A relieved breath gushed out of him, and Gavin leaned forward, his head between his knees. “Thank God.”
“Your friend’s widow, and Luke’s sister, Amanda, want to talk with you.”
Gavin tuned out everything, choosing to focus on them being healthy and hearty.
“For the record, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not yet,” Lee said.
Gavin blinked up at his therapist’s unexpected advice. “No?”
“Gavin, it’s a stressor you don’t need right now.”
“But I thought you were all about getting closure.”
“I am when the situation calls for it. But we’re still in the stages of getting you to cope with everything. You have plenty of time to heal. There’s no need to rush this.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to gaff them off.”
“So send a text stating you’ll contact them when you can. I’m sure they’ll understand. And if that’s too difficult, which it could rightly be, just ignore the calls. They’ll stop. You have the numbers. When you’re ready to face them, you will.”
His palms sweated. “But then aren’t I denying them some closure?”
“How? They know the status of their deceased loved ones. It’s you I’m worried about. You need to be healthy before you see them. Physically, you’re in amazing shape. But mentally, it’s going to take time. And that’s okay. That’s normal, Gavin,” Lee emphasized. As if Gavin worried about being a looney tune. What he worried about was doing more damage to Nicole and Amanda, and he said so.
“The thing is, Gavin, if you go to see them before you’re comfortable, you might inadvertently hurt them. You might turn erratic. Or you might say things out of guilt that will put them back in a dark place. From those few phone calls, it sounds like they’re moving on. It’s your decision, of course. But I suggest you tuck away that number and let it go. At least for now.”
Gavin thought about it. Thought about how Zoe had lost her twin, how it still hurt her months later, and how she took on the pain and dealt with it. She didn’t need to see a therapist, didn’t avoid problems. How could he be less?
“Um, I’m going to call right now. Just to let her know it’s not a good time for me.” His knee shot up and down. His heart pounded, and sweat poured down his back. “Would you, would you just sit with me through it?” Fuck, but he felt like crying.
This was not supposed to be his life right now. Thirty-two and afraid to call an old friend because he might crack up. What a pathetic waste he’d become. Jesus, how lame could he be?
Lee got up and sat next to him. Then he put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, which surprisingly steadied him. “Go ahead, Gavin. I’m right here with you.”
Gavin’s eyes watered. This wasn’t who he was. But who he’d become. Because he wasn’t still supposed to be here? His penance for surviving?
Lee said quietly, “It’s okay if you don’t want—”
“No.I got this.” Gavin wiped his stupid face and dialed, then cleared his throat, hoping he didn’t sound like the pitiful shit he was.
After a few rings, he started to think she wouldn’t answer, that he could leave a message. But that wasn’t the case. “Hello?”
Bright-brown eyes and a laughing smile. Always up for a good time, that was Mick’s Nicole. Man, they’d had some great parties when they’d been stateside. Even better ones when back on leave through the years.
“Hello?” she said again.
“Uh, hi, Nicole.” He had to clear this throat again. “It’s Gavin Donnigan.”
“Gavin.” She sounded thrilled to hear from him. “I’m so glad you called. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. A couple of us have, actually.”
His stomach knotted. He envisioned Mick grinning, flipping him off. Luke mouthing something, and John making fun of him. The guys, friends since high school. Now gone forever. “Yeah, about that.” He coughed. Wiped his eyes. Prayed he sounded cheerful. “I’m kind of busy lately. Got some stuff to take care of.”Like my fucked-up brain.“I want to talk to you… It’s just… It might be a while.”
“Oh.” She paused, and her voice gentled. “Gavin, that’s perfectly fine. Whenever you get done with what you’re working on, we’ll be here. You have my number.”
“Yeah, okay. Sure. Bye.”
He hung up, not able to wait on her answer. Then he stood, thanked Lee, and said, “Need the restroom for a minute.” He calmly walked from the room and found the bathroom unoccupied. After locking the door behind him, he braced himself on the sink and stared at his ugly face in the mirror, heard Nicole’s voice, so happy to hear from him.
He turned, got to his knees, and threw up into the toilet. The rush eased him, so that now he felt sick instead of anxious. Oddly enough, he felt better, as if he’d rid himself of all the shitty emotion that never quite left him anymore. An image of Zoe’s concerned face filled his mind’s eye, and he threw up all over again, dry heaves because he had nothing left.
