“His door has been shut,” Tyson muttered as he joined us, “I saw security locking it before I came down here.” He sat next to the younger man, offering a type of solidarity even though Andrew was completely withdrawn from the situation.
“A patient—when I first checked in—told me two other patients were able to commit suicide over the past several months,” Kendi muttered just loud enough for the rest of us to discern her words. “Brandon makes three.”
“Are you sure?” Tyson asked, taking a more logical approach. “They could have just been trying to mess with you.”
“He has a point, honey, I’m sure every place like this is ripe with rumors about death and depravity,” Thelma reasoned, trying to comfort her. I couldn’t help to wonder exactly how many had died under the guise of suicide.
“It’s possible I guess, I just thought places like this were supposed to protect us from being able to hurt ourselves,” Kendi said in response.
“If someone really wants to do it, they’ll always find a way regardless of their environment,” Tyson replied. I had to wonder if he spoke from experience with suicide. If he had a loved one who had committed the act.
At his words, we fell into silence for a few minutes, nothing really to be said without answers to what was happening. Clouds gathered in the early morning sky outside the windows, keeping their promise of bringing a rainy, dreary day. Still, no nurses were appearing to do a headcount.
After a few minutes in silence, Jessica appeared, just as put together as every other time I had seen her. Not a hair out of place, and her pantsuit was perfectly pressed. Given the mood this morning it was odd seeing someone not thrown off by the events.
“Good, you’re all here,” she greeted, not bothering to take a seat like she would do in our group therapy. “Cindy had to go home for the time being. Until another nurse comes in, I’ll be taking over your schedule. Collins should be on his way soon. I’m sure this morning has disrupted many of you, and I’ll be happy to answer any questions that I’m allowed to before we head down to breakfast.” Jessica was ever the professional as she spoke with clarity and confidence. If she was bothered by the morbid events that took place, she didn’t let us see it.
“What happened?” Thelma voiced the question that must have been burning through everyone but me.
“It appears as though Mr. Everett took his own life last night, unofficially, of course,” She said without alluding to further details.
“How was he able to do it?” Kendi asked.
“What about the headcounts?” Tyson asked at the same time.
“I’m not at liberty to get into the details of the method Mr. Everett chose to use to end his life. Just rest assured that there is no active threat to anyone else who is being treated here.” I wasn’t the only one who noticed she failed to speak on the lack of headcounts that happened throughout the night from the look Tyson gave her. “Now I’m sure this can be very triggering for some of you who have struggled with the same idealizations,” I felt her gaze linger on me for a little too long as she spoke, “So we are offering additional counseling to anyone who feels as though they need it.”
I didn’t volunteer for additional therapy since I had a scheduled session with Daxton later today. Brandon's death didn’t trigger me like she believed it did. I didn’t bother tugging up the neck of my sweater to try and hide the lingering bruising or touch the still-healing cuts on my arm. His death wasn’t going to cause me any issues with my own mental health, other than an increased desire for my therapist on a sexual level.
“If everyone is ready, shall we head on down to breakfast and have a decent meal before facing the day?” She asked as thunder cracked outside, as darker clouds cast the room into near darkness, the dim fluorescent lights unable to keep the gloom completely at bay.
August 14th 2021
Riley finally went under the knife today. I had waited the recommended age before putting him through surgery to neuter him. Even though I trusted the vet I worked for with his life, the stress of not having him with me was a lot. Craig had been understanding, even offered to let me stay at his apartment, so I wouldn’t be completely alone.
We had a nice dinner, he picked up my favorite Chinese takeout along with one of my favorite bottles of wine, and we watched a movie together. I had an early morning the next day, so I asked him around ten o’clock if we could go to bed. We’ve always gone to bed together when I stay the night.
He exploded at me. We hadn’t argued in days, and had what I thought was a nice evening. All of a sudden, when I mentioned going to bed, he lost his mind. Asking why I hadn’t considered what he wanted after he did everything for me that evening. Why hadn’t I thought about the type of day he had and how I should know when he has to do all that for me? It stresses him out, and he needs to decompress.
I tried to talk to him, tried to ask what had happened at work since he hadn’t said anything all evening. All he could blame was my stress overRiley’s surgery and having to take care of me. I had too much wine to even consider driving myself home. The thought of being arrested again if the argument escalated was enough for me to drop it.
His anger over the video games kept me up half the night. I didn’t dare risk going out to the living room to ask him to stop screaming over the TV. I didn’t give him a reason to get angry with me or cause another incident like last time. The entire night, I could still feel the handcuffs around my wrists every time he yelled obscenities at whatever online game he was playing. I didn’t even risk telling him goodbye as soon as I sobered up enough to drive myself home before the sun rose.
Chapter twenty-seven
The Vigilante
October 2nd 2023
The high I experienced after last night was euphoric, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. After cleaning up the bathroom and heading home, I found myself reliving the satisfying moment Brandon stopped breathing, and how tight Raelynn felt around me. She had seen me, the real me, and she hadn’t turned away. I had connected with her on a level far beyond just the physical intimacy we shared in the heat of that moment. Our bodies may have been woven together, but it was nothing compared to the intricacy of the webs formed from the bonding of our souls. We had become one essence in that moment—body, mind, and heart.
I’ve found in my line of work that a lot of people enjoy fantasizing about inflicting pain on those who have wronged them, or those who have hurt the innocent. Very few ever had the balls to do anything about it. They couldn’t stomach the aftermath or live with the guilt. My conscience had no such afflictions.
Taking her like I had with his body right there had fulfilled almost every desire I had after feeling his life leave his body as I strangled him with his own bed sheet. The way she let metake control spoke volumes about how she felt about me. Rae saw what lay beneath my skin, and she welcomed it. She had given herself to me with the utmost amount of trust, bared herself raw to my desire, relinquished her body, and more importantly, gave me her trust.
I slept like a man who held the world in his hands last night, without a single worry to plague my thoughts. There were still hurdles to overcome, insignificant and manageable ones compared to getting Rae to accept me. I had suspected she would; she hid a similar darkness in her, but being able to confirm that was better than I ever thought it would be.
When I arrived at work this morning, I was faced with the chaos I had come face to face with after every time a patient had ‘killed’ themselves. While I hadn’t been the responsible party for every suicide the hospital had witnessed, I had a few under my belt so far. The clinic was supposed to be a safe place where it would be nearly impossible for patients to succeed in ending their lives. However, no system was foolproof.
