“Roxanne,” I rasp. “Please tell me I didn’t?—”
“You didn’t hurt me,” she says, her voice steady and calm. “You were having a nightmare.”
The cool touch of the rag is soothing, and I finally feel like I’m calming down. “You shouldn’t have come in here. I didn’t mean to scare you, Christ.”
“You don’t scare me. I was a little startled, but I realize I shouldn’t have woken you up like that. I—” She stops dabbing and brushes hair off my forehead. “I reacted when I heard you.”
She leaves for another moment to cool the washcloth down again and when she returns, she presses it to my temple. I swear it sounds like someone’s cooking an egg on me.
“You’re burning up,” she says.
“I think I—” My room suddenly feels like a tunnel, and I grasp at my chest as it tightens.
“Do you need some fresh air?” Roxanne asks.
I want to tell her to stop. To leave. But the words won’t come. My jaw’s locked and my throat feels thick.
“Can you stand?” she asks, wrapping her arm around my back.
“You don’t have to help me.”
“C’mon,” she says again.
I wrap my arm around her neck, and with a grunt, I get to my feet. We make it outside onto my deck that connects to my bedroom. The air bites sharp at first, but it’s good and grounding. Even though it’s June, the alpine chill almost never leaves the Colorado night. The sky’s ink-black and cluttered with stars. Somewhere out past the fence line, a coyote yips once, then goessilent. Jameson growls, then waddles back inside to his bed. The world feels big and small all at once.
“Breathe,” Roxanne says. “Take a deep breath. You’re okay. You’re okay now.”
I nod as she helps me into one of my lounge chairs.
“I’ll be right back.” She vanishes before I can protest and tell her she doesn’t need to stay with me. She returns with a big glass of ice water. I take it and sip slowly.
“Better?” she asks.
“Yes. Thank you.”
The swell of crickets singing is the only sound around us for a moment, and I finish off the water.
“I’ll get you more,” Roxanne says.
I reach out for her, then instantly regret taking her wrist. The flash of fear in her eyes when I woke up was almost too much for me. Whether she admits it or not, she was scared and I had caused that. That revokes my right to touch her, and I reflexively pull away. “No, thank you, you don’t have to do anything for me.”
“I know I don’t, but I don’t mind. Take some deep breaths and keep trying to cool down.”
I don’t argue. I just sit there with my hand on my chest. I feel a release as my temp drops and my breath returns to normal.
“Here.” She hands me another full glass and sits down in the chair beside me.
“Thank you and again, I’m sorry … I never wanted you to see me like that.”
Roxanne shrugs. “Well, I hadn’t planned on almost drowning in the Arkansas, having you haul me to shore, cut my clothes away, and see my horrible disfigurement, so I’d say we’re even.”
My mouth curves into a smile. “I suppose so, but I told you, you’re not disfigured.”
“Do you ever … talk about them?”
I arch an eyebrow. “Thenightmares?”
“Yeah.”
