“I don’t feel like leaving,” I mumble into my pillow. The urge to even get out of bed hasn’t hit me. Sometimes, I like to just lounge around in my bed. It’s comfortable and soft. I do exercise everyday inside my room so it’s not like I never move around. But right now, my bed is the safest place I can be.
“I understand that. But it will be good for you. We don’t have to go outside and garden. We can stay inside. Watch a movie together. But it would be good for you to get out.”
“I don’t know…”
“Katya, I know you want more than your room. You have to want more.”
“I don’t have to want anything,” I snap. Sometimes Sofiya is too pushy for my liking. Why can’t I just be left alone to live the life I want to live?
She raises her hands in surrender. “You’re right. You don’t. But it would be good for you and you know it. Don’t act like you’re completely happy. We both know you’re not.”
“You don’t know what I’m feeling, Sofiya.”
“I know what it’s like to be kept sheltered all my life. My dad did it to me. He made it so I was never allowed to date. I also had stuffed animals on my bed until I was twenty-one, just like you. Because I wasn’t allowed to grow up. And then my father threw me to the wolves. He married me to Dimitri and I was just expected to grow up within a matter of days. Hours even. I remember how frustrated I was.”
“Dimitri isn’t keeping me from anything.”
“Are you sure about that? I know he’s been encouraging you to leave your room. But he’s also the reason you’re in this room in the first place. He likes knowing you’re in here because you’re safe in here. He’ll never fully let you grow up. If you remain in here, he’ll be content to just let you stay. So you have to fight it. If you want to become a woman, Katya, you have to leave this room. You have to fight for what you want.”
Her words are tempting. It creates a fire inside my belly that I’ve never fully felt before. I desire more. I can admit that to myself. But it’s just… easier staying inside my room. I know how scary life can be. The images of my father stabbing my mom to death still haunt me to this day. Most nights, when I close my eyes, that’s the first thing I see and it creates a constant sense of anxiety inside of me. I probably do need therapy but I can’t even get myself to leave my house, let alone my room, to see a therapist.
“So consider it,” Sofiya says.
I eye her over. “I’ll consider it if you step into my room.”
She hesitates. “Katya…”
“You’re afraid of my room. Afraid you’ll become like me. But you won’t be. So step inside. If you do that, I’ll consider leaving my room again.”
Sofiya takes in a deep breath before she nods and steps into the room. I’m impressed as she walks right up to my bed. “There. Happy?”
“Thank you.”
Her eyes soften. “I just want to help.”
“I know you do.” I take in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. “Ok. I’ll leave my room today. We can watch a movie. It would be nice to share my thoughts with another person.”
“Let’s go.”
My legs feel like cement as I step out of my room but I manage it. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Settling on the couch in the living room is not such a bad thing. It’s comfortable, like my bed is. And the living room is just the living room. I can’t be hurt in here.
Sofiya settles on a rom-com. Something light and fun. Something that won’t stir up all my past trauma. I’m grateful to her for that. I can tell she’s trying with me. I should try more in return.
“I appreciate this,” I say, midway through the movie.
She grabs the remote and pauses the TV. “I appreciate it too. It’s nice to have another person around I can talk to other than Dimitri. He’s always working. We can be friends, Katya. I want that.”
“I haven’t had a friend since I was a little girl.”
“Do you remember who that was?”
I shake my head. “Most of my life before I was eight years old is gone. I think I blocked it out. I didn’t want to remember my parents before the… the murder. So it was just easier to forget.”
“Why?” she asks gently.
“Because it hurts thinking about them both. There’s an ache deep inside of me that feels like it could kill me. So I’d rather forget.”
