“I wish to speak to you,” he began, a drop of perspiration rolling down his hairline. “About Barbados. About... you and me. Our future.” Why must his voice shake like a schoolboy’s?
She stared at him, lips parted.
Nathaniel hurried on, “Because of Lewis’s return, my father has asked me to travel to Barbados to take his place.”
Still she said nothing.
He swallowed and continued, “I realize it might be difficult for you were we to live in Barbados for a time, but when I spoke with your father, he—”
“Live in Barbados?” she sputtered. “I am not moving to Barbados, Mr. Upchurch. I hope I never gave you that impression. I could never leave my family—live at such a distance to them.”
He hesitated, taken aback. He would forgo Barbados for her in a heartbeat, but he hated to disappoint his father. “Ah... Well then. I shall write to my father and inform him—”
She rose abruptly. “Don’t. Please don’t say another word, Mr. Upchurch. I fear a misunderstanding has occurred between us. I have no plans to marry in the near future. No plans to marry anyone. If I have led you to believe otherwise, I apologize. I see how you might have thought—earlier in the season, I mean. But at present, no.”
An invisible fist struck him. Pain lanced his chest and his vision blurred. What was happening? He blinked and blinked again.
She clasped her hands before her. “I apologize, Mr. Upchurch, but I cannot marry you. There was a time I thought I could. But things have changed and I am sorry.”
He tasted bile. “Because of Lewis?”
Shame colored her cheeks, yet she lifted her chin. “Yes, I do admire your brother. I cannot deny it.”
Another blow. A kick in the ribs. He drew a painful, jagged breath and said quietly, “I think it only fair to warn you. Lewis is unlikely to marry you.”
Irritation flashed on her face. “And so I should ignore my feelings for him and marry you instead?”
His heart deflated. His hopes... crumbled. “Margaret... Miss Macy. I...” He pressed his eyes shut and cleared his throat. “I had no idea things had gone so far... had... come to this. I must say, I... I am deeply disappointed.”
“Can you not be happy for Lewis and me?”
He stared at her, bewildered. “That I cannot do. Nor can I stand by and watch the two of you and pretend...” He slowly shook his head. “I think, after all, I shall sail for Barbados without delay.”
“Then I wish you safe journey, Mr. Upchurch.”
He flinched at her indifference. He shook his head again, stunned and bemused. This was not how he had imagined the events of this day. His gut twisted as he crossed the room. At the door, he turned back. “I wish you never feel as I do at this moment, Miss Macy.” He opened the door, then hesitated. “Or, perhaps... I hope you do.”
“Again, I am sor—”
He held up his palm, anger flaring. “Enough. I don’t want your pity. I bid you good-day, madam. And good-bye.”
He turned on his heel and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
———
Nathaniel could still hear it, that door slamming shut in his past... and on his fondest dream.
The upper housemaids undertook the lighter jobs,
making the beds in the best bedrooms and
keeping an eye on the lower housemaids. The latter
would lay and light the fires, clean the living rooms,
polish the brass, carry upstairs the water
for washing, and empty the chamber pots.
