“Consider this a less formal therapy session. Besides, we’re only discussing a world of fiction, right?”
“Fictionally, then I wouldn’t survive past the initial outbreak if it was a zombie movie, especially if it was those unrealistic ones where they move like they’re amped up on steroids and shit. Serial killer movie? I think I stand a decent chance. I watch enough documentaries—I think I could at least survive until the final scene.”
“You’re forgetting about all the paranormal ones.”
“Easy, I’d bathe in holy water and get a crucifix tattoo before saging the place. Ouija boards are strictly forbidden, and if anyone acts possessed, they’re going to be left to fend for themselves. Ihate to say it. Most of those plots are easily avoidable and are only made because of people’s sheer stupid choices.”
“Fair enough, although I always like it when the tough guy tries to intimidate the entity and ends up getting his ass kicked. Those scenes are always funny to me.” She snorted, my statement apparently amusing.
From there, the conversation flowed almost effortlessly. With my profession, I’d always found it easy to get a read on people, know how to engage with them, and pick up on subtle body language that helped me better converse with them. Around Rae, I found she picked up on me almost just as well.
Throughout my life, I’d always found people shied away from engaging too much with me. My size was intimidating to say the least, and maybe people knew there was something more than just a little dangerous beneath the surface. I’d had friends growing up; I had a small handful of friends now, but it wasn’t new to me when someone didn’t want to disagree with something I said. I liked to think it was my charisma that swayed them, but I wasn’t that self-absorbed, people were influenced by others' outward appearance.
Rae wasn’t a stranger to that. Maybe that’s why she was so open and combative with me, providing me with stimulating discussions and amusing arguments. She was used to being judged by her outward appearance as well. When people looked at her, they sawthe scars; they formed a skewed perception of what type of person they thought she was without being privy to her history.
Her heart, that lay beneath the flesh she’d ruined at her own hands, was something I was glad most people didn’t get to see. It was selfish, the way I thought about hoarding it all to myself, but I honestly didn’t care. Let me be selfish. I was willing to put in whatever effort it was going to take to see her smile without reservation. When she did, when she thought no one was looking, her smile was unrestrained and the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
It glowed now, under the light of the artificial candles as we discussed her favorite movies, books, and her dreams. Not just for when she got out of the clinic, but her real dreams, what she wanted out of life. This stay was just going to be a tiny blip on her radar; soon, it wouldn’t even register with her. She'd come to realize that this incident wasn’t going to be what defined her. We talked and ate until the hour dwindled down, and I had to take her back to the group before my next client.
Stashing the candles and tablecloth in my bag to take home, and throwing out the take-out containers, I took her back down to her ward, safely depositing her in her room with her new stuffed animal. It was the best I could do under the circumstances. If I could provide her with her real animal, I would have in a heartbeat, just to give her that peace of mind that he was with her. The stuffed animal would have to be a good enough substitute for now.
Her face was soft as she hugged it to her chest and told me goodbye, almost innocent in the way she clutched it. I wished more than anything I could have reached out and kissed her, or held her, before I had to get my next patient, to let her know that I wanted to comfort her during this time as well.
Soon enough, I’d be able to.
July 14th 2021
Forthe first time since I’d bought my house, I ended up needing to walk to work. It’s not that I mind getting the extra exercise, and Riley certainly enjoys the several miles it takes to get there; I just wasn’t expecting to have to do it.
My car had been making a noise for about a week. Last night, Craig promised that he would come over so he could look at it and fix it for me. He always said he was so good with cars, I figured it would be cheaper letting him do it than to take it to my regular mechanic.
It ended up being a lot more extensive than I originally thought it would be. Craig left my car up on blocks, the two front tires removed, and then came inside saying that he had to order the part to fix it and wasn’t sure when it would be in. I asked him if he could put my car back together since it had been driving fine, even with the noise.
He laughed. It was such an unusual sound, not born from amusement, but from a viciousness that seemed like it was lying in wait for me to ask. Told me to find another ride because he was tired and wanted to go home to shower; he was done fooling with my car for the night.
I’d get a ride home from Michelle, but I needed the walk this morning to help clear my head. Using it as a means to try to make the pieces of what happened last night fit together. From one extreme to another, I just can’t see where I went wrong in being punished and left with no car.
Chaptertwenty-five
The Phoenix
October 2nd 2023
Blood coated my hands, dripping from my fingers and into the puddle forming around me. The knife remained clutched tightly in my grip, my hands steady as I took in the carnage around me. I had done this, my hands had caused the macabre scene that lay at my feet, and yet I didn’t regret it.
With a start, I woke suddenly. The room was pitch black. But I didn’t need light to see that there was no blood on my hands. It had been yet another dream. A side effect of the anxiety meds my psychiatrist had me on was supposed to be drowsiness, which had been helping me sleep. Ever since the photographs came in the mail, other than a few hours early in the night, I hadn’t managed to stay asleep.
I groaned audibly. If I couldn’t sort out a way to sleep through the night, I was going to have to see if Dr. Regeal could up my dose. At least the evening portion of my medication until this mess with Craig gets sorted out. The added stress from not knowing where he was didn’t help. In my heart, I knew his threats weregenuine, and the inability to control the situation made my mind race with all the possibilities that could happen.
My instincts told me that he was responsible for the death of his mother and sister. The timing of their slaughter was too coincidental for me to believe there was any chance that he was innocent. What I wouldn’t give to see him again, to be able to treat him the way he deserved after the years of manipulation and abuse he put me through. No amount of physical torture would ever compare to the hell he put me through by making me think I was crazy.
Tonight, I didn’t even bother with tossing and turning in my bed in the hopes of falling back asleep. Last night I lay in bed for hours before falling asleep just in time to be woken up again to go to breakfast. Not caring if I got in trouble, I got up out of bed. Kendi had told me she sometimes has trouble sleeping and will doodle while lying in bed during those nights, so the risk was worth it to possibly gain some company tonight.
I’d risk getting in trouble if it meant I might not have to be alone for several hours in the middle of a dreary night. The light from the moon couldn’t even penetrate through the amount of clouds blocking out the stars, and the darkness outside the windows was overwhelming the environment. Being trapped in this institution, I didn’t bother keeping up with the weather, but I didn’t need my local weather app to tell me it was going to rain later, with how thick the clouds had covered the constellations.
Slowly opening my door, I peered out to see if the night nurse was patrolling the halls. Even though they were supposed to do a head count every quarter of an hour, it didn’t take long to notice that not all the night nurses followed that protocol; some nights came with fewer head checks. I wouldn’t complain about it, though. The first night, it was almost impossible to get any sleep with the door opening every fifteen minutes.
No noise came from the nurses’ station, but I didn’t dare go check to see if anyone was sitting in the cubicle. Making sure my nightgown was pulled down to my thighs, I snuck quietly out into the hallway and made my way down toward Kendi's room.
