“I’m glad you have enough positive thoughts for the both of us because I doubt these quacks can figure out what to give me that doesn’t make me sick.” Thelma pushed her tray back to the middle of the table, obviously not wanting to try and stomach any of the food right now.
“What brought you here?” Kendi asked. Even though she turned her attention toward she still gently rubbed the older woman's arm in an attempt to reassure her. Thelma had turned her gaze out the window, though she didn’t make a move to push Kendi's hand away like she had her tray.
“They keep telling me I tried to kill myself,” I stated, trying not to get myself annoyed at having to repeat the process of explaining what happened. It wasn’t my hallmate's fault that no one had bothered to believe me since it had happened, and the last thing I could afford to do was isolate myself from what few people I was allowed to talk to. If anyone was going to understand what I was going through, maybe it would be one of them. My fellow prisoners of the asylum would believe that I wasn’t crazy.
“What do you mean?” Kendi’s eyes dipped to the bruises around my neck. Even after several days, they hadn’t faded; “They turned a deeper shade of purple around where the belt had been wrapped around me.
“My ex-boyfriend tried to kill me. I didn’t do this,” I waved my bandaged arm up in emphasis. There was no point beating around the bush. The professionals in this place might not believe me since Craig had given a statement to both the police and EMTs while I was unconscious, but I was desperate just for anyone to listen. I had to wonder whether I had broken his nose during the altercation and whether he was able to explain it away. But then I remembered the episode the doctor had used to explain away my behavior, per what Craig had told him, the perfect cover for any evidence that I had defended myself against him.
Kendi’s eyes went wide. “He tried to kill you?”
I nodded, taking a bite of my bacon, “I’m counting two attempts from my injuries. I remember he tried to strangle me, but I wasn’t awake for the attempt on my arm.” Most of what had happened before he pushed me over the landing banister had slowly come back to me. “But the mother fucker is the one who called the ambulance. My neighbors probably heard my dog going nuts or me screaming and called someone. I’m guessing when he realized his attempt failed, he told the police he found me like that.”
“And the doctors don’t believe you?” She asked.
“No, he told them I’d been suicidal for a while, and that I used to…” I trailed off, unsure if I wanted to reveal that information.
“Used to what? You won't find any judgment here, Raelynn.”
Her voice was so sincere. I thought for a moment, debating on if it would be worth talking about. That inner demon was a partof my life I had hidden from my friends and coworkers. Not only did I find it hard to open up to anyone about it, but they never really knew how to react. It felt unfair to put them in a position to shoulder the burden that was mine alone to bear. The only living person who knew how I handled stress, besides Craig, was my sister Michelle. What was the worst that could happen? I was locked in an institution with people suffering just like I was, so I guess she had a point. If ever I was going to be in a place where I could safely talk about what I went through, it would be here.
“Cut myself. I used to cut myself.” Putting the words out there made a pit form in my stomach, the food I had already eaten threatening to turn against me. I’d never said the words so bluntly or haphazardly. The only reason Craig even knew about my past was that he had seen me naked and lured me into a false sense of security. I had picked up habits over the years to make sure I stayed covered around anyone who might ask questions or look at me with judgment in their eyes. I already judged myself almost every time I looked in a mirror; I didn’t need to add others' opinions to the mix already in my mind.
Kendi didn’t look at me with pity or judgment. I couldn’t tell if she believed my story or if she thought I was crazy, just like the doctors did. She just accepted my truth for what it was and moved the conversation along.
“We all have our demons,” she said, not knowing how nice it was to hear someone put me in a group with theminstead of being left on the outside. “What I’ve learned from mine is that it doesn’t matter what you suffer with, but how you live with it. I don’t think we will ever be rid of our monsters, but it’s a battle worth fighting. I’m not one to let mine win.”
A genuine smile graced my face for the first time in a long while. Rather than sugar coating that we were all, in fact here for a reason, she helped me look at it as a challenge instead. I was still angry, that was never going to change, but I needed to face a monster that wasn’t just in my head but roaming free as well. Giving up wasn’t something that was programmed in me to do, and I’d die before I let him win.
Thelma, who had appeared not to be paying attention to our conversation, nodded her head in agreement. Kendi seemed to have an affect on those around her. Letting her personality and gentle heart speak for themselves when she spoke to others. I had to wonder what violent demons she had faced to make her heart so open in an attempt to heal others.
April 7th 2020
I almost had the opportunity to take an actual vacation. Craig surprised me while we were out at dinner last week, that he had rented a beach house for the summer. As thrilled as that made me, I told him I might not be able to go. We’ve been short-staffed at work to where we’ve all had to work six days a week.
He was obviously hurt that he had already spent the money on a deposit for the house and asked if I could try to take the time off so that it wouldn’t go to waste. He said he couldn’t enjoy a vacation without me and asked if I liked him spending money on me, even though I’d made it clear I didn’t appreciate his gestures.
Even though he apologized for snapping, I feel like he’s been growing distant lately. Usually, after a date, we go back to his place for a few hours, but he’s been saying he’s too tired to be intimate with me. I’ve worked long days because surgeries go for longer than we expect, so I understand the desire to just go home and crash in bed.
But he hasn’t even been holding my hand since I told him I probably wouldn’t be able to go on vacation with him. I’ve asked him several times if I’m doing anything wrong, and he assures me I’m reading into nothing, that it’s all in my head. I can’t help but feel something is off.To try to make it up to him, I ordered him a few tools from his wishlist on Amazon. The tracking shows they were delivered two days ago, but I guess he’s been too tired to notice the packages since I haven’t heard from him.
Chapter six
The Phoenix
September 24th 2023
After breakfast was over, Cindy hadn’t been kidding about counting everything on our trays. We lined up again, in a similar order to how we were when coming here, and let the lunchroom staff count everything on our trays. Once all forks, knives, rubber bands, and plates were accounted for, we were allowed to follow our nurse back up to our hall and to the lounge.
On the schedule this morning, we had group therapy directly after our meal with a therapist in the patient lounge near the nurses’ station. The three men sat at one of the tables in the center of the room. Thelma chose an armchair, while Kendi and I took seats on the only couch in the lounge. I picked up one of the old throw pillows and drew it onto my lap, holding it tightly against my stomach.
Cindy instructed us to wait for our therapist in the lounge before she left to join the other nurses at their station. A few minutes passed in almost complete silence before a middle-aged woman who looked more suited for a courtroom appeared. Her business-casual clothes were pressed perfectly, without a creasein sight, and completely out of place in the grungy atmosphere of the lounge area.
The therapist took a chair from an empty table and turned it around so she could sit facing the room, crossing her legs at the ankles, and smiled warmly at everyone. She was slender, with light brown hair pulled back into a severe bun on the top of her head. Her angular face however looked nice, however, without being hidden by hair. She wore minimal makeup and no jewelry.
“Good morning everyone. I see we have a new face today,” she wasted no time looking directly at me. I squeezed the pillow a little tighter, not enjoying being singled out at the very beginning of the session. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”
I bit the inside of my bottom lip for a moment, trying to decide how difficult I wanted to be. Most days, my attitude could be considered pleasant, but my patience was wearing thin with having to go through this process multiple times. Taking a deep breath, I tried to remind myself not to take it out on people who were just trying to do their jobs.
