“I don’t want him to have to choose.”
“I know. And he knows that too. You said he was very understanding.”
I nodded, squeezing my fingertips. For some reason, it made me feel better. “I wish I was there,” I mumbled. “I wish I was brave enough to go with him.”
Mom frowned. “It’s not about bravery, darling.”
“If I was braver?—”
“No. It’s not bravery,” she said, firmer this time. “It’s about knowing your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with, and I’m certain Winter understands that.”
“I want to try, Mom,” I said, feeling the urge to cry. I hated crying. I hated how out of control it made me feel. “I want to. I want to try. I want to be braver. I want to go out with him, meet his friends, have dinner. I want to be able to do those things. I don’t want to be like this.” I blinked back tears and my nose burned. “I want to hold his hand. I can’t even hold his hand.”
Mom put her hand on my sleeve, just a soft pat. “Then you’re going to have to do things that you might not be comfortable with at first. Small steps. A few little things at first.”
“Such as?”
“You’re seeing him tomorrowevening, yes?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’m helping him at the store for late-night shopping.”
“Why don’t you suggest going to the diner afterwards? Or take a walk up Main Street. I’m sure the Christmas lights will make it pretty and a little bit romantic. And work up to holding his hand, get used to it slowly.”
“He touched my arm the other night. He asked if he could, just like this—” I showed her on my own arm how Winter had done it. “—and I said yes, and it was okay. Better than okay. I felt it long after he’d gone.”
“That’s great,” Mom said. “A small step already.”
“It’s what he does. He touches people’s arms when he talks to them. He doesn’t mean anything by it. It’s just who he is, and I want him to be himself, not censor himself around me. And I liked it. When he did it. I liked how it felt.”
She smiled at me. “You know what I think?”
I shook my head, because how could I possibly know? “No.”
“I think you’re taking all these small steps without even realizing it. And I think you don’t realize how far you’ve already come, Deacon.” Her smile was warm and even a little proud. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for not being at the finish line yet. You’ll get there, sweetheart. I know you will. When you set your mind on something, you make it happen. So there might be a few stumbles on the way. That’s no big deal. We all stumble at different times, and no one is perfect. Just remember, all journeys of a thousand miles start with a single step.”
“Lao Tzu.”
“He was a wise man.”
I nodded and with a deep breath in and a slow exhale, I realized how much better I felt. “Thank you. I get caught up in my head.”
“I know you do, darling. And you’re going to wear out the floorboards if you keep pacing.” She winked and gave me a smile. “Talk to Winter. He’ll understand, I’m sure of it.”
I’m sure he would too.
“Tomorrow,” I said quietly.
“And you can always talk to me or your dad,” she offered. “Don’t keep things bottled up, Deacon. It doesn’t do anyone any good.”
“I know. I just...” I sighed. “I just wish I... I know rationally how I should proceed and what I should do, but anything to do with him and my mind doesn’t work properly. When you say take small steps it makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I can’t realize that on my own.”
She sighed and patted my arm again. “Let me tell you something. Your dad was exactly the same when he was your age.”
That stopped me. “He was?”
“Absolutely. When we were first dating, he’d get all these grand ideas and want to do every single thing all at once, and I’d have to remind him to stop and focus. Otherwise I’m sure he’d never have finished veterinarian school if I didn’t help him stay on track. He used to say I’d point out what may have been obvious to everyone else, but it wasn’t to him.”
“He did?”
