I give him a pointed look. “You’re my brother. I know you. So ask away.”
“I thought you wanted to leave your room. You seemed excited to spend time with Sofiya outside, gardening.”
“I thought it would be fun,” I admit. “Finally get some fresh air.” I hadn’t been outside in years. There are no windows in my hidden room – vents yes, but windows no – so I hadn’t smelled the outside air in such a long time. It was a wonderful smell when I finally went outside but then it all became too much.
My panic had hit me so unexpectedly I hadn’t know how to handle it so Dimitri picked me up and carried me back into my room and I haven’t left it again in over a week.
“And?” he urges me to continue.
“But then my anxiety hit me. I don’t know why. It just did.”
“You were in the garden with Sofiya, planting seeds. What about that was anxiety inducing?”
“I don’t know,” I snap. He raises an eyebrow and I force myself to calm my temper down. Sometimes I get frustrated – frustrated from my anxiety, from the pitying looks Dimitri willgive me, from the desire to be an adult but also terrified of leaving my room. It all gets confusing, these emotions inside of me. I do want more out of life than just my room but I can never seem to leave it.
“Katya,” he says gently.
“Fine. I don’t know why I panicked the way I did. Just that I did. It all hit me. The outside air. Spending time with Sofiya. I just couldn’t take it and my anxiety hit me. I don’t like to leave my room, Dimitri, and I’m getting tired of you and Sofiya trying to urge me out of here. This room is where I belong. I want to stay in it.”
He sighs. “I understand. And you know I’ll always protect you. So if you want to stay in this room forever, I will to see that you’re always kept safe. But –,”
“No buts.”
“Yes. I’ve spoken with Sofiya about it. We think what’s best for you is to get out more. The more you do it, the easier it will become and hopefully in time, you won’t have a panic attack like you did.”
“Why can’t I just stay in here?” I mumble, sinking lower into my seat. My eyes find the stuffed animals on my bed. How young they look. I’m a woman now and yet, my room doesn’t reflect that fact. Despite knowing this, I can never seem to get rid of them. My stuffed animals are a form of safety just as much as my room is.
“You can. But it’s been over a week now and you still refuse to leave your room. I’m just encouraging you to get back out again. Come downstairs and have dinner with me and Sofiya. That’s all. You can handle that, can’t you?”
A dinner with Dimitri and Sofiya wouldn’t be a bad thing. It would still be inside the house, keeping me safe. Dimitri will be there and Sofiya’s presence, while annoying at times, is starting to be a comfort to me as well.
“Why didn’t Sofiya come talk to me?” I ask. “She’s always been more pushy about me leaving my room than you’ve been,”
“Because you’re my sister. It’s my job to take care of you and I’m worried I haven’t been doing a good job of it. So come have dinner with us. Please.”
I think on it for a long moment. My eyes find my stuffed animals again and the sight of them fills me with shame. I am an adult woman, not a little girl.
With a nod, I tell Dimitri that I’ll come down for dinner.
The dining room is a thing of beauty – a long dark table, soft green walls mixed with white and black. My brother has good taste. The entire house feels so sophisticated which is in stark contrast to my bedroom, where it feels like a gaudy princess paradise instead of a young woman’s room.
Sofiya stands up from the table when I enter. “Katya.” She doesn’t try to hug me for which I’m grateful. Being outside my room and hugging people is too much to handle. Her smile is warm. My sister-in-law is effortlessly pretty. Soft brown hair and kind eyes and a bohemian style way of dressing that gives her a comforting presence.
My style of clothing is much more youthful feeling. Summer dresses or loungewear, like sweat pants and t-shirts. I wish I could find my own style instead of Dimitri finding it for me. Since I never left my room growing up, he would buy my clothes for me and I just accepted it. But now seeing Sofiya, I do want to choose clothes for myself. Discover who I am as a woman instead of a little girl.
Tonight, I’m in a simple blue dress that flares out around my legs. Very youthful. Very young.
“Sofiya,” I say tentatively.
She motions to the seat across from her and I take it. Dimitri sits at the head of the table.
“It’s nice to have a dinner with all of us together,” Dimitri comments.
Our housekeeper, Ann, comes into the room, bringing plates filled with food. “I hope the food is to your liking.” She doesn’t comment on me being here. Ann is a woman who does her job and has never asked too many questions.
“Thank you, Ann,” Dimitri says.
The middle aged woman nods, making her red hair bob around her chin. “If you need anything else, let me know.”
