“Can I clean my room?” Lily asks. “I want it to be nice if he sees it.”
“You want to clean your room? Without me asking?”
“It’s important.” She’s already heading down the hall. “First impressions matter.”
First impressions. She’s already had hers, and it was good enough that she wants to make another one. Wants him to think well of her, of us.
I follow her down the hall and watch from her doorway as she straightens her desk, arranges her books, makes her bed with more care than usual. She’s humming something, happy and focused.
“You really like him,” I say.
She pauses, considering. “He listens. And he didn’t laugh when I asked if guitars have feelings.”
“Do they?”
“He said musicians think they do. That each one has its own personality.”
Of course he said that. Of course he took her question seriously and gave her a real answer.
“Mom?” She smooths out her comforter. “Is he your boyfriend?”
The question catches me off guard. “No. He’s a friend.”
“But he could be. Your boyfriend, I mean.”
“Why do you think that?”
She shrugs, arranging her stuffed animals on her pillow. “You acted differently around him. Good different.”
“How did I act?”
“Like yourself, but more.” She frowns, searching for words. “Like when you’re really into a book and you forget I’m there, but in a good way. You’re just . . . you.”
Sometimes she sees too much. Understands too much.
“Would that be okay with you?” I ask carefully. “If he was more than a friend?”
She thinks about it. Really considers the question. “Would he be around more?”
“Maybe.”
“Would he teach me guitar?”
“Probably.”
“Would you be happy?”
The question hits somewhere deep. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Then okay.” Simple as that. “As long as he’s nice to you. And me. But mostly you.”
I cross the room and pull her into a hug. She tolerates it for about three seconds before squirming away.
“Mom, I need to finish cleaning.”
“Right. Sorry. Carry on.”
I leave her to her preparations and head to my own room. If we’re doing this, if I’m really letting him into our space, our life, I should probably change out of my pajamas.
