“Does Craig know when you’re going to be released?”
“He might, but I’m not one hundred percent sure. I know he was involved in my intake before I was transferred over here, but I’m not sure what all the doctor told him.”
“The best thing I can do since he’s already banned from the facility is put a note on your chart to screen your calls. I don’t think they can prevent him from calling, but they can prevent his phone calls from reaching you if the staff knows not to let him speak to you. Without your consent, they can’t release your medical information to him, so you don’t need to worry about that either.”
I felt the tears building behind my eyes. As much as I craved to see Craig suffer for how he had treated me over the past several years, there was a fear I couldn’t extinguish, no matter how hard I tried.
“You don’t understand what type of person he is. He’s charming when he needs to be, he’s believable, he has masks that he wears, and they’re so convincing no one will believe me.”
“I understand better than you would think. I’ve helped domestic abuse victims leave their partners and heal from the trauma. I’m not comparing your ordeal to anyone else’s; I just want you to know I do understand from an outsider's perspective what you’re experiencing. The unlucky women never get the chance to walk away from their abuser; they die before they find the courage to escape.”
“I know I should feel lucky, but I feel trapped. I feel like as long as he’s out there, I’m going to live in constant fear or always under this thumb. That there isn’t a third option.”
“There is always a third option. Hell, a fourth, a fifth, as many options as you want to give yourself. You just have to make yourself available to those choices. If you could choose right now, any option without consequences, what would it be?”
I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to be that honest with him. He was obligated by law to make a report if he thought I was a danger to myself or anyone around me, so would it be worth sharing my opinion if he thought I was capable of causing someone harm?
“Hypothetically speaking?”
“Yes, hypothetically speaking. We are currently in a fantasy world where you are allowed to serve him justice in any way you see fit.”
“I would kill him, I would take his masks off, and I would make him feel every horrible thing he’s ever made me feel. I would make him see the monster that I see whenever I look at him, and I’d take every moment he mentally abused me and inflict it upon his body tenfold.”
“That’s a pretty specific outcome. Most people just settle for sending them away, or to jail.”
“Most people aren’t like me. Besides, we’re only talking in hypotheticals, right?”
“Fair enough, is that what you were writing about when I showed up?”
“Yes, in my version, the version that didn’t happen, I was able to fight back and win.”
“You can still win against him. It may not feel like it now, but once you regain control, you can win against him and anyone else that tries to use you and control you without your consent.”
“And when does that start?” I asked, not fully believing him, but damn did I want to. What little confidence I had after my parents died felt like a different person had lived in my shoes. It didn’t feel like a version of me that was healed and unbroken had ever existed.
“It starts here, with our sessions, with building yourself back to the person you were before Craig entered your life and made you feel like less than a person with his venom.”
“You’re confident you can fix me?” I wiped a tear from under my eye. I hadn’t allowed them to freely flow, to be that vulnerable in the moment, but they had filled to the point of almost blurring my vision. Quickly blinking them away, I met his hard eyes, challenging him with a task I didn’t believe could be accomplished.
“I am. I’m also confident you can fix yourself. You’re stronger than you realize. You’ve already survived what a lot of people wouldn’t have. He tried to kill you not once, but twice, and hefailed. There’s a will to live in you that’s going to overcome these obstacles if I have anything to say about it.”
“That’s a pretty bold statement.”
“I stand by what I say. There are many ways to get your control back, you just have to find what works for you. In the meantime, I’ll make sure the nurses know to screen your calls.”
“What do I do when I’m released? If he follows through with his threats?”
“I don’t want you to worry about that right now; you’re completely safe while you’re staying here. I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”
“You can’t make a promise like that.” I all but wanted to roll my eyes at the absurdity of it. If he thought I believed that something like that was a promise anyone could keep, he must believe I’m as crazy as the doctors have labeled me as.
“Says who?”
“People don’t make those promises, especially when they can’t keep them.”
“Who says I don’t have the intention of keeping it?”
“I do, outside of here is an entirely different place.”
