Nerves quaking, she gestured toward the tray. “Tea?”
He shook his head. “No, thank you.”
Her father’s voice. Ah, what memories it evoked. He looked older, even thinner than she recalled.
She was strangely relieved to allow the tea she had paid for to go to waste. She was sure her hands would tremble if she tried to pour.
She decided she would not presume to call him “Papa” as she used to do. She cleared her throat and began. “Father, I have asked you here to seek your advice.”
“Oh?” Wary reserve steeled his expression. “You did not see fit to seek it before.”
“I know. That was just one of my many mistakes. But I am asking now.”
He crossed his arms over his thin chest. “I am listening.”
“I have many decisions before me. Decisions that affect my future and that of my son. Yes, I have a son now.”
He nodded. “Fred told me a few days ago—even before I received your letter. He came to let me know you were alive. Why did you not tell me yourself?”
So dear Fred had broken the news after all. She said, “Because I knew my fall from grace would cast a shadow on your reputation, perhaps even cost you the curacy. Don’t worry. I have not come to ask for money or help. Only for advice and ... perhaps, forgiveness. I have no wish to be a financial burden, nor a burden of any kind. Though I do long for your forgiveness.”
He had been staring down at his hands during this, her practiced speech, but now he looked up at her. “You assume I care more for my reputation than my daughter’s well-being?”
“Well, you cannot help but be concerned about it, and I don’t blame you.”
“You thought I wouldn’t forgive you?”
“Will you? I am so sorry, Papa. For everything.” There. It slipped out.
He looked down at his hands once more. “Do you know howI worried? How devastated I was when I heard that you died? I would have given up a hundred curacies to have you back.”
Hannah’s chest ached. Tears filled her eyes. “And when you learned I was alive?”
“I was relieved, and yet ... angry. Why did you not come to me yourself? Tell me what was going on? I might have helped you.”
“Forgive me, Papa, but I know you well. You would not have easily forgiven my being with child, nor bringing shame upon you. In all honesty, I thought it would be better for you if I had died.”
He gaped at her. “Are you so new at being a parent? You’re right—I would have been greatly disappointed, shocked, embarrassed, everything. I might have even asked you to go away somewhere and have the child in secret. But I would never, ever, wish you dead.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“So am I,” he said, voice low and gravelly. The voice she had often heard when he prayed over a dying child or a favorite old parishioner. He stepped closer, and she noticed tears in his eyes too. “And, yes, I forgive you.”
He reached out and took her hand, and she squeezed his in reply. For a moment they stood that way, in thick silence, eyes damp.
Then he tucked his chin and looked up at her. “Now. Do I get to meet this grandchild of mine or not?”
Chapter28
The next day, her father surprised her by sending over a few of her finer gowns from those she’d left behind when setting off as lady’s companion. What a pleasure to wear something of her own.
Becky helped her into a lovely dress of rich, berry-colored jaconet with a matching velvet spencer. Then she donned a straw bonnet with an upturned brim. After tying the ribbons beneath her chin, she thanked Becky, kissed Danny, and left the room. Reticule dangling from her wrist, she started down the stairs, intent on a few errands.
Below, the lodging-house door opened, and James Lowden stepped inside. Hannah halted on the half landing, a storm of conflicting emotions flooding her. She glanced nervously about, relieved to not see Mrs. Hurst, who had strict rules about gentlemen callers. Had her landlady mentioned this was her afternoon to play whist at a friend’s house? Hannah hoped so.
“Mr. Lowden.”
His head snapped up and he spotted her there on the landing. His gaze swept her person, head to toe, and back again. “You look ... well,” he breathed. But his eyes said “beautiful.”
