She sighed. “You make it difficult not to like you when you’re nice.”
“Aw. She likes me!”
She felt her cheeks turn hotter and stared at each spoonful she ate. “Maybe.”
After a few moments of silence, she glanced up to see Deacon watching her with that intent expression he kept using around her. “What is that look?”
“What look?”
“Thatlook. I can’t explain it. I just know it can’t be good.”
He shook his head. “So suspicious all the time.”
“You live, you learn.”
“I get that. But you’re too…I don’t know…grounded to be that suspicious.”
She put her spoon down. Time to spell it out for him. “Deacon, I know what you read about my family. But living it is something else. My mother only ever wanted to use me for what I could do for her. And my father was along for the ride. As soon as he saw I wouldn’t give them another cent, he took off and never came back. My mother was worse, because she stuck around. But anytime I tried to let the past go and take her on faith, she stuck it to me. Stole from me, lied, sold gossip to the tabloids.
“I cut my ties from my family, and the men I’ve dated since then haven’t been much better. Always out for what I could do or give them. So no, I don’t trust men. Or people for that matter. Addy is the first person I met who didn’t want anything from me but friendship.”
He said nothing at first, then reached across the table and held her hand. “Who was he?”
“Who?”
In a gentle voice, he said, “The man who broke your heart. Family can be shitty. I totally get that. But it wasn’t a string of bad dates who made you guarded. It’s that guy you told me about, right? He seriously broke your heart.”
“That’s cheesy.”
He nodded. “But true. Come on, Solene. Tell me. The thing about you and me that’s been different from my other relationships with other women is that I’m not hiding anything from you. I’ve been honest from the start.”
He had a point. “Fine. But you can’t tell anyone about this. It’s bad enough Addy knows.”
“Who am I going to tell? Fiona?” he teased. “My favorite little brawler isn’t big on boys, well, except me. She told me so.”
She shook her head, a smile on her lips that soon faded. “Fine. You want to know? His name was Kyle. I thought I loved him. He was different from the others. He seemed like he cared. Like he really got me.” She felt Deacon’s firm yet soft touch on her hand, soothing her. “We were together for two years. And it took me nearly that long to drop my guard and just be with him, you know?”
At his nod, she continued. “Then I found out he’d been subtly steering me toward projects he made money off of. That he had a girlfriend on the side. All that time.” She felt the familiar fury threaten to rise, but Deacon squeezed her hand, turning that anger into the sadness she dreaded.
“So I moved to Bainbridge to start over. It’s like I never learn.” She blinked to keep the stupid tears from coming. “I know better. I’ve been through this all before. So why do I keep hoping the end result will turn out differently?” She wiped her cheeks, angry with herself. With him. “Why am I telling you this?”
Deacon knewhe had to give her something personal in return. Solene had finally opened up her hard shell to give him a glimpse inside. He couldn’t blow it now. “Because I understand you. Because in some way Iamyou.” He sighed. “I told you my mother was a drug addict. But living it is different from hearing it. You can only imagine the hell she put me through. I was all alone, and she was always sorry for everything after the fact. The beatings, the neglect. The men she brought home who didn’t always wanther.” He paused, letting that sink it.
This time Solene offered him comfort, squeezing his hand.
“There were a few really close calls. Some that still wake me at night in a full sweat, and it’s been over twenty goddamn years. I used to wonder what made me so defective that my own mother couldn’t love me. And don’t give me that whole ‘it’s not you it’s them’ speech. You know you always wonder if it’s you.”
Solene nodded. “I still do. What made me so terrible that my own parents treated me like that?”
“Exactly.”
“Your father?” she asked, her voice hesitant.
“Never knew him. She used to tell me stories. In one, he’d raped her. In another, I wasn’t even her kid, just a neighbor brat she took in. But one look at her eyes and you knew we were related,” he said wryly. “I think my old man screwed her and left. Maybe he knew about me, maybe he didn’t. But it never mattered because he wasn’t there.” He lifted a hand and caressed her cheek. “And why am I telling you this? Why did I tell you about being Shadow? About not being able to have kids? I never tell anyone that. It’s a private thing.”
She shook her head and kissed his palm. “Because you’re so screwed up.”
He gave a surprising laugh, not sure when his confession had become more about unburdening himself and healing than about sharing to make her feel better. “As fucked up as you are.”
