Mom reached across the table to grab my hand. “I was sad when your dad left, and it took me a long time to get over that, but I did get over it. We were just kids ourselves when we had you, and your dad didn’t want the same life as I did. It devastated me when he left, but I know now that it was for the best.”
“You never talked about him, and I never brought it up because I didn’t want to make you sad,” I recalled all the times I’d seen her crying when I was supposed to be in bed. How could I have possibly asked about the person who was causing her so much pain?
“And I never brought him up because I didn’t want to upset you. Guess we both weren’t very good at communicating. But I’m your mom, and I should have talked about him more, or at least asked you if you wanted to know about him. I’m sorry.” A single tear slipped down her cheek.
I got up and pulled her into a hug. “Please don’t cry… You did a great job being both my mom and my dad. I never asked because I didn’t want to upset you, but also because screw him. Screw him for leaving you to do this all on your own.”Shit, now I was getting emotional.I did my best tohide it, but several tears worked their way out and down my face, which was now buried in my mom’s hair.
“I wouldn’t have changed a thing, Lexi bug. You’re my entire world.” We stayed like that for a few moments, and then she continued, “It was for the best, believe me.”
I pulled away and wiped my damn leaky eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I guess you’re old enough to know.” She sat back and looked at her hands in her lap, searching for her next words.
“To know what, Mom?”
“Your dad ended up taking a pretty rough road. He started drinking and doing drugs, and eventually ended up in and out of jail. I kept track of him for a while, but the last I heard, he was out west somewhere.” She took a deep breath. “He tried to come back once, but he was so fucked up, I couldn’t let him anywhere near you. That’s when we moved to the city. I didn’t want him to find us again.”
“Shit, Mom. I had no idea.”
“How could you? You were so young—I didn’t want you to think about that kind of stuff, and then, as you got older, I didn’t see the point in bringing it up. I always figured you’d ask if you wanted to know.”
I sat quietly, mulling over this new information.Did this change the way I felt about my absentee father?Not really. He still left. Knowing he chose drugs and alcohol over a relationship with me, over us, didn’t change my opinion of him.
“Do you think you’ll ever let someone in again?” I whispered.
“I have, several times, actually, but they weren’t for me. What happened with your dad was a long time ago, and it doesn’t affect me the way it did when I was younger. We were kids who thought we were in love, but I know now that’s not what it was, and I’m ready for the real thing whenever it comes along.”
All this time, I thought she was pining for my dad and closing herself off from love, but she was actually dating and putting herself out there.
“Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt again?” I asked, needing to know the answer now more than ever.
“I guess so, but it’s not going to stop me from living my life.” She grabbed my hand again. “I might get hurt again, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because I’d eventually like to find my forever partner. Life can be pretty lonely without someone to share it with.”
“You’re lonely?” My heart ached for her.
“Sometimes. But I have great friends, and I have you. Having a partner would just be the icing on my already pretty great cake.” She sat back in her chair. “I’m content with my life, Lexi. If I never find someone, that would be okay too, but if I find him, I’m going to hold on tight for as long as we have together. How’s the saying go? It’s better to have loved and lost?”
“I’m seeing a whole other side of you, Mom.”
“You really thought I spent the last twenty-some years sitting here pining for your father?”
“I thought you were trying to avoid having your heart broken again.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” She asked, catching me off guard.
“What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. I don’t think you’ve ever had a serious relationship, and you don’t really let people get close, from what I’ve noticed.” She leveled me with a serious look.
“First of all, I dated in college.”Lie. Unless you consider a string of one-night stands as dating. “Second, Daphne and I are very close, and I have friends at work.” She was touching on a very sore subject, especially now with how things were with Brandon.
“You can’t spend your whole life pushing people away.”
“And why not?” The question fell out of my mouth involuntarily. I should have protested—denied the accusation—but it was true, and lying to my mom didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.
“Oh, Lexi. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t around. I’m sorry I didn’t show you a better example of healthy relationships,” she sighed.
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You are the best mom I could’ve asked for. I love you so much.” I batted the tears away that had trickled down my face.
