“It’s when they move into the headfirst position, before birth. They basically do a somersault in your belly. And this kiddo was late doing it, so he’s a bit bigger than the last two.”
“Shit,”Kenji muttered, wide-eyed.
Alex drew in another deep breath and released it. “I get dizzy and a bit nauseous when it happens, but it passes after a couple of minutes.”
“Does this mean you’re close to giving birth?”
“I’m not due for a few more weeks, but who knows? Zaadi turned earlier than the other two, and I had almost two full months before she was born. Aeloran arrived a week after he turned, but he was also a bit of a preemie.” Alex chuckled. “So, a week to two months is my best guess. It better be sooner.”
“I think I’d want to avoid the pain for as long as possible,” Kenji said.
“I’m ready to have my body back,” Alex said. He smiled. “And to see their little face.”
“Did it hurt more or less than you thought it would?”
“I won’t lie—childbirth is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced,” Alex said.
Kenji cringed. “That doesn’t sell it very well.”
“That pain gave me my greatest joys, too. You can’t really understand parenthood until you hold your baby in your arms the first time and suddenly you have this little life that’s more important than your own.” Alex smiled. “I’ve gotten a chance to live again through them. I see the universe and its wonders through their eyes. There are times it’s felt like I’m experiencing something for the first time, too, because of them. Awe in the simple things I’ve taken for granted most of my life.” Alex’s eyes shone with tears. “They are my heart and soul… with Cryss’s smile.”
“I wish I’d had a parent like you,” Kenji whispered, holding back tears of his own. “Instead of what I got. I spent my young life bouncing between foster homes and centers.”
“I’m so sorry,” Alex said. “I didn’t know.”
“If she’d realized she wasn’t in any condition to have a kid, she should’ve made the same decision I am.”
“Do you fear repeating her mistakes with your own children?”
Kenji’s gaze whipped to Alex’s. “I suppose.”
Was that why he feared having Qylar’s eggs? Fear of not being able to be there for his kids—just as his mom hadn’t been there for him?
“My mom’s nowhere near perfect,” Alex said. “We’ve had our ins and outs over the years, mostly due to her lackluster support of my homosexuality when I was growing up. One of my biggest fears is unconsciously turning into her and hurting them like she hurt me.”
Kenji winced. “I can understand that fear.”
“But then I remind myself that I already know exactly whatnotto do thanks to her,” Alex said. “When I face big things with them, I’m going to imagine how she might’ve responded—and then do the exact opposite.”
Kenji laughed. “That’s a good plan.”
“We can use our pain to prevent it in others instead of letting the cycle repeat. It just needs to be a conscious choice to try and be better every day. I’ve committed myself to trying.” Alex chuckled. “And I remind myself that I’m not perfect either. I’m going to fuck up on occasion—and as long as I own up to it and apologize, I deserve a little grace.”
“But what if we fuck up too many times, no matter how hard we try? I’ve never really had a mom or dad, only a series of people who did the bare minimum for the paycheck. It’s one thing to try and be better, but when you’re starting from the basement, your best still might not be enough.”
“For some, it can be instinctual. Like Qylar. His parents were monsters yet look at him with Ael and Zaadi. They’re not even his and he treats them like gold. When he gets his own? They’ll get even better.”
“And what if it isn’t instinctual? What if he’s the perfect parent and I’m the shit one?”
“I sense that won’t happen,” Alex said. “Now that you’re living next door, you’ll soon have three little ones to practice with. After a while maybe that’ll make you more confident and help you decide when you might be ready to start a family. Or not. Not everyone in the world wants to be a parent. Choosing not to have kids is as valid a choice as any other.”
“But Qylar wants children. It wouldn’t be fair for him to stick around if I didn’t want to have any.”
Alex sighed softly. “That’s a decision you’ll have to decide together. After you’ve had time to think about it.”
Kenji drew in a deep breath and released it. A calm, comfortable breeze off the ocean ruffled his hair.
“I don’t know if I want to go to the appointment tomorrow,” Kenji said after a few seconds of sitting in silence.
