And how can I do that when I’ve let my pride cloud every sensible judgment I have? I know I should have gone shopping before the trip and packed the right gear and clothing, but my selfish pride told me if I do that, I’ll be more tempted to put myself out there again. And it was the same pride that told Duke that I was up for rafting when we both knew I wasn’t.
I sob a little more and rack up piles of Kleenex on the bed. In truth, the more the tears flow, the better I feel because it’s less for me to hold onto inside.
Soft, familiar knocks sound at my door.
“Come in,” I say, my voice quivering.
Allie and Leo open the door and come to my bedside.
“Oh, Rox, I’m so glad you’re okay,” Allie says.
“I’m glad you’re okay, too,” I say through a sniffle.
She pulls away for a moment, and her eyes widen. “Leo, she’s … she’s crying. She’s actually crying.”
“I’m getting you some water and then I’m getting in this bed and holding you until forever,” Leo says.
They are both shocked because they have never really seen me shed a single tear for any reason.
Leo flings the comforter aside and snuggles next to me. He folds himself around me and holds me as my body quakes with more sobs. Allie lies on my other side rubbing my back and in this moment, I’m reminded that the reason I have been able to be this strong is the unwavering friendship of these two people who I love more than anything.
“I’m so proud of you, darling,” Leo says as he kisses my forehead.
I laugh and dab my eyes and nose. “What are you proud of? Was it my graceful exit of the raft or the fact that they had to tear my inappropriate clothing off on the shore?”
Leo and Allie both chuckle.
“I have been waiting for you to ugly cry for years,” Leo says.
“Me too,” Allie says. “This is real progress.”
“All that you have been through, all that you have endured, you packed up and put inside you. Now, you’re going to feel lighter, better because you don’t have these tears weighing you down.”
I lie flat on my back and Allie wraps her hand around mine. “You don’t have to carry it anymore, and anything else you do, we’re going to be here to help with the baggage.”
“And the emotional support snacks,” Leo cuts in.
“And the passive-aggressive playlist curation,” Allie adds with a wink.
“Anything,” Leo says, brushing a hand through my hair. “We’ve got you.”
And I believe them. I really believe them.
perfect fit
ROXANNE
I fell asleep after Leo,Allie, and I ate dinner in my room and watchedLegally Blonde. Peak women’s empowerment film, if you ask me. I’m not sure when they left, but when I woke up, there was a tray with fruit, a muffin, and coffee waiting for me with a note.
Get something to eat and then text us. We’re going to be doing some drone work today.
Love you,
Al and Leo
I roll out of bed and for the first time since I arrived, I peel the heavy satin drapes apart. The view doesn’t make me feel like I’ve got a weight hanging from my heart. I haven’t made peace with this land yet, but it’s progress.
I shower again and my hands flip through the clothes I’ve hung in my closet. I don’t reach for the turtleneck—I reach for jean shorts and a short-sleeve T-shirt
