Clearing his throat, he did.“I was gonna say we should talk about it.What happened.”
He didn’t elaborate.She knew.They’d both shied away from the subject ever since that first meeting.It was time to change that.
Bethany nodded, taking a swig of her beer before asking the question he knew was coming.“Why didn’t you say anything?”
He didn’t have a good answer.Not really.While he hadn’t planned on telling her, it didn’t mean he never regretted it.
Blowing out a long breath, his hand rubbed the back of his neck.“I...I knew you’d want to stay, B.And I couldn’t do that to you.I was already the reason you deferred a year, waiting for me to get my shit together and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.I just...I couldn’t stand the idea of holding you back any longer.”
His head may have been fucked at the time, but he still loved her.So fucking much.Enough to put her first.And that’s what he thought he was doing.
Bethany’s head shook.“No.”
“No?”he asked when she didn’t elaborate.
“No.That’s not what we had.That’s not what we were.”His chest squeezed at all the pain she was making no attempt to cover.“We told each other everything, Benny.Everything.Try again.”
What was he supposed to say to that?
Try again, maybe?
Shit.He let his hand scrub over his face.Letting the silence between them grow thicker as his mind raced.
“I was scared.”His voice was as raw as the admission.
It may not be an explanation, but it was the truth.
Bethany’s eyes were on him.Searching.He could practically see her holding her breath as she waited patiently for him to go on.So he did.
“There were so many unknowns.What stage the cancer was.If it had spread.What her treatment options would be.”He felt exposed as she stared into him.“I thought she was going to fucking die.”
While her features softened, the heaviness in the air clung to his lungs.
“I should have told you.You were my person and fuck...I needed you.I did.I know that.”He let out a heavy sigh.“But I just...I was barely surviving.I was on autopilot.Trying my best to get through every day without falling apart.”
“So, us breaking up...me.I was one less thing in your life for you to worry about?”He watched her gaze drop back to the bottle label as her throat bobbed.
“No.Jesus.No, B.No fucking way.”How could she even think that?“Are you seriously trying to tell me you’d have gone off to school after I told you what was going on with my mom?”
He knew the answer.They both did.She didn’t have to say it.Which is why when their eyes met again, he continued.
“I thought I was doing the right thing.Letting you go.Knowing you were doing what you were supposed to be doing...it was the only thing that kept me sane.Made losing you worth it.”
Damnit.It wasn’t worth it though, was it?Allowing his head to fall into his hands he tried to catch his breath.Memories coming thick and fast.He tried so hard to be strong for his mom, but between appointments, he unraveled.Spiraled.He smoked too much.Drank more than was healthy.Spent way too much time alone.His world was upside down and the one person he wanted to talk about it with—he’d pushed away.God only knows what would have happened to him if he hadn’t joined the fire department when he did.It saved him.Gave him focus.A purpose.And best of all, something else to think about.
He faintly heard Bethany sink into the cushions next to him.Her soft hands wrapping around his face, coaxing his gaze to hers.“Hey.You’re right.”
“I am?”
“I would have stayed.”Her words were quiet but no less impactful.“No matter how hard you tried to convince me not to,I would have stayed.”Benny’s knuckles went to her cheek, where he trailed them over the apple and down to her jaw.“I’m really fucking stubborn.”
“Yeah, you are.”He felt his lips tip up as he dragged his knuckles back up over silky skin.“My girl is stubborn as hell.”
And shewashis girl.Time hadn’t changed that.He knew that now.All time had done was make him impatient.He was sick of waiting.Ten damn years.Waiting for her to return to Woodvalley, even just for a visit.Hoping she’d call, enough that he’d never changed his number.And, of course, avoiding any kind of relationship because no one washer.
Jesus Christ I’m pathetic.
“Okay,” she said out of nowhere.
