Winter’s face was one of shock. “Oh, Deacon, I’m so sorry. He shouldn’t have done that. That’s not acceptable behavior.”
“He said later he just thought I was shy. He didn’t know I was...” My tummy ache was back. “He thought I liked him, so he was...” I made a face. “There were a lot of people kissing at that party and he thought that’s what I was there for.”
“I remember those college parties,” he said gently. “I only went to one. I left early and never went to another one.”
“I did like him, but not after that,” I admitted. My face felt like it was burning. “I do like guys. I’m gay. But I... I have never...”
He smiled and chased my gaze until I looked at him. “I like guys too. I’m gay as well. But I’m asexual. I don’t want?—”
“Asexual?” I asked, stunned. I looked him up and down, so confused. “How?”
He wasn’t smiling now, and I knew I’d said the wrong thing. Like I often did. But I was still so stunned. How was it possible?
“What do you mean how?” he asked. He took a step back, his face sad. “I thought you’d understand. I’m sorry if you think there’s something wrong with that.”
Wrong with it?
“It’s not wrong,” I replied. I’d hurt his feelings, I could see that, and it was the last thing I’d wanted to do. I quickly clarified. “It’s just not that common in the animal kingdom, and certainly not common in vertebrates. Well, there are Komodo dragons, of course, and certain sharks. I’ve read about it in my studies. The ability to reproduce through parthenogenesis?—”
“Wait, what?” He stared at me, eyes wide. Then he realized something and waved his hands and let out a laugh. “Oh. Oh. Not that kind of asexual. Not asexual reproduction or biology. That’s not... that’s not what I meant. I forgot you’re a vet. Of course your mind would go there.”
Well, now I was just straight up confused. “What?”
“Asexual, as in doesn’t experience sexual attraction or sexual feelings. That’s what I meant. I’ve never experienced sexual desire.”
I stared at him, my cheeks burning. “Oh. I’m . . . I’m not familiar with that . . .”
But he was smiling again, thank goodness. “That’s okay. It just means that while I feel a romantic attraction to guys, I have no desire to have sex with them. I’ve never looked at anyone and thought, ‘Gee, I’d like to have sex with them.’”
Oh.
Oh my . . .
I thought my face might actually catch fire. “Sex.” I shook my head. “That’s... That’s...”
I was so mortified, I couldn’t even get a sentence out.
Winter chuckled. “It’s okay, Deacon. Does that embarrass you? I’m sorry.”
I was so conflicted. I needed this conversation to end, but I didn’t want to leave. Tonight had been a roller coaster, but it also felt as if I’d taken a big step forward.
I looked at the boxes still yet to be unpacked. “We have more cataloging to do. We should do that.” I checked my watch. “We’ve already wasted a lot of time.”
Winter nodded, but he was smiling as if me not running out of there made him happy. “Good idea.”
I tried to relax, the cataloging, the inventory, the repetitiveness was methodical for me. Yet I kept thinking about what he’d said.
He was asexual, but not in the biological sense. I’d definitely have to read up on that so I could better understand.
He said it meant he didn’t feel sexual attraction.
I wasn’t entirely sure what that was either. I knew what the textbook definition would say, but had I ever experienced that? I wasn’t sure.
I didn’t want to have sex with anyone.
I didn’t want them to touch me.
I knew sex was supposed to feel good. I knew when I touched myself, it felt good. I could do that well enough. Not that I did that often.
