“So be that guy.”
“I thought if I could put the past behind me, could move on, I could give you what you need. But I’m such a fuckup. I don’t think I can.”
Panicked as well as concerned, she just listened.
“I talked to Lee a lot. He thought I wasn’t ready to confront the past. That I should learn to cope with it and deal with stress instead. But you didn’t. You went straight at your pain head on. You’re sad when you talk about Aubrey, but you don’t sweep away the hurt.” He grew more animated. “You love her; you miss her. You own that pain.”
“Yes.”
“You still miss her right now, but it’s an honest emotion. It’s real.”
Where was he going with this? And why did he worry her?
“When my friends died, when they got blown up because their convoy took the right trail instead of the left, it was awful. They didn’t survive. They were good guys, friends I’d grown up with. Guys I’d spent years in the Corps with. Some I’d even fought back-to-back with through the shit.” Tears streamed down his cheeks, but she didn’t think he noticed them anymore. He was looking at her, but not seeing her.
“And I was in a med unit. Because I’d been shot on a mission. So they all died, but I survived. But why me? They weren’t out doing anything wrong. They weren’t crushing the people. Weren’t demolishing governments or stealing natural resources. They tried to protect, to do good.”
He hung his head in his hands.
She tried to touch his knee, but he pulled away and stood.
“Gavin, I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, Zoe. I knew that when we started, but I thought… I’d hoped maybe I did. So I tried to deal with the past. I went to therapy. I saw Nicole and Amanda, the families left behind when Mick, Luke, and John died.”
Oh boy.“What happened?” she asked gently.
“They were happy to see me.” He looked puzzled. “Just laughing and crying and pleased that I was there. But I never should have been there. I did bad things, things a good man won’t do. I killed people, Zoe,” he whispered. “I was the best fucking sniper and special teams guy they had. I did my job. I struck first before the enemy could.” His tears came in earnest. “But Mick and the guys, they protected. They helped. They saved lives. And they died. So why did I come home? Why do I get to fall in love with the pretty girl? Why do I get a chance at a future when they’re in the ground?”
She wanted to comfort him, but he needed to get this out, a festering wound that would never heal until he did. Or so she hoped. She wanted like hell to get Ava over here, so that Zoe wouldn’t do or say the wrong thing.
Then Gavin broke down, just lost all strength and sagged to his knees, his head in his hands. He sobbed. Huge tears that left a gaping hole in her heart. “I don’t know. God, I don’t know.”
She hurried to him and took him in her arms, wishing him all the healing and love she could muster while she rocked him. “It’s okay, Gavin. I love you. You’re so worth it, baby. So worth it.”
He cried for the longest time, and she held him, easing him down so that his face sat on her lap and she stroked his hair. When he ceased, shivering, so still, she eased out from under him after replacing her leg with a pillow.
“Just wait here. I’m going to get a blanket, okay?”
He didn’t say anything, which concerned her even more.
She hurried to get a blanket and raced back, not wanting him to leave. Then, with an eye on him, she grabbed her phone and sent a text to Ava, asking her to come immediately, and to bring Landon as well.
Returning to Gavin, she put the blanket over him, then lay down with him and stroked his hair again. He’d closed his eyes, and she thought him asleep.
“I’m sorry.”
She started and moved her hands to his shoulders, petting him, offering comfort through touch, even through the blanket. “It’s okay.”
“I didn’t talk to you. I couldn’t.” He let out a watery breath, then opened his eyes. So tormented, so full of pain. “When Nic and Amanda asked if I had anyone, I couldn’t say. I couldn’t talk about you. Because when I did, I knew I was wrong. That I shouldn’t have you.” His eyes filled again. “But fuck it, I want you. I want to be happy. And I know I shouldn’t. I’m so weak. I should let you go. Should just let it all go.”
“Gavin—”
“But I can’t. The guys would kill me if I offed myself. Biggest pussy move there is.”
Thank God.
“But I don’t know how to be happy. Every time I think I can be, I remember what I am.”
