Prologue
Ask any musician and they will share, in no uncertain terms, the number one rule to follow on a tour bus. Even the greenest rookie will tell you:
The #1 rule is no #2 in the tour bus bathroom. Ever.
No exceptions.
Avi Wolfson and the rest of Painted Doors — band and crew — heeded this touring commandment as if it had been handed down by Moses himself, ever since the band formed six years ago. Even after the Great Backstage BBQ Catering Incident of 2019. The rest of the guys swore to start keeping kosher like their lead singer after everyone except Avi had had to “hot bag” it (don’t ask) from Memphis to Nashville.
In no particular order, other rules were designed for your safety (always sleep with your feet facing the front of the bunk) and your own good (never pass out in the front lounge) and came as second nature for a guy like Avi.
Until one cold-as-balls day in Middleofthefuck Ohio at 4:45 a.m., as Avi watched the tour bus’s taillights recede in the distance, he realized he had broken a big one.
Don’t get left behind.
Chapter One
Twelve hours earlier
If Avi had to sit on the tour bus one minute longer, he was going to lose his damn mind.
“This is ridiculous. The hotel door isrightthere.”
He could see it through the tinted bus window – there was even a ridiculous red carpet leading up to it from the curb they were currently parked against. It would take him twenty paces at most. Fifteen if he was quick about it.
“Security says we wait. So we wait.” Buck put on his tour manager’s face, which meant swapping out his usual bulldog scowl for a deeper grimace and an accusing eyebrow in Avi’s direction. “Not my fault you couldn’t keep it in your pants in Vegas.”
The entourage in the seats behind him – band and crew totaling twelve – erupted in laughter.
“The joke is getting stale now, guys. Enough already.”
“That’s what she said!” Paul roared.
Leave it to the drummer to throw a rimshot.Avi hated them all at that moment, hated that he had ever wanted to be in a band in the first place. Fame and fortune could suck it.
Careful what you wish for, Avigdor.
He had barely spoken to his father in seven years. The man had a lot of nerve to try and take up precious real estate in Avi’s brain.
“We got you, bro.” Vic, the ever-steady backbone of the band as bassist, also tended to be the peacekeeper on tour. “Buck, let us be the sacrificial lambs…decoys for the big bad Wolf.” Jordy and Nate nodded in agreement, already grabbing their bags.
Lambs…ha.More like wolves in sheep’s clothing. The twin musicians shared more than just DNA. Each had a girl or two between them in just about every port. And the road crew was just as bad, dangling afterparty passes like carrots to the hangers-on backstage.
At least Vic, as the only married one in the bunch, knew just how far he could let his ego be stroked before the groupies started reaching for other parts of him. Then, like Avi, he’d make himself scarce.
“Alright, alright. Vic, you’re the welcome committee. You and you. Stay out of the bar.” Nate and Jordy saluted Buck. “Paul, check everyone in.”
Magic words. The motley assortment of road crew leaped to their feet behind the band and also flooded the aisle. No doubt eager to find a real bathroom or a real cup of coffee inside the hotel. Avi was dreaming of an actual bed, not a bunk coffin. A door that locked instead of a curtain. After three long months on the road, he wanted to look out a window and not see –
“Wolfson. You stay.”
Fuck.
He accepted the fist-bumps of consolation from the sound and lighting guys and met the high-five of his guitar tech, Tobin, as each man passed him on their way to freedom.
It’s four-thirty on a weekday afternoon in a working-class Ohio city. Who the hell would be hanging out in the cold for hours just waiting for a glimpse?
A high-pitched shriek set off aftershocks from all directions. In front of the bus, behind it. Fists pounded on the street side of the bus. Joe, their driver, knew the drill. Pulling the lever to slam the door shut behind the ass of the last crew member, he sealed himself in with the other two people left on board: Avi and Buck.
