“Stop this! I’m through putting up with this bullshit!” He points his finger at my chest, his face beet red, and thick veins bulge from his neck. Even a large one appears in the middle of his forehead. “Drop it, Holt. I’m warning you, or else it’ll fucking kill you.”
The blood drains from my face and I squeeze my hand into a tight fist inside my pocket. I watch him leave us and walk back toward his car. He slips into the back seat, and within seconds, he’s gone.
“We come here once a month to honor Mom,” Julianna says beside me. “Is it really that hard for you to not press him about this when we’re here?”
“Yes.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“I just want you to let this go,” she begs, her voice strained.
“I want to let this go, too. You know that right?”
There are tears in my sister’s eyes. Her brown hair blows in the wind. It sticks to her cheeks, but she tucks the strands behind her ear. Tightening her coat, she wraps her arms around herself, then turns to face our mother’s grave. She drags her toe gently across the ground, staring at it blankly.
“How’s Selene?” she asks.
I’m shocked by her question.
She lifts her head up. “I talked with her about you last week. She told me about your date.”
My stomach bubbles with nerves. I hate talking relationships with my sister because her trust in me has eroded over the years. I’ve shoved the sting of her distrust of me aside for so long. But with Selene, it’s different. Everything about Selene is different. I haven’t realized until this moment how much I long for my sister’s approval. I usually couldn’t give a shit about her opinion, but I know hers is the one that matters most.
If only Julianna knew how desperately I’ve wanted Selene over the years. How I’ve secretly pined over her in secret.
“Julianna…” I start, but she cuts me off.
Her once-frustrated gaze has now shifted to one of acceptance. Soft and kind eyes like our mother’s stare up at me. “I gave her my approval if that’s what you’re worried about. Not that either of you need it. But she did tell me you’re only dating her for the good publicity. I’ve seen the photos and videos of the two of you all over social media. It appears to be working, so great job.”
I open my mouth to explain, but she stops me again.
“I know that isn’t why you’re doing this with her, though.” Her bottom lip wobbles, and she inhales a deep breath.
It’s been too long since I’ve talked to my sister since that day she was in my office. We argued then, and we’ve given each other space, but I still feel like there’s this distance between us. We lost a piece of ourselves the night our mother died, and we’ve never gained it back. We haven’t been the same, and I’ve been left longing for what we lost.
“I can tell there’s more to what you feel for her. Did you propose the fake dating idea because Treena suggested it? Or did you do it because you know Selene doesn’t date, and you thought it would bring you closer? It was a way for you to show her the man you can be without scaring her off, wasn’t it?”
Her line of questioning practically knocksme off my feet. My sister and I may not be as close as we used to be, but she still has the ability to see me in ways others don’t.
“Tell me I’m wrong, Holt.”
“I can’t.”
She nods, licking her lips. She avoids looking at me, coming to terms with my answer. “I knew it. But I’m telling you, Holt, Selene doesn’t love easily. She’s been through shit you can’t understand. She may not ever be able to give you what you want. Just keep that in mind.”
I think back to the other night when we were lying in my bed and she told me she couldn’t sleep. She’d had a nightmare. I was never able to ask her why and haven’t dared to ask her since. Selene is a walking vault full of secrets. But I know she only does it to guard that massive heart of hers. I’m hoping the more time we spend together, the more she’ll open up to me. I often wonder what happened in her past to make her believe love isn’t and can’t be real.
There are times I see her softening, giving into the feelings she gets when we’re together. She wouldn’t have slept with me if she didn’t feel at least the slightest fraction ofsomethingfor me. But then in other moments, she’s pulling away from me, slipping back into the role of being my fake girlfriend.
I can’t find it in myself to give up on her or this thing we’ve built yet. I need more. More touches. More kisses. More of showing her the man I truly am, not the one the papers or media believes me to be.
“I can’t help it. I’m falling for her, Jules.” It’s a relief being this honest, saying the words out loud. “Fuck, I take that back. I already have fallen for her. A long time ago.”
“I believe you. It’s hard for me to trust you but, somehow, I believe what you’re saying.” She tips her head to the side, narrowing her eyes. “Just… just be gentle with her.”
“I’m sorry, I’m confused.” I blink, thinking back to the nightof the auction. “You told me to stay away from her, and I didn’t listen, but instead of ripping me apart as usual, you’re suddenly okay with it?”
Julianna turns her back on me, not answering my question. She stares at the city in the distance. We stand in silence.
I’m staring at my mother’s headstone, thinking about Selene and what she told me last night. She doesn’t believe in love. Not in the real world, anyway. But what do I do when I know I’m in love with her? How can I tell her without it making her want to run away?
