His eyes darted to mine for a brief moment before he looked away again, and he nodded. “Yes. Exactly.” Then he made a face, uncomfortable and pained. His face went a bit red, and he began to fidget.
“Deacon,” I said softly. “Are you okay?”
He shifted his weight and licked his lips. “I’d like to go home now.”
“Of course,” I said. “Want me to walk you to your car?”
He blinked a few times. “No, I’m fine.”
He didn’t seem fine.
I wanted to go to him, to put my hand on his arm, to reassure him, but we hadn’t discussed boundaries yet. “Well, I do appreciate you helping me tonight. And I’m happy you’re my friend.”
He smiled shyly then, giving me a quick glance before nodding. “I’m happy too.”
“Will I see you tomorrow at seven?”
He gave a nod. “Yes.” He put his coat on and stood at the door. “It’s cold out. Don’t forget to wear your scarf.”
I grinned at him. “I won’t.”
He ducked his head and went out the door, the bell chiming in the silence. I stood there, smiling at the door for a long moment, then remembered I had Merry and Bright at home who would no doubt be wanting another feed soon. Ro had said she’d do it, but they weren’t her responsibility.
I turned everything off and locked up, looked around one more time at just how much Deacon and I got done together, and smiled all the way home.
Ro was up, of course, waiting for me in the kitchen, mugs of hot chocolate steaming. The little monsters weren’t meowing for me yet, but it wouldn’t be long. “I just made these, so they’re hot,” she said. “And Merry and Bright are still asleep.”
I all but fell into the seat next to her.
“So?” she asked, excited. “How did it go?”
I didn’t need to ask to whom she was referring. I sighed. “I don’t know, he’s...”
She studied me for a long moment, and when I didn’t continue, she prompted me. “He’s what? Cute? Sweet? Thoughtful?”
I met her gaze. “Yes. He’s all those things.” I let my head fall back with a groan. “He used the f-word.”
Her brow furrowed. “He swore? He doesn’t seem the type. But just so you know, the use of profanity has been used in society for thousands of years?—”
I snorted. “No. Not that f-word. He used thebadf-word. I don’t care if he cusses, gawd. Friend. He said he wanted us to be friends.”
“Oh.”
Yeah. Oh.
“I thought you didn’t . . .”
I looked at her.
“Oh.”
I groaned. “I thought I wanted that. I thought that was all I wanted. Until he said it. Then I realized maybe it wasn’t.” I looked at her then. “Every reasonable and logical part of my brain says no. I don’t have time for this. I don’t want or need the complication. I don’t want to disappoint him, and I don’t want to be disappointed. I’m sick of feeling like crap for not wanting a sex life. I shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“You shouldn’t,” she said quietly, her hand sliding over mine. “Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. And if he just wants to be friends, well, then...”
I waited for her to finish imparting some beacon of wisdom that would make me feel instantly better. But nope. All she could offer was a grimace and a shrug. “I’m sorry it’s not what you wanted.”
I sighed again, long and loud. “We got a lot of work done. It’s so easy to be with him. We just click, I don’t know.” I ran my hand through my hair. “And I don’t have time for anything else right now. Finding a friend so fast is a good thing, right? So I don’t know why I feel this way.”
