need anything or if you get tired.”
She slides off the bench and practically runs to the fun area leaving me sitting alone as I watch her like a hawk for the first few minutes to make sure she’s up to playing with her newly broken arm. I don’t know if it’s the resilience of youth or the pain killer dose I gave her but she’s all smiles and happy giggles as she plays. Seeing her happy and having fun, I slide the tray that still has half a plate of pancakes and a bag of apple slices to the side and flip open the local paper.
Greenwich, Connecticut is where we stopped. I don’t know a single thing about this town except how many miles it is from him so I start reading. It doesn’t take me very long to realize that we’ve stopped in a fairly wealthy town. On the one hand, that might mean it will be a safe place with low crime but on the other it means that I’d have no shot at affording any place to live even if I could get a job. I glance up and spot my girl playing with the built-in puzzles on the wall so I flip to the wanted ads and start scanning for a possible job. Right away I have a flush of panic take over me at all the qualifications listed for each job. I have zero qualifications to do any of them.
I push the paper away in frustration and sip the dredges of my coffee as I think back on who I was before him. I had goals and dreams. Didn’t I? I can’t even remember who that person was anymore.
My parents had me late in life. I was a surprise baby that showed up when my mother thought she was almost done menopause. My parents were set to retire and had plans to travel the world when I surprised them with my arrival. They loved me so much and never once made me feel like I had intruded on their lives in any way. My mother gave me my love of reading and my dad taught me everything he thought a young girl should know about being independent. I could change my own oil, a tire, and do a budget all by the time I was sixteen. The irony is that he wanted to make sure I didn’t need a man to take care of me after he passed.
I was in my last year of high school when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It was a long, drawn-out battle that she lost just after graduation. I think dad was just too tired to go on without her. I found him a week after my graduation in their bed holding her bathrobe. He went to sleep thinking of her and just never woke up again. Eighteen and alone in the world, I quickly found out that mom’s medical bills and both their funeral expenses had wiped out all their savings and most of their life insurance. The only thing I could do was sell the house and try to find a path forward. That’s where I met him.
He came highly recommended as a realtor. He was so handsome and charming and in my grief I had no defenses against him. We were married by Christmas and in less than a year Chloe was born. I was a nineteen-year-old wife and mother with no family and the friends I did have had all left for college. It didn’t take him very long to completely isolate me after that and that’s when he showed me who I had really married.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna play anymore. Is it time for school?”
Her sweet little voice pulls me from my dark memories.
“Oh! Um, well, I told you we were on a fun adventure trip remember? So, school’s on break for a while and we’re going to do other things instead. Look! I brought you your coloring book and crayons so why don’t you finish your pancakes and color me a picture?”
She shakes her head, sending black curls swaying as she looks at the book I hold out to her with her violet eyes that match mine and purses her adorable little pink rosebud mouth.
“Kay, but only blues today. It feels like a blue day. Not hungry anymore so no pancakes.”
I nod seriously back at her. “Blue it is. Do you want me to sort out the colors or do it yourself?”
She shakes her head again and starts pulling all the different shades of blue from the crayon box.
“Can you stay here, please? I’m just going right over there to get another coffee. I’ll be back lickety-split!”
A smile spreads across her face so I walk quickly over to the coffee station and get a refill. When I slide back into the booth my eyes glance over at the now cold half-eaten plate of pancakes. I know my baby well enough to know she won’t touch them unless they were heated up again so I pull the tray in front of me and force myself to eat every bite of the cold, sticky food. The bag of apple slices dipped in peanut butter will make a perfect snack later for Chloe so I slide them into my purse and get back to scanning the want ads for some kind of job I could do.
We managed to stay put in that restaurant for almost three hours before Chloe just became too restless to stay any longer. I load her up and with my spare takeout coffee cup in my bag, drive around the town we’ve landed in. It’s full of charming views and quaint homes until we drive into a different kind of neighborhood that has huge mansions and estates behind fancy gates. We ooh and awe over them and finally find a waterfront park where I can park and we can get out and stretch our legs again. The sun is out but there’s still a cool breeze coming off the water so I bundle us up and let Chloe run along the shore and throw rocks into the water. After she slows down, we search the beach for pretty rocks and manage to find six that meet her high standards to keep.
We’re walking back to where the car is parked when two things happen that freeze the blood in my veins. The first is when a very large man with a huge dog comes very close to us as he jogs past. The dark wrap around shades he wears doesn’t disguise that he’s looking at us as his steps slow. He has shoulder length brown hair that’s wind tossed and has streaks of gold in it and a full beard. The tight long sleeve t-shirt he’s wearing clings to large muscular arms and a broad, defined chest. Chloe treats him to a big smile and wave of her mitten hand causing one corner of his full lips to quirk up. The German shepherd walking beside him immediately turns our way with a lolling tongue. The man is huge compared to my slight five-foot-four frame and I’m immediately intimidated by how much harm those muscles could do to me and my baby. I look past him to judge how far we are to the car if we have to run and a choked gasp escapes me at seeing a police car slowly come to a stop behind my parked car.
Oh God, oh God, twelve hours. We were free for a whole twelve hours before he sent the police to take us back! I can’t, I can’t go back. He’ll kill me for leaving and taking Chloe! I squeeze her arm tighter, ready to turn and bolt when the giant of a man steps in front of me and blocks my view of the police car. I don’t even realize that I’m gasping in panic until he pulls his shades off, revealing icy-blue, concerned eyes, and leans down.
“Miss? Are you alright?”
My head is doing this tiny shake as I start stepping back, dragging Chloe with me, causing the dog who’s plopped down in front of her to whine. I have to run. I can’t go back. WE can’t go back! I’m in a full-blown flight or fight panic except there’s no fight in me just flight. Dark spots start crowding out my vision and Chloe’s starting to pull away from my too tight fingers when the man in front of me brings his big hands together in front of me in a hard clap. The motion and the noise is enough to jar me from the thoughts screaming in my head to run but also has me flinching back.
“Whoa! Whoa, there, Miss. It’s ok, no one’s going to hurt you, I promise! You’re having a panic attack. You need to slow your breathing…just look here…focus on my eyes and breathe.” He tells me in a deep, rumbling calming tone.
He’s so freaking big but right here, staring into his eyes, I feel the fear I had for him leaving me as I match my breathing to his exaggerated ones. Movement behind him has me tensing right back up again until I see the police car continue on its way further down the parking lot. I wave of relief gushes out with my next breath causing him to turn his head to see what caught my attention. I drop my hand from Chloe’s arm so I can lean over and brace them on my knees as my body goes weak. My dark sunglasses slide off and hit the sand as I close my eyes to try and get my balance back.
“Mommy? Mommy, are you okay? Did you get another owie?” Chloe asks sadly as she pats my face. One more deep breath and I push off my knees to stand upright. I give her the best reassuring smile I can manage.
