JINGLE BALLS
“JINGLE HIS BALLS! JINGLES HIS BALLS! JINGLE THEM ALLLL THE WAYYYYYY! OH WHAT FUUUUN IT IS TO FUCK IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEEEEIIIGGGHH!—HEY, YOU JERK, WHAT THE HELL?! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT’S HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! FUCKING TWO-BIT REDNECK HILLBILLY! I HOPE YOUR SKIN DRIES OUT AND YOUR DICK FALLS OFF!!— hm, hm, hm, hm, hmmmm badadum DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMM! And a MIIIDDLE FINGER FOR YOUUUUU!”
Close call with the gun rack wielding, camo-bedecked F150 aside, Felix was in a delightful mood. He refused to let his holiday spirit be dampened by idiot drivers, and ‘Jingle His Balls’ was thoroughly lodged in his head thanks to his sister.
Their annual ‘Holiday Song Rewrites: Wrong Answers Only!’ competition had started a few weeks prior with a stirring rendition of “Oh Hole-y Wipes”. It had taken three weeks for Felix to get that out of his brain, and while “Jingle His Balls” wasn’t exactlyclever, it was definitely an earworm.
The cat shifter sighed, muttering under his breath as his phone chose that moment to refuse to play any music whatsoever, thanks to a sudden dip in cell service. He was relegated to listening tothe radiolike apeasant.Punching buttons randomly, were-cat found himself bouncing in his seat with glee as Mariah suddenly belted out from a local radio station.
“YAAAAS, girl! SING IT!”
He slapped the steering wheel in time to the song, his single teardrop earring swaying as he bopped along.
The forest-green Subaru he drove hummed merrily down the road, engine fully warmed up after the last two+ hours navigating their way out of Friday evening rush-hour city traffic. Felix hadn’t intended to leave during rush hour, but his shift had run late; the perils of working at the ER. He hadn’t even had a chance to shower & change before leaving, though he had at least slipped into some clean scrubs so he wouldn’t be carrying the entire hospital into the car with him.
Felix wassoready for a weekend off.
Fantasies about five-star dining, crackling fireplaces, and getting well & truly fucked danced through his head as he drove.
He couldn’t wait to see Evan.
Their relationship had had some tensions lately, but Felix was optomistic that this long weekend with one another would give them a chance to properly reconnect. Felix knew Evan disliked his heavy work schedule at the hospital, which was why Felix had made an extra-special effort to makesurehe got the entire weekend, plustwo extra daysoff for their mini vacation.
He mentally ran down the list of all the romantic winter things he wanted to try and do while they were together. The website for the bed & breakfast had listed sleigh rides and Felix couldn’t remember the last time he’d done something so deliberately kitchy.
It excited him. Helovedthe holidays.
Despite already vibrating slightly from a mild overdose of caffeine, Felix considered getting another as he pulled in to refill his gas tank. He was coming off of a 24 hour shift and had been up for about 18 hours of it so far. He was used to it, so the tired hadn’t fully hit him yet, but it was dark, he was driving, and he knew the statistics. He’d rather be hopped up on caffeine and crash hard (into bed, not a ditch) that night, even if it meant no nooky until the morning.
Exiting the little convenience store a few minutes later, he sipped at the surprisingly not-so-terrible gas station coffee and realized the truck that had almost run him off the road was parked next him around the corner from the entrance.
“Oh-ho-hooooo! A merry fucking holiday to ME!”
Felix purred in anticipation as he dove into his car, scrambling for the glove box. A pile of bumper stickers flew out and he sorted through them quickly, grinning with feral menace as he found the ones he wanted.
I DRIVE LIKE A JERKWADandNOT BIG ENOUGH TO COMPENSATE FOR MY TINY PENISwere slapped quickly onto the tailgate & then Felix left, absolutely cackling at the karmic retribution.
As he got back on the road, Nat King Kole joined him on the radio, and the two of them continued the trip, singing together about roasted chestnuts.
Another two hours later and Felix got off the highway to find himself at a literal crossroads. Jericho to the left, Zuchini Springs to the right, and an unnamed road directly in front.
“Oh boy! A creepy, unnamed road to an unlabeled destination!” Felix glanced at his GPS which had mostly hung in there through the drive up out of the city & into the mountains. He’d passed Woods Bottom an hour ago & knew they were well & truly into The Sticks.
“What do you think Clawson? Follow the creepy trees?”
His crocheted amigurumi cat-panion stared at him with comically oversized googly-eyes from the dashboard. His sister had made it for him a few years back when he’d been commuting over an hour every day. He’d kept Clawson Daily with him eversince, even transferring the little creature over when he’d traded in his Honda for the Subaru.
Clawson only stared at him, pink blep tongue & bug-eyed expression giving nothing away.
“Yeah, yeah, I know, don’t second-guess that GPS. Fine, fine! But if we get axe-murdered, I want it noted that you’re at least 50% responsible for this terrible decision!”
The dash-cat remained silent, though his googly eyed stare clearly informed Felix that the little critter thought the cat shifter was a chicken-shit and that he should just get on with it. The radio chose that moment to switch to Cher’s holiday album, so Felix took courage in her dulcet tones and hit the gas.
Twenty minutes and a fresh radio dead-zone later, Felix was starting to think maybe he needed to turn around and head to Jericho for the night. Or see if he could maybe ask someone there for directions.
“Where the fuck even IS this place?” he muttered.
A sharp S-curve forced him to slow down almost to a crawl, which was lucky since a deer chose that moment to go bounding across the road right in front of his car.
